i feel like a horrible person

I feel like my mind accepts my false memory as real even though i still call it a false memory. I don’t know how to explain this but sometimes i find myself asking if i could ever be forgiven for this thing and i feel like i don’t understand myself anymore. My mind seems to have to think of the worst case scenario so instead of “did i do this” my mind has to act as if i did do it so i find myself asking if anyone would forgive me or how i would be punished or if i deserve to be happy or comtinue my life. I truly don’t know if this false memory is real but my mind seems to act as if it’s real. ive never had someone relate to this and i feel so alone i don’t know what i can do. My mind is seriously treating it like a real memory to the point it actually tries defending the memory and looking for reasons that it’s “not that bad” or “doesn’t count as SA” (my false memory is about SA) and this makes me feel so horrible. I don’t understand because i do find myself ruminating and questioning if it’s real or not and trying to replay the memory along with this aswell but has anyone ever experienced this with a false memory? Kinda like, my mind says “Well if u did do it how bad would it actually be for you/would it be a crime/ would people hate y” Like i’m preparing mysrlf for the worst case :(

izzyshaw17

Date posted: 2d

These loops are hard to break through. Since memories are easy to modify, OCD has a field day with them. I think the best thing you can do is sit with uncertainty instead of seeking reassurance/compulsive reasoning, etc. Say "maybe I did this thing, maybe I didn't" and sit with the distress. Then you can move forward and try harder exposures like "maybe this makes me a bad person, maybe not" and just sit with that too. It's not easy, trust me. It's hard, but that's how you know it's working.

dwestiny

Date posted: 2d

@izzyshaw17 Thank you so much, i do try to do these things but i think i have trouble with accepting it because then my minds telling me “well u just get to live your life happy while u may have ruined another persons life” my false memories are very horrible things done to others so it’s like i feel guilty for continuing my life not knowing :( I will keep trying thank you again ❤️

izzyshaw17

Date posted: 17h

@dwestiny I completely understand that. I have a similar theme, although it isn't the same one. The best thing you can do is try to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Don't reassure yourself, but don't say hateful things to yourself either. Don't let it push you around. You deserve to be happy too 💕

k38474859

Date posted: 2d

i understand this so much its hard fo me to tell what is real and not. and im punishing myself for something im not even certain happened

dwestiny

Date posted: 2d

@k38474859 Me too!! I don’t even know what to believe anymore, it’s like deep down i know that i’m not sure if it happened or not but my mind seems to wanna accept the worst case scenario

k38474859

Date posted: 2d

@dwestiny seriously me too but its hard because i was really drunk when my thing was. hope it gets better for u’

dwestiny

Date posted: 2d

@k38474859 I hope it gets better for you too, i know that must be so hard but you will get through this ❤️

Ttop

Date posted: 2d

Seriously feel the same. May God deliver us all

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