So so guilty

I don’t know why but today I feel so incredibly angry right now and I was so frustrated with everything including my two dogs. I didn’t hurt them or hit them or anything but I was particularly annoyed and angry when they were trying to get presumably a bunny or a raccoon from underneath the shed, so I had to pull my small dog away when he wouldn’t budge away from the shed and i couldn’t pick him up because I was not close enough. I feel bad because I know I love my dogs but oh my god I just get so annoyed with them and on top of them everything else I have to just shut down all day and the things I don’t understand. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want my dogs to think I don’t love them because i was angry and annoyed at them. I know they’re just animals and they love me and I love them. I want them to know I’m sorry for even getting mad. I wish I didn’t feel so angry and yet so disconnected at the same time. I’m terrified I’m an evil person or that I don’t love my pets or something. I started to hit myself and punch myself because I do that when I get over the edge angry. I don’t know why I feel angry. It’s a mix of anger and emptiness and I don’t want either of them especially towards my dogs.

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 7w ago

You are human. You are going to have days where you are frustrated, irritated, any kind of negative emotion. No one is happy and positive all the time. Do you have coping mechanisms right now, for when you feel shut down or dislocating?

ghostballZ420

Date posted: 7w ago

@MichelleV I’m a bit better than before, when I get really messed up I sit in my room for a while alone and watch whatever I think would make me laugh a little or play video games. Maybe not the best coping mechanisms but it helps me avoid the fear and makes them feel less grounded.

Enthusiast

Date posted: 7w ago

I’m learning new terms right now when it comes to making scripts for my BPD and one I learned was Object constancy. It’s the ability to know that someone’s feelings/ beliefs towards you remain the same despite the situation around you is changing. Ex: Having a disagreement with someone but understanding that they don’t hate you or want to leave you. Understanding that someone can be upset with you or you can feel rejected but their feelings towards you don’t change. Anyway, I understand that pets wouldn’t really understand this concept and what they see in the moment is what they perceive you as. However, YOU know that. You know that your feelings towards them isn’t black and white. I wouldn’t answer to thoughts that make you want to check feelings. Such as “do I really love my pets? Was that sincere? Do I not want pets? Am I a good owner?”. It would be hard but it’s just a compulsion to give you temporary relief. What I do when I get a thought like this is focus on what’s in front of me and describe it in my head to redirect my attention or I’ll start singing a song in my head !

ghostballZ420

Date posted: 7w ago

I feel anxious in waves I feel angry annoyed then guilty and empty and then crying sad I am so confused, I’m worried I don’t love my pets because there’s times where I feel so empty and even angry with them but I still take care of them and spend time with them especially my smaller dog I had since I was 13 and I’m worried that I am losing love for them because of how empty I feel but I know I’ve felt dissociated lately I don’t know if it’s that but holy crap man I’m worried I don’t love them anymore

Anonymous#1020

Date posted: 25w ago

Please don’t ignore, I need help this is rly bad.

When I was a little kid, I used to be horrible. Every time I thought an animal was too cute or something, i’d get violent, terribly violent. I regret it so much and wish I never did anything like that. It follows me in my mind and I hate it even though I was a child. Then a year or two ago, I got upset at my cat and tossed her onto the bed very quickly and hard, and pushed her down. I remember feeling like I didn’t want to hurt her but I didn’t want to let go. I cried after it happened and gave her many treats. Around the same time, my dog got me mad i just smacked her nose but I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Idk if i was 14 or 15 at the time? I would never do anything to hurt any animal now, but why did I ever do it back then? It makes me so sick thinking about it and now I can’t STOP thinking about it. I still never wanted to hurt my cat, but she got on my last nerve at that moment and it happened multiple times and I threw her pretty fast. I can’t believe I’d ever do that. I’ve been hating myself for it ever since i started thinking about it again. I can’t forgive myself and Idk what to do. I wish I could go back in time and never do what I did. She was still only about 5 months old at that time. She means the world to me and we have a very close bond, but now I feel like I can’t love her because what I did. I feel like I can’t have friends, or anything really because I feel like I don’t deserve anything. I feel like a terrible monster and I hate that I ever did anything to a little angel that didn’t even do anything wrong. Idk how to forgive myself. I hate that I did that and I wish I never did. It still wasn’t as bad as it was when I was little, but it’s still not okay at all and I can’t go back in time and change it, so now idk what to do with myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be around my cats babies even though I love them with all my heart. I’m 16 now and not the same ragey person as i used to be. I had a lot of anger built up from an ex that I was with at the time, but still WHY would I take it out on my beautiful cat. The more I think about it, the worst it gets, it’s sucking up all of my happiness.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 20w ago

Do you ever just feel like a bad person?

Does anyone else experience this lingering fear and anxiety because they think they’re capable of hurting someone? It’s killing me. I feel like I’m such a danger. I feel like I’m a predator. I feel like this awful person and I can’t shake it. I want to carry on with my day but I can’t. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I’ve done awful things. I can’t stop crying.

BeeCee87

Date posted: 16w ago

Intrusive thoughts Help.

I’m having a very bad evening with my intrusive thoughts. I was doing really good dealing with them but tonight one hit me hard. I’ve been having a lot of different intrusive thoughts but I’ll have one occasionally about hurting my mom or my dog who I love and they’re the only family I have in my life. They’re my world. I was helping my mom put away the dishes and I had the big kitchen knife in my hand and my intrusive thought was you could stab your mom. And then my brain said I had a twitch in my hand and that meant I wanted to do it. Let me just say that I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I actually caught a fly in a glass and put it outside instead of killing it this evening before this intrusive thought happened. I’m such a gentle and compassionate and caring person and these thoughts instantly cause me to have a panic attack. And I have no one to talk to them about. I know they’re hard for my mom to hear and I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I do desperately want to tell her and have her reassure me that I’m not crazy or a psycho. Then my thoughts wander to if your hand did flinch could you be a psychopath. Is hurting someone in you. I know it’s not but I feel like my mind is out to get me and hurt me. I’m working so hard and I thought I was doing so good but I need to know why I have these thoughts. They’re not ok. I need someone to help me make sense of why. I know we aren’t supposed to ruminate but I shouldn’t have thoughts like this about people I love and care about the most in the world.

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So so guilty

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