A Unique Obsession

Geneology and ancestry has always been a big part of my life, and a foundation of my identity. But it's also been a strange struggle for a long time. Long story short, my family came to the US in the 1890's. All "new stock" immigrants, no "old stock" English-Mayflower-colonist ancestry here. And for some reason, that bothers the living hell out of me. I don't know where to sit-too American for Europe, too European for America. My European ancestry seems close enough to where I could find a sense of identity in it, but it still feels too far back to do so. Would I even want to anyways? In elementary school we had "Geneology Club". I think being a kid who loved history surrounded by other kids who discovered very cool things about their ancestors here in the US really affected me. It's like another kid having a toy that you want...instead the toy is a background, a history, that you can never have. I'm a musician too. All the music I love is uniquely "American", and a lot of the musicians I look up to have deep roots in this country, and I feel like they can connect with this land and the rich tapestry of the nation better and express that through their art. And that goes for anyone else around me that has deep roots here too. I feel inadequate. It's obsessive. It's odd. People never really see where I'm coming from because they see the 1890's as still pretty far back, and that I can proudly call myself "American". But it doesn't feel that way. I've always been a pretty deep and spiritual guy. I don't feel like I cant connect with this land...or the land over in Europe. It all seems foreign. A lot of things seem very foreign to me now. Of course the depression I've been dealing with doesn't help, but this is just such an obsessive problem of mine, and when I learned I had OCD I can see how it might attach itself to this issue too. It's certainly very existential. It's numbing. I feel like I can't create. I can't live. I feel like a ghost floating around in the ether sometimes. And I've always had problems with identity...always. I was usually the shy quiet kid, the one who was a little nerdier. I didn't grow up with any strong cultural connections either; no inspiring family histories...nothing that could connect me to where I am NOW. Sure, maybe a really distant random here-say but that's it. I don't know where to go. I obsessively to geneological research in hopes that maybe, just MAYBE I'll find some connection to where I am now and that I'll feel a little more grounded and whole. But until then, I'm just floating.