ROCD - people who relate or happy endings

I could imagine myself with my partner if I was in a better mental state, when I look at old videos when I was anxious. I see oh I can see how I could have liked him. But then I get a scary anxious thought in the back of, but you didn’t like him or don’t like him. We were friends first & I liked his friend. And I set a perspective of him very early into meeting him. Also I don’t know how to get that girl back and I worry she was never gone and is coming up. TBH sometimes I don’t even know if I remember everything exactly right. But I am so stuck on all the negatives of our interactions or relationship. Since I didn’t like him in the past and it was real, I worry it’s still real now. But I want to think im not only with him because ocd. And it feels almost surreal because I feel like if I really don’t like him, that’s scary and I feel like I’m awakening again. And I get bothered because I don’t wanna believe it. I want to like him. I’m scared of hurting him and I’m also scared of handling my ocd alone, he’s a big person who’s helped me on my ocd journey and told me I have ocd because he does too. And I worry that’s our only connection and this whole time I wanted it to work, but it isn’t. And that feels real. I don’t want to accept it tho.but my brain is making me think im only staying for those reasons, im bothered i don’t get a follow up thought of “no i like him !” I smoke weed everyday for 4 years, i feel like i dont deserve him and I know what he wants in life and I just feel deep down I don’t love him like that, so I can’t. And it kills me. And it’s because I liked his friend before too, so it just feels real. But I don’t wanna accept this. It would be so scary. If I knew someone could grant me a wish that I want him, I would say yes ! But then I get anxiety, even after that wish is granted I’ll still be anxious. I can’t imagine myself happy with him, and I hope that doesn’t mean I can tbe happy with him. I’m hoping I’m just learning to accept the thoughts but we will be okay. I just haven’t felt in reality in a while, and I don’t know if reality, is the girl from the past who still feel like sometimes. Or a new girl that I am not allowing myself to be, and I can’t see it. Sorry guys I know this Is a lot. I really just want to know and I hate that I’m starting to feel alive like I know, because I don’t want it to be true. I don’t wanna hurt him, and I’m bothered I don’t have a follow up thought “but I like him.” I used too, but I don’t anymore and I’m hoping it comes back. And I want to hope that if I didn’t say I used too, someone would say I like him anyways. Anyone relate????