- Date posted
- Yesterday
my journal entry on rocd (enjoy š„²š„²š„²š„²)
So I went and saw my therapist and Iām doing work again and I feel like Iām starting the process to heal and face things. I have been avoiding stuff for 3 years, smoke weed everyday, I donāt work, I have no idea what I want for my future, and Iām married to someone who was my best friend first. He told me I have ocd but while I was on that journey in my past, I didnāt like him, he liked him, but I had a big crush and talked to his friend for 3 years. The guy was an asshole and played me. But I canāt shake that I had such true and real feelings. So how can I move on with having that and being with my husband? And I have a hard time shaking that I want to be with my husband, because in the past I just didnāt like him as a friend. I want to heal and figure this out. I donāt want to waste his time, but I feel like heās my person for a reason and I just COMPLETELY donāt see it because the gunk of the past. I had a spark feeling when I met the other guy and I didnāt with my friend and I donāt know if it was because I shut it down with my husband so early on, because I met the other guy first. Or is it because I just didnāt like him & maybe itās true, but does that mean we canāt have it? Or I really just donāt like him. But i have a thought that still feels sticky and I donāt know if itās ocd or itās real. A couple times i have a thought that I avoid and sometimes I donāt know if itās because I secretly know itās ocd and Iām not engaging in a compulsion if I donāt think about it or if itās true and I donāt wanna accept that I donāt like him. But I get a scary thought that I know I donāt like him sometimes but I donāt wanna give this up yet, and Iām still not 100% sure (and yes my brain tells me that I feel so happy and sure sometimes), and I donāt wanna end it yet because heās cool and I like hanging out with him. Like what if I have malicious intent or Iām not sure. And I feel bad because can I move forward and still try to figure out while I have that feeling. And that fact I donāt wanna accept it, does that mean this is the core and main issue and I donāt like him? I wouldnāt do it on purpose. But What if im just selfish and Iām scared to accept it for myself and Iām not taking him seriously . That would be very scary , and I hope not. God help me. So basically my thought is: oh I know I donāt but I like hanging out with him and I donāt wanna give this up yet. So Iām gonna stay until I know if this is 100% , even tho it feels 100%. Am I shitty for that? I want to figure it out but can I do that with him, and am I lying to him? Or is this ocd?? Like sometimes I think Iām accepting a scary thought and the calmness is just calm. And not that itās true. Isnāt that the point, you find calmness in this being true because you really think itās true. And maybe once I heal, and figure this out, it wonāt be, and I actually like him? Sincerely, An ocd gal ā¹ļø