I’m so afraid

Hi. A couple of months ago I got black out drunk (very unlike me and has never happened before) and don’t remember anything from the day. Afterwords, my friend told me that I made her feel uncomfortable by being too touchy and not taking no for an answer. From what she has told me, I only made her uncomfortable and crossed a boundary, but she told me she didn’t feel assaulted. I have since talked about it with her at length, apologized for my actions and taken full accountability. I am now on a full downward spiral because I am obsessing over other experiences I’ve had with friends/partners and if I pressured them sexually or made them feel uncomfortable. No one has ever voiced this to me, but now I can’t stop thinking about different situations. I am paralyzed by these thoughts. I am unable to function, I’m bed ridden, can’t go in public, can’t even work. I have gone to see my doctor and I’m gonna supplement my medication with something else. What I really can’t get past is feeling like a terrible human being capable of terrible things. I don’t know how to stop this thought pattern, or whether I deserve to be punished. Has anyone ever experienced something like this or have any advice? Please.

al01

Date posted: 7d

While I haven’t experienced this exact scenario, I can absolutely attest to the immense amount of guilt and feeling like a terrible person after having made a mistake. I will relentlessly beat myself up! The long and short of it is this — Maybe you are all of these things you think about yourself, but I want to ask you this — would a terrible human being feel remorse? Would a terrible human being go out of their way to apologize and try to repair their friendship when they know they’ve hurt someone? Our mistakes don’t define us as people. The actions we take to correct those mistakes will. And you did that already. You took action to mend the friendship and apologized for your wrong doing. Anything after that point is just OCD trying to run the show, and you don’t have to let it! Ruminating on the issue will solve nothing. Repeatedly apologizing, while it may feel necessary given the circumstances, could be compulsive. The goal of OCD treatment is to learn to sit with the feelings of uncertainty and discomfort without using a compulsion to feel better. Because when we do compulsions, we’re only fueling the OCD cycle. I think giving yourself some kudos for your efforts to rectify things can go a long way. Remember OCD loves to attack the things that we value the most. Clearly you value this friendship and you value what others think of you. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be giving yourself such a hard time. Try to find solitude in knowing you’ve done your best to make a mends. At this point, you’ll have to accept the uncertainty of what will happen next and sit with the uncertainty about what may have happened in past relationships. It will not be comfortable. But the more time you spend confronting these fears head on, not giving into compulsions to check, seek reassurance, ask for clarification, etc., the better! OCD demands answers, and the fastest way to break the cycle is to allow the obsessions to be there without acting on a compulsion to obtain momentary comfort/peace of mind. Sending you good vibes and hoping you can find some peace in all of this. Definitely look into ERP therapy for this in addition to meds. The meds alone won’t do squat, unfortunately. You’re stronger than you think & you aren’t alone here.❤️‍🩹

Gwen Stone

Date posted: 7d

@al01 Hi, Wow, your wisdom and kind words have really hit a spot in my heart. Thank you so much for saying those things, and they’re all so true! My OCD has done this to me for years, had shamed me, blamed me, forced me to think I’m some kind of monster. But I know that the truth is, all I want for this world is goodness. I’ve always wanted that, and maybe just didn’t know what the right things were at the time. But I will try to continue reassuring myself that I’m not terrible, I’m not vindictive, and I deserve forgiveness. Sending you so much love❤️❤️

al01

Date posted: 7d

@Gwen Stone OCD is the bully that LOVES to shrink our world. Don’t let it do that! Get out there, continue showing up for yourself and others, and find peace in knowing who YOU are. Not what OCD says you are!!

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