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My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

Please don't delete this post. Please. I feel so dead, even though I’m still alived. I don’t know if I’m depressed already because of my severe OCD. I’m struggling with Religious OCD, and after a recent severe episode, the days that followed felt even worse—more depressive, more lifeless. I feel like I don’t care about life anymore. I badly wanna die. I'm not suicidal person and I'm still scared to die. I have low appetite. I keep breaking down. I’ve started harming myself repeatedly—even though I only began doing that two days ago. I can’t see the purpose of my life anymore. I feel like I intentionally committed blasphemy, especially against the Holy Spirit. I feel evil, like I’m being punished by God—and that’s one of the biggest reasons I want to die. I keep having blasphemous thoughts, like I’m disrespecting or cursing God, especially the Holy Spirit, and it’s tearing me apart. Last night, I was thinking about committing blasphemy on purpose. I don’t know why that thought even came up. I think it’s my OCD—because blasphemy, especially against the Holy Spirit, is my biggest fear. While that thought was in my head, it was like I intentionally cursed at the Holy Spirit, then I took it back, then cursed again, then took it back again—and then cursed again. I don’t know what was going through my mind when I tried saying those things. I feel so scared. Did I really mean it? Was it my OCD? I feel like I’m going to hell. I’m so scared. After that episode, I almost harm myself again. I felt like I was evil for even thinking or saying those things. I even had a thought like, “I might as well go to the devil because I’m evil,” but I didn’t want that. I would NEVER want that. I was just overwhelmed and terrified. Because of how distressed I was, a phrase slipped from my mouth—“Why is there a Holy Spirit?”—and I panicked even more. I swear, I don’t hate the Holy Spirit. I don’t know why I said that. Some of my memories from that night are blurry. I can’t remember everything fully, just that I was in so much fear. I also had this painful thought about how even people who commit huge sins, like murder, can still be forgiven—but blasphemy supposedly can’t. And because of that fear, another thought came: “I wish I committed other sins instead, not blasphemy.” But to be clear, I don’t want to commit other sins. I don’t want to be a murderer or anything like that—I was just scared. So scared that I even thought, “I wish blasphemy wasn’t a sin,” just because I’m terrified of the punishment. I know that’s a wrong thing to wish. I know it is a sin, and I’m not against that. I just feel so condemned, so punished. I really feel sorry for that. Now I feel even worse. I feel like my heart is confused about the Holy Spirit. OCD keeps telling me I’m angry, that I hate Him, that He’s the lowest or least important of the Trinity. But I don’t believe that. As I learned about Trinity, I always saw God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as equal, holy, and powerful. But my brain keeps saying horrible things. I keep shaking my head, trying to fight it, but I feel like I’m going insane. This morning, I woke up with the urge to curse at the Holy Spirit intentionally. Right before I could say it, I’d pull my hair or force myself to change the words. I was in so much distress that another phrase slipped out of my mouth about God—but now I can’t even remember exactly what I said. I just know it was wrong, and I panicked. Now I feel like I deserve to be punished. I don’t care what happens to me anymore—but I’m still scared. I keep crying and begging God, Jesus, especially the Holy Spirit, to forgive me. I don’t want my life anymore. I don’t want to go to hell. I don’t know if this is all OCD or if it’s really me. I don’t know where to go, who to talk to. I can’t afford a therapist. My family doesn’t know what I’m going through. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have severe OCD. I feel depressed. I feel evil. I don’t know how to live my life anymore knowing that God might be punishing me, and that if I die, I might go to hell. Please don’t hate me. I don’t even understand everything that’s happening in my mind anymore. I don’t know what’s OCD and what’s truly me.

Last night, I was crying before I went to sleep. I feel so stressed, tired, and exhausted from doing compulsions every day. I feel very guilty and scared that I mocked God. After that, I thought I had fallen asleep, but I hadn’t. Suddenly, my thoughts started racing. I don’t even know if they were intrusive thoughts or just regular thoughts. All I know is that one thought came after another. I was replying to them in my head, and then another thought would pop up. I couldn’t control them. When I opened my eyes, everything around me felt like it was spinning. The white pants hanging in the corner looked like a bright light to me. Nothing felt real. Even while my thoughts were racing, I tried to blame myself because I thought I mocked God. But when I did, I felt a heavy feeling on my head. My head and stomach felt strange and sick. It was so uncomfortable. I even had a dream that felt like it had a meaning, and that scared me more. I’m afraid that what happened last night was God’s punishment for mocking Him. I woke up feeling very scared and exhausted. I’m also afraid it was a manic or psychotic episode because of how severe my religious OCD has become. Last night was so scary and it made me feel like I'm almost crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been like this for almost two weeks and it’s too much for me. I’m only 17 years old, and I don’t want to lose my mind. I’m scared to tell my family because when I first opened up to them, they said it was all just in my head. We also don’t have money for therapy. I’m too scared to even book a free call on this app because I don’t want my family to find out and think something is wrong with me again. I feel so tired of dealing with this by myself. I don’t know what to do to feel better. Religious OCD is literally killing me. I feel so scared. My intrusive thoughts are so strong that I feel like I might believe them, and I really don’t want that. I keep doing my compulsions, and I feel like I look crazy when I do it. I’m scared someone will see me talking back to my OCD. I just really need someone to talk to, but I have no one. Please help me or give me any advice. I’m really scared.