Relationship OCD and trust 18+

I’m really struggling with trusting my boyfriend. I had been in a situation before dating him where my trust was severely broken by two people really close to me. My boyfriend and I got together soon after that, and I feel like I have been questioning everything since. At the start of our relationship, my boyfriend had told me he looked at porn after knowing I wouldn’t be comfortable. I feel like this also severely broke my trust. He told me, and we’ve worked through it. However I’m still having a hard time getting really past it. I’m scared of the ads he gets on instagram that are someone sexual, I’m scared of him talking about other girls, I’m scared that I am not enough for him and that he is looking elsewhere. I’m scared I’m not attractive to him, he doesn’t love me, etc. I feel like I’m constantly seeking validation from him or having the urge to check who he’s following or go through his phone. I hate that, and I would really appreciate any advice on how to control those impulsives without drowning in that feeling.

Gigantosaurus

Date posted: 3d

Hey there. I’m not sure if this will be helpful to you, but just my perspective. I always try to remember that other people have their own mental health and quirks and issues too, it’s just part of being human. And other people’s behavior and thoughts often come from places that have nothing to do with us. I feel like it’s easy with ocd to think that when some issue exists, it must be because of us or something wrong with us or even something that we could “fix” if we try hard enough. But a lot of the times it’s just not in our hands and doesn’t have to be. I’ve been the boyfriend struggling with a porn addiction before, and it was very hard on my girlfriend at the time because she felt that it meant she wasn’t good enough and I wasn’t attracted to her. I remember feeling so frustrated because I did love her and I was very very attracted to her and thought she was beautiful, I just had this bad addiction and coping mechanism that I learned from a young age that was hard to break. That’s not to say that you’re inconsiderate or anything for feeling this way, im sure it’s very hard and hurtful to be on the other end of it. But my point is more that it was my own issue and had nothing to do with her. So I try to remember that when I interact with people, not to get caught up in the trap that every problem comes from something wrong with me or something that I can control. Ultimately you don’t have any power over what any other person thinks or does, even your partner, so the best thing you can do is communicate your feelings, try to have patience and understanding, and know that all you have power over is yourself. To be blunt- if he cheats or looks at porn or whatever is up to him. No amount of checking his phone or anything else will change that. I know it’s hard to have these thoughts though. Hang in there❤️

Gigantosaurus

Date posted: 3d

Also! I know that feels a bit gloomy, but I would like to add that that’s why love is so special and beautiful. Because everyone has their own free will to do whatever. So choosing to be in a relationship with someone is to choose to be vulnerable to having your feelings in their hands. And when you trust someone with that, and they choose to love you, thats like the coolest and most special part of behind a human ever.

Muddy

Date posted: Yesterday

@Gigantosaurus Thank you. Both of your responses helped me a lot with the issue in this post and my most recent post. I talked to my boyfriend about my urges to do stuff like check his phone but that I really don’t want to because I know he loves me and wouldn’t keep things from me. He’s always been honest and worked on it when he has done stuff that hurt me. We talked for a long time about what we’re each going through and how to support each other. I didn’t really realize how much it was affecting me that I feel like I have to be perfect or people will leave until your comment. It really does feel like it’s completely my fault if he were think of someone else or do something that hurt me. We also talked through that a bit and I’m going to work hard on giving myself a break and realizing he’s choosing me exactly how I am and how if he doesn’t it’s not because I wasn’t enough.

Gigantosaurus

Date posted: Yesterday

Awww. I’m glad I could help! That’s awesome. I know how scary it is to talk to your partner about that stuff with ocd because your brain makes it feel like everything is going to be over. But communication is the best best best best thing we can do with each other in times like these. Why sit around and stress and wonder about this stuff when we can just talk to each other and start working on it? Definitely took me a long time to get that one. I’ve also learned that usually people don’t mean to be as mean or hurtful as our brains think they are. Just taking actions to understand each other can go so far. I hope you guys are doing better :)

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