in need of help

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

Meryn

Date posted: 11d ago

I’m right there with you. Everything just seems like a struggle lately. I want to make money but get upset if I’m put on more then one day for work. The littlest things that will only take me less then five minutes seems so hard to do. I mentally want to be free do the things I want but I physically can’t get out of my room and do them it’s like there’s a giant weight on my body holding me down. I wish I had some tips to help you. but I just wanted to say you’re not alone we all have struggles and things holding us back and we will eventually find a way to break these chains. And It’s normal to feel lost at a young age. Having school, work, social activities ETC. Can get overwhelming and cause stress. Just know you’re aloud to rest take a break do your side activities. You’re young, you got this, you’re not alone! ♥️

veinsoul

Date posted: 10d ago

@Meryn sorry you’re going through this as well… and yes!!! u got the heavy weight part right!!! like something that calls me right back to bed & stay there. it’s so strange. I hope you find the solutions you need. we got this!

veinsoul

Date posted: 11d ago

I literally want to go home right now but I’m at work. I don’t think I can just say, “hey I’m not feeling well, can I go home?” as a leader. I’m pretty sure they won’t send anyone home for mental health reasons. idk. but I’m a leader and feel like I need to be here and make sure everyone is fine.

veinsoul

Date posted: 11d ago

@veinsoul also, idk why I added a trigger warning. I guess just in case it does trigger someone. sorry for the mislabeling!

squirrelobse...

Date posted: 11d ago

I literally could have written this myself. I struggle so badly with starting work and getting it done. I'm at college (in the UK) and I'm constantly behind on work. I try hard to get caught up but sometimes it can be hard enough just surviving. I want to do well and get good grades but more than that – I just wanna feel happy and okay. I'm 18 already, and I feel like I've NEVER been good at doing homework and stuff, and it's been getting to me so much lately. I relate so much to nearly everything you're saying, so just know you're not alone at all 🫂🫂.

Meryn

Date posted: 11d ago

@squirrelobsessed School was never fun for me growing up, I fell behind while everyone shined. A 5 question homework page would feel so horrible to me and I would wait last minute to do anything I had to for school. My grades were poor I was put in help classes and bullied for being “the low life rebel” that couldn’t learn. I just stopped going to school for weeks on end. No friends, bad grades, etc. idk how I ended up graduating to be honest… I learned that high school or whatever doesn’t matter, the homework you do doesn’t matter,. We all grow up and move on with are life’s and I know that sounds depressing sorry but it’s true. Also not saying don’t go to school don’t do your homework. What I’m trying to say is that yeah school sucks jobs suck. But once we just do the damn homework or get the 8 hour shift over with. Don’t you just feel so relieved and think oh it wasn’t that bad. Life’s a B, I’m 22 and still haven’t gone to college I’m still trying to figure life out. I know one thing good grades and money are not what make people happy. If anything it’s the accomplishments to get there and the feelings of getting the hard things done is what makes you happy.

Sage._

Date posted: 7w ago

I don't think I can handle my ocd anymore

I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.

malolin_21

Date posted: 7w ago

Hey:) I just want to vent

I’m feeling kind of sad cause today was not a really good day in terms of my ocd. I was feeling kind of foggy/numb and that send me to spiraling. I’m 21 years old currently studying but my family has been having trouble with money for the last couple years(we’re just me and my mom) and I kinda want to get a job but everything is far from my home and I wouldn’t be able to return back at night, also it’s either way more expensive to move or the schedule wouldn’t let me take my classes. The point is that because of that every time my mom is stress tends to treat me bad, she speaks to me like I’m stupid or she just screams to nothing cursing all life and everything and that actually makes me feel soo bad and guilty for not doing anything, I know it’s hard for me to get a job that actually helps us without quitting school but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a burden. I want to help, I want to maybe hug her or something but I know she will be angrier and probably will reject it. So that’s it, I just feel like she punishes me for the stress she’s carrying and I get it but one day is happy and it feels like all love and the next is treating me like that, Idk it’s hard (also I feel like I shouldn’t be saying this cause it’s all my fault) 🫤

ConstantPain

Date posted: 6w ago

Dealing with a lot. Need support and company.

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

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