feels very certain

@BigGyro09 the urge to confess is hitting me hard right now and i’m just trying to let it pass but ughhh it’s difficult. the initial sort of panic after seeing a specific comment section online passed but it’s been lingering for a bit now. it’s some of the same things i think i’ve already spoke of on here as well. i just sort of wish i had someone i could tell all of this to who understands how ocd works but i know that likely wouldn’t help and would only lead to me engaging in more and more compulsions. i’m not even sure how much detail would be too much to go into with a therapist because i don’t want to use that to confess either. i also just feel guilty about some of the times i’ve already confessed and wish i could take it back. also, it’s good to hear from you again! i’m glad you’re doing better, especially with having compassion for yourself :)) i’m trying to do the same as well. i suppose everyone has things about themselves or their past that they likely wouldn’t tell other people and would get negative feedback, it’s just a bit hard to not catastrophize over it. realistically i know i don’t need to tell everyone these things but i sometimes feel like i’m deceiving them if i don’t and they’ll somehow find out anyways, which is just another ocd thing that feels all too real.

@worryywart I was getting the urge to confess when I was talking to this woman I have a crush on. I eventually let it pass but it sucks having to think about the things I did and I just think what if she knew that about that side of me. It good that you acknowledge that the thought of telling someone who understands OCD and will support you won't help because it will lead to more compulsions. Confessing is definitely one of the hardest compulsions to get passed beside ruminating for sure. I'm really sorry that it's hard for you. It's hard for me too. Yes I am doing better. I'm having ups and downs with my days, but today is a good one. I just think with our OCD it makes us feel like we have to do something or else things will be very very bad for us. It will go catastrophizing our thoughts and whatnot. When you ten it "whatever" though, that's when I get like it gets confused and it gets even louder at you for going against it. My biggest problem is having other people know my entire story and then not liking me for it or thinking I'm weird or worse thinking I should be in jail for it. It ebbs and flows

@BigGyro09 yea i get what you mean, i feel a little bit better now but it comes and goes. i have the same fears as well and try to just not worry about it but its hard when i think there could be people that would feel that way about me, or losing people i care about because of my events. it’s hard to talk to my friends or think about pursuing relationships or even other life goals but i’m trying. another thing my therapist told me was to think of the present and tell myself that if those things happen, i can deal with them when they come, but to not spend time dealing with problems that don’t exist yet. i’ve been trying to keep that in mind and telling myself i shouldn’t have to live in constant fear. that’s probably another ocd thing that tries to keep us in that worry and doubt loop. i’m glad you’re doing better! it’s especially hard around the holidays for many people so hopefully they treat you well. i’m hoping tomorrow will be better and that i’ll just be able to spend time with my family and enjoy it rather than dealing with these thoughts. i hope your holidays are good as well if you celebrate!

@BigGyro09 Oops I had hit enter by accident. What I was saying was, I felt my mind light up seeing it but I also had feelings of discomfort, disturbance, and thoughts saying "I don't like this and I shouldn't be looking at it". This stuff is just hard, you know? Yeah, I'm glad I'm better too. I know the holidays can be tough for people but I think it will be alright for me with my family. Happy thanksgiving by the way!! :)

@worryywart I think perspective can also help. In my case, when I watched ai generated content and the other videos I have a lot of guilt and shame about, it came form a place of escalation which is something that happens through addiction or just consuming too much of this stuff. Deep down I'm not attracted to those things on those levels but I'll look them up or see them because it gives me a never before seen novelty away from desensitization. I imagine the same happens to people that have addictions elsewhere in their lives. It really sucks and I'm still learning how to manage this.

@BigGyro09 i’m definitely trying to put everything into perspective and use context for my real events as well. for some of them i was an ill informed child so i’ve been trying to forgive myself for those. it’s harder with the things that happened from 18-20 even though i know that’s still young but i hope one day i’ll look back and not feel the same way about then that i do now. for me i think i was just so used to using these things as an escape and didn’t really think much of it, or maybe i did but pushed the feelings aside. either way i eventually started to feel weird about it and stopped. i definitely had a moment of clarity afterwards and started to spiral about everything for over a month now, even after confessing and asking reassurance from someone close to me and on the app. i’m trying to just let it go but it feels harder since it’s more recent.

@BigGyro09 lol i don’t even notice that. it’s definitely hard sometimes but i also know it gets better, i had this initial feeling of absolute dread and despair when i had my first real flare up and thought my life was pretty much over. it was so bad that i would ruminate and get anxious until i would get physically ill. years later, the same things still bother me but not as much as back then, so i know i can get through flare ups worse than this. i just really hate this theme. and happy thanksgiving to you too!!🦃🦃 enjoy the time with your family and hopefully as few ocd thoughts as possible :))

@worryywart I too was not informed at all about the things I worry about. I remember seeing very bad things when I was young, even illegal things that were on and off YouTube. I think it's important that you noticed something about it that made you change your mind about it overall. I think it just means you weren't aware until that point of what was going on or how. I have context for when it comes to my worries as well but I feel like it isn't enough. I know deep down I don't enjoy the things I've seen and it was only due to escalation and desensitization but I just can't help but have that shame and insecurity follow. Especially when it comes to relationships. I'm honestly still trying to figure this all out with my therapist. Yeah this theme sucks a lot. I remember feeling the same way you did the first time with my very first themes. Then I felt this way again thinking about the legality of the ai videos I watched, but I overall just feel so disgusted and ashamed with this compulsive use. Then when I hear other people that are in relationships, that's instantly an insecurity for me and I'm still trying to understand why. I see it as an automatic success thing when I know not everyone's lives look like that and are still successful people. Right now I don't feel that great physically but I am enjoying my time. Just trying to be in the present.

@BigGyro09 i definitely feel like i should be a little easier on myself sometimes since these aren’t things i’ve continued to do, i just hate that it happened when i was at an older age, especially some of it being just a month or so ago. but genuinely all i can do is try to move on, even if i worry about the legality/morality of it all. it especially sucks when you’re become so desensitized by everything because of so much exposure and early exposure, especially at a young age like you mentioned. i also think it’s natural to want a relationship and most people do especially at this age. i feel the same way a lot of the time and have since i was a teenager and just felt like there must be something wrong with me if i’m not in one since everyone i know has been in one or at least had people interested in them. like maybe i’m just too unattractive or “bad” to be in a relationship. we’re also both still so young and i think we have so much time to figure things out, especially with relationships. i often feel ashamed with myself for not having been in one for my whole life (aside from like…middle school but i wouldn’t count those). my real events are also related to it somewhat because i was seeking out things that i felt i lacked and now i worry that they’ll ruin a relationship in the future. but guess i’ll just have to wait until then to figure it out. some people don’t get into actually successful relationships until later in life, and some people rush into relationships that end up failing, so don’t feel too bad about other people being in one especially amongst your peers, because sometimes they don’t end up working out. i also have to remind myself that people showing off their relationships online aren’t always truly happy in them as well. we shouldn’t have to deprive ourselves of something if we really do want it just because of ocd and what it tells us. i guess for now i’m going to try and focus on college and whatnot, and remind myself that life moves differently for everyone. it’s hard to not feel lonely or left out occasionally but i’m sure when it finally comes it’ll be worth the wait. like you said, just trying to be in the present more.

@worryywart Yeah, I get that completely. Some of my worries are just weeks ago. One was just yesterday. I'm really just trying to work through the shame in therapy because I really need it. Not everyone would feel this way and it's something that never goes away for me, even if it's not specifically this. It could be a trigger, the mention of specific words related to relationships, etc. I don't even know what I want to do about my compulsive habits. I don't know if I can completely turn them away because they'll just come back. I think I really just need to focus on getting rid of the shame. I don't know the specifics of what is bothering you but I doubt it would make my change the way I see you already. I feel every single bit of what you said about relationships. I just can't live with this shame anymore and I need to find a way to get rid of it. It's the one thing my OCD latches onto and I hate it so much. I guess the only thing that I can do is just not be on my phone and figure it out in therapy. Not being on my phone helped me forget about it for a little bit. I know that relationships wouldn't have really been for me back then because I just didn't know anything about that stuff. I put this narrative in my head of what a healthy relationship looks like and in high school I convinced myself that being in a relationship was a way to really "fit in" and feel like I'm succeeding in life. I still haven't let go of that and I feel that often times my life isn't as productive as others. I just want to stop thinking like this because it doesn't help at all. It's all OCD at the end of the day. I don't know. Just really sick of this

@BigGyro09 the shame is probably the hardest feeling for me to move past as well. it just feels so all encompassing sometimes, like it’s impossible to turn away from. but then i have moments where i don’t feel that intense feeling of shame and guilt. i’m sure we’d both feel those moments more often with more therapy and erp overall. with a lot of work i’m sure you can break free from your compulsive habits! i think it might help if you slowly try to ween yourself off of them to eventually fully cut them from your life. i’m trying to do the same with some of mine like compulsive searching, which i unfortunately fell back into today. but then i stopped myself and set my phone aside. my therapist also told me maybe setting a time limit where i could do my searching and not go beyond that, and slowly shorten that period of time, maybe something similar could work for you depending on what habits you’re talking about. the specifics of the stuff that i’m currently worried about are some i’ve sort of mentioned before but of course with real event it loves to add on extra layers and attach other events as well. i’m definitely trying to stay off of my phone as much as possible since that’s where so many of my triggers and compulsions come from but it’s hard because like a lot of people in our generation i’m unfortunately pretty addicted to my phone. i’ve been trying to get back into gaming and drawing or other things that i used to enjoy but i’ve been a bit uninspired lately i guess. i doubt you’re as unproductive as you think, especially if you’re taking time to work on yourself and work through your ocd. not only will it better yourself as a person but also your relationships with other people, even friends and family. i think it takes a lot of maturity to even recognize that you need to reflect inward a bit. i also think it’s good that we’re doing this work now without being in relationships rather than later down the line. not to say that we should force ourselves to stay out of one if we have an opportunity to get in one, but it’ll definitely help in the long run to have done some of the growing that a lot of people don’t do until later on. i’m struggling with the whole lack of a relationship thing quite a bit right now so i definitely understand what you mean. idk im trying to just sit with the feeling of loneliness the same as i would anything else but it’s hard.

@worryywart I think OCD definitely plays a part in exaggerating that shame and making it feel worse than it actually is for sure. There are times I feel like I can defend my areas of shame, call it out for what it is, and say "This is a little much, but I'm working on unlearning this shame" but there are other days where it's just too intense. Still thinking about medication as well. Don't know what I'll do with that... That's what I'm struggling to figure out. How to slowly go off of them, like lower doses as time goes on. Just don't know. I don't really know how to do that with adult content, especially since I don't feel like I have that much control over it to begin with. I feel you on that drawing stuff. I love to draw, and it's something I really do need to be making more time to do. That and going back to working out. Someone else told me the same thing: That maybe I don't give myself as much credit as I deserve. It's just so hard not to do that when all I see in my mind is what I'm not doing right. The mental filtering is so messed up. I can write down the things I can do right, am confident in, and love about myself but it's just hard to do that off memory. Takes a lot of practice I guess. I also don't feel like it's fair. Which, I mean, of course it's not. OCD sucks and nobody should go through this, but just seeing other people "have it all together" and go after the things they want with no trouble just gets me feeling like I'm behind. I can tell myself that I'm not supposed to compare myself to others or compare journeys all I want, but it still bothers me. As for the loneliness thing, I've heard that being comfortable with alone time is something that's possible, but that just sounds like torture for OCD minds. There's a solution out there somewhere.

@BigGyro09 i forgot to ask my therapist about medication the other day🫠 definitely will be this week though, at least to just come up with some kind of plan to try in the future. the adult content i’m not sure but i know it’s possible. for me i sort of just quit (somewhat) cold turkey but i know it’s not like that for everyone and it’s possible to have slip ups. it happens. i guess it’s more just making sure you don’t have a dependency on it and trying not to over-shame yourself when you do have slip ups. i also know chrissie hodges has so many videos on shame and a few on this particular topic that have actually really helped me! it’s funny that we’re both also into drawing! i need to start working out as well, or just doing something physical. i was much happier when i did yoga and was swimming often, etc. my mom was right about that too i guess lol. and i still have a hard time finding things to like about myself, its easy for ocd to cloud your judgement and warp your own perception of yourself. but based on everything you’ve told me, you sound like a pretty cool guy and i’m glad you’re able to at least somewhat acknowledge that. i’m usually pretty introverted so i get the need for alone time occasionally. but right now i don’t have many friends and i’ve never had people really interested in me especially since college started. it does feel very lonely and depressing but you’re not alone at all. i know people talk about a “loneliness epidemic” for our generation but sometimes it truly does feel like it’s just you. it’s not though, everything you’re saying i relate heavily to. for everyone one person that seems like they “have it all together”, there’s probably 1,000 more like us.

@worryywart When I've quit, it works, but sooner or later I just find myself having anxiety spikes that are so overwhelming to deal with I go right back to watching it. It's just a self soothing thing more than anything. I can't help but notice how much happier I was before I was so glued to my phone and watching so much sexual content. I often go back to my childhood and see the things that made me happy, things that I remember, and all of that didn't include my phone and porn. I tell myself that if I just don't include that stuff in my life, maybe I'll be happier. But times are different from me being an adult and being a kid. These are things I can just shut off and pretend don't exist. I do want a break from it all though. Guess I'll just leave that to therapy. Yeah, drawing is something I do enjoy doing. That and wanting to learn Spanish and Japanese. I have to really get back into going to the gym because that was something that did keep me busy. It's also just good for you too. I guess what I can try to do when it comes to adult content is separate myself from the things I watch. There are very few things that I watch that I think are apart of me but a LOT of it I can confidently say is not. I know a lot of the things I see or can think of I would not actually want in my actual life. I guess that brings me some comfort. Do you think you struggle with self esteem? I know I do. But I'm sure you can make an entire list of times that you like about yourself. When you take time to do it, it's possible. :) For college, you can always join clubs of your interest if you have the time. It will be a good start for meeting new people. That's mainly what it comes down to, though I know how much anxiety that can bring when you're introverted. I'm also very much a homebody. I love to be home more than I do outdoors. If anything my phone ironically makes me feel more alone than I usually do. When I say ironically, I do mean it, because social media can definitely do that. If I were to see my friends that I haven't seen in person for a long time and they told me the things they're sharing on social media, I know I'd feel more connected than I would seeing it behind a screen. Actually getting to see my friends face to face and talking about so much does wonders compared to what it could do on the phone, even if that seems like it's the only option.

@BigGyro09 therapy will absolutely help with all of that and it’s definitely easier than handling it on your own. it’ll also help with finding healthier ways to cope with really bad anxiety as well. i’ve actually been on duolingo a lot lately, right now i’m doing italian and have like a 40-ish day streak. i’m trying to brush up on my spanish too! it definitely makes me feel like i’m at least being productive plus i just love learning about other languages and cultures. i’ve struggled with self esteem my whole life sadly. beauty standards and whatnot made it so much worse, i mostly struggled (and still do) with my looks and now it’s also a lot of social aspects since i’ve always been really shy and quiet, plus it’s really likely that i’ve just been masking in every social interaction and not realizing it. it’s even worse having not been in a relationship as well because it feels like it confirms my insecurities😭. i’ll definitely have to try making a list like that though! i get what you mean, i’m usually too nervous to actually go to events in person and i just end up feeling fomo when i see everyone i know going out and doing things. i want to go to like local music shows where i am i just always shy away from it. basically all my friends moved away for college while i stayed in my hometown so i’m just sort of alone in general and even in my 3rd year haven’t made new friends. i’d like to but i just haven’t made the steps i know i need to take mostly out of fear of rejection. i was recently able to see a few of my friends in person because of the break and i felt much better after seeing them, it’s just hard not having them here all the time. i’m really lucky i have a close group of friends like that since middle school but i get what you mean. that’s also something you can work through with a therapist though! that’s what i’m doing currently and i think it’s somewhat helping me gain a little confidence with talking to people. i just have to make sure i’m paying attention to my own social battery and whatnot. i do hope you’re able to see your friends in person again! i always like to plan get-togethers at least over every break so we can hang out and catch up.

@worryywart Yeah, it should. It would also help me just look at this in a perspective that's more healthy and not full of shame all of the time. I've had Duolingo on my phone and haven't used it in forever. I had a lot of fun learning those languages and I love the culture that is in Spanish and parts of Japanese culture. I don't know if I've struggled with self esteem my whole life but I definitely can recall moments in my childhood where I felt like the odd one out in social situations or just being shut down by peers. I too have those days where I think and feel like I'm not bothered by my looks and other days where I am. I think that myself comes from unhelpful thoughts more than it does my initial opinion of my looks. And yeah, the whole single status and "expectations" doesn't make it better. I think when we feel better about ourselves and are comfortable with who we are all of that lessens. I too have one close friend that I've known since junior high. I've been better than I was before when talking to people and opening up with people. I do have really good conversations with my friends even if I don't see them as much, mainly one I have a crush on.

@worryywart Congrats on your Duolingo streak by the way!

@BigGyro09 thank you lol! it’s probably not the absolute best way to learn a language but it definitely helps me :) i’ve been interested in learning japanese as well but i just haven’t gotten around to it, i’ve always wanted to visit tho! i feel like that’s probably really common to feel left out especially if you grew up introverted or shy. i got called “weird” a lot so i think that contributes to it as well, kids can be really mean sometimes. i definitely have to work on my overall self esteem too and just feel more comfortable with myself in general. that’s also something clubs could probably help with, by surrounding myself with likeminded sort of people. i’m hoping i’ll make some friends next semester since i finally have another in person class after basically being a hermit and only taking online classes lol. it helped my social anxiety but definitely made me more antisocial as well. it’s good that you have a solid group of friends to talk to though! sometimes even just making a phone call is nice and can make your day. i haven’t opened up to them much about my ocd or anything but i think maybe opening up a little bit might help, i dunno.

@worryywart I've always wanted to visit too! It would just be cool to learn the many things there are there. It definitely is an option for learning a new language. I'm sure you will! We overthink these things and it usually isn't as bad as we think. It's almost always not like that. I believe if you trust your friends and you've known them for a long time, you definitely can open up to them about it. Even if they don't understand every single bit of it. It would more than help to have that extra support and just someone knowing and being there for you compared to the opposite. :)

@BigGyro09 i’ve always wanted to travel just never had the money to but hopefully after college i’ll be able to take a trip. i hope you can visit one day too! yea lol i’ve realized im usually so worried about myself and how im coming across in social situations that i forget most people probably feel the same way. it’s so easy to get lost in your own head about things like that. sometimes it genuinely helps me to remember that im not that important in the grand scheme of things and random people aren’t that worried about me, it’s mostly just in my head. and i’ll definitely try to open up to my friends eventually when i feel the time is right, i’ve sort of mentioned it but not gone into much detail. also we’ve been talking a lot about me but i hope you’re doing good as well!!

@worryywart Yeah it would be nice! Just never had the opportunity. Yeah I think everybody feels that way to an extent but for us it's to a different level because of OCD and anxiety and whatnot. But we can still hang in there just as much as others can. Social battery is also important too. And what you said about not being that important is that they call spotlight syndrome. I'm sure it will go great when you tell them! I've been feeling pretty great tonight if I'm being honest. My thoughts aren't so heavy and they aren't weighing me down. Thanks for asking. :)

@BigGyro09 i never knew spotlight syndrome was a thing but that makes sooo much sense now! weirdly enough it reminds me of this meme that actually made me rethink how insecure i can be, i actually *do* think about myself too much and realizing that has made me sort of recognize i’m probably taking myself and life too seriously😭. it also sort of helps with my ocd thoughts so i sort of use the same mantra for those. and that’s so good, i’m glad you’re doing better now! even having a bit of a breather feels nice. it can be especially stressful with holidays and everything so i hope they go well for you!

@worryywart Yep, there's something for everything out there! Yeah, maybe we have to give ourselves more breaks and just be easy on ourselves from time to time. A growth mindset seriously helps with this because it doesn't limit you to what you think you can do. So far this week has been pretty good. I feel good right now tonight, and it's when my OCD thoughts are very quiet. I don't know what's making them so quiet, but they are and I'm not complaining, that's for sure. Thank you! I hope you're okay too. :)

@welpp it’s hard but i’m trying to have more compassion for myself and recognize that i’ve changed as a person even if i do something wrong. all we can really do is try to forgive ourselves or at least not constantly worry about it. especially as a teen/young adult we make so many mistakes and have so much to learn from, so don’t beat yourself up too much!