Diagnosed with mild hearing loss…

I’ve been a bit of wreck this whole day. Today, I went to an ENT appointment I set up to address potential hearing loss issues that I have been experiencing for a while now. The result of that was the diagnosis of bilateral sensorineural hearing loss (mild hearing loss in both ears). I’ve been ruminating and catastrophizing all day today cause I feel like my world is crumbling (despite me knowing that I could still live a fruitful life). I’m not afraid of losing my hearing per se, but rather, the implications of it and how drastically my life will change. I won’t be able to make music and films the same way anymore, or enjoy it like I used to. I won’t be able to work day jobs that require me to use hearing. Without financial security, I won’t be able to take care of myself. I’d to get to rekindle my appreciation and knowledge of ASL cause I think it’s a useful skill, but I’m just really anxious. I’ve already been struggling a lot due to other factors in my life, and I find myself thinking about death pretty often, but I have no desire to die. It just seems like the only escape. I’m very scared and full of grief. I want to resolve all this conflict now, cause I feel a giant sense of urgency but I can’t. That’s what’s killing me right now. I know I can’t solve it all, and a big factor of OCD is being okay with uncertainty, but I can’t fathom that. I’m so frustrated and I’m tired of suffering. I just want my physical and mental health intact.

Beccov

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

I have health ocd and it’s very easy for me to go from 0 to total catastrophe extremely quickly. I relate to thinking death is the only escape from the noise in my head though the last thing I want is to die! You’ve identified that you’re feeling scared and full of grief today after some news about your health and maybe that’s okay right now. You don’t need to solve anything, though I know sitting with uncertainty and discomfort can be really difficult. It helps me to remember that when it comes to health there’s a lot of space inbetween “good” health and total catastrophe. There’s a lot of steps inbetween. Also something that stuck with me - “why me lord? Why not you?” Pretty much everyone on the planet deals with some kind of health issue and nothing stays the same - our bodies are always changing. Perhaps give yourself some grace today and in the coming days and weeks see if you feel differently.

PRIV8

Date posted: 23w

Im dealing with that for years and im always scared that that means i want to escape from pain and i so have a chance to actually do it... Im really hard on myself about why do i think it, it means something and it makes me feel shame...

PRIV8

Date posted: 23w

@PRIV8 Expecially that it makes the feelings go away. Just today i had a panic about health and im afraid of being old and being afraid that you can die anyday, and it was so bad that then the thought that i would k*ll myself cause thats quick and im not afraid and i wont have to fear what will happen,cause letting it happen how it will is scary cause you cant control it, so this made me feel calm cause i would control it...but then i freaked out and since then i feel really bad about it, the whole thing was really not what i want but the feeling and my reaction was so strong that im questioning that i might have problems with this and i would actually have a suicidal problem if i would be there... maybe i wouldnt do it but i would think about it all day which isnt fun...

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

Hey, I understand your fears around all of this. I'm a musician who loves recording music, and during college (I went to school for Acoustic Engineering), one of my friends performed a hearing test on me as part of an assignment, and we discovered that I also had very slight and mild hearing loss at the time. It got me pretty worked up. My suggestion is to respond to all of the concerns you've laid out here with, "maybe, maybe not." Like it or not, you don't know if any of those things will come true. That hearing test was roughly 13-14 years ago at this point, and I'm still happily creating music without issue. Will my hearing get worse over time? Maybe. Will it get to the point where I'm miserable? Maybe. My dad completely lost the hearing in one of his ears as a kid. In his other ear, he has severe tinnitus. Even with those ailments, he continues to play guitar as a hobby, and even performs music with his friends. He's learned to live with his sensory limitation. He's even told me that at this point in his life, he doesn't even know if he would WANT the hearing back in his other ear, because it would probably be pretty disorienting to him to readjust. I don't mean to provide any reassurance here, I'm only saying this to challenge these catastrophic thoughts you're having. People react to health issues in a very wide variety of ways. I can say this though: your mild hearing loss is not the thing causing you suffering right now. It's the clinging to these thoughts that is making you miserable. Practice bringing yourself back to the present moment any time you find yourself drifting into these catastrophic thoughts. Use your ears that work right now: what can you hear?

nae nae

Date posted: 25w

Afraid I won't recover

I'm going through a rough time. I used to think medication would brighten my world, but if anything, it's muted it. The physical anxiety is less, and I felt okay(ish) for a while, but things are getting bad again. I'm so afraid I'll never get to a point where I feel safe in my body and in my mind. Today is the first day I've cried in... I don't know how long. But I didn't feel the relief I thought I would. Initially, I did, but it morphed into dread, and now I'm sitting by myself, trying not to panic. I really want to begin seeing a therapist for OCD, but I don't know how much my insurance covers. There's just so much on my mind right now. A whole bunch of old themes are resurfacing. I wish I could've been given a different path in life. I'm trying to stay strong. It's just really difficult. I feel like I'm being sent back to square one :(

Patrick McGrath

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 22w

Learning to sit with uncertainty and intrusive thoughts

Here is what I say to people: I wish I could make it stop. I really do. I also wish I could stop tinnitus. What is tinnitus, you may ask? Well, have you ever gone to a loud concert and after it had a ringing in your ears. Or, in movies when a loud explosion hears, first it is often muffled, and then there is a very loud ringing sound. Well, I have hear that sound for over 30 years. Turns out the medications I took as a kid for allergies and all the antibiotics I was on for Strep had a side effect for some people - tinnitus - that sound that I have heard every decade, year, month, day, hour, and second, for the past 30 years. I have learned to live with it. As I type this, it is REALLY loud, because I am paying attention to it. But, in a few minutes it will fade into the background, and, while I will hear it, I will not pay much attention to it, and therefore I will go on with my night. I will listen to music, practice my story for the MOTH radio hour, and work out. I will clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher, and I will eventually get ready for bed. I will go to bed hearing that sound, and fall asleep for a few hours until tomorrow morning when I start the day all over again. I cannot make the sound stop. There is nothing to do for it - no surgery or medication. Just learning to live with it, and that is what I have done. It is the thing that I hate the most in my life, and, if granted three wishes, it would be the first thing to change. For now, as I have for 30 years, I will live with it, and I will ask you to live with your noises in your head - the thoughts, the images, and the urges, and we will practice together accepting that things are not always as we want them, but we can handle that. We got this.

Chessmixxd

Date posted: 10w

Cause For Concern

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?

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Diagnosed with mild hearing loss…

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