I'm sorry if I keep posting I'm just scared..

But I accepted the feeling and I feel like I genuinely liked it that's the terrifying part how am I even the same person after that this is not the first time this has happened to me like when I used to daydream about guys I would get feelings of genuine and then my mind would pop in something I did not want to think about in the first place and I even just accepted it but it felt like i liked it even though I did not want to think that but this time i litterly forced myself to watch the movie and i started to check to see if i felt something and i did 😭 and I didn't even feel anxious after that like wtf I used to get so anxious but it's been going on for 3 months now I've kinda just accepted this like and they felt genuine like really and i liked it!? Like I was litterly checking and I i dont know anymore i was doing so well i cannot keep calm about this I've had false attraction before but this!?

Like I was only trying to do exposure something told me to not watch that movie I shouldn't have watched it.

Like I feel like a monster but it's like even typing this I don't feel anything like im calm i dont even really feel scared but I feel anxiety in my stomach kinda it's like a butterfly feeling but not anything else I'm just so num to it's like I've just let myself go and was like yeah I like this people who know me in here know I've been going through this like this just cannot be right how can I move past this and how can I forget this when this is litterly what I genuinely felt now I'm having thoughts it's like What!? Why would I even want to feel or think that but I did I don't know what to do I just don't get it all my 21 years of living on this earth I've never ever wanted to have a feeling or thoughts like this ever and it feels like I'm suppressing how I really feel like I WAS DOING JUST FINE LAST WEEK I WAS OUT with my mom I didn't care about anything I'm sorry for rainting I know I'm loosing my mind I was even crying too but I feel like it was because of the fact that I did like it and I feel ashamed or guilty I cannot do this I'm sorry.

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 First of all, doing exposures can be so difficult and scary, so I'm proud of you for at least trying. That might be why you're having this flare-up. Doing exposures is all about purposely triggering the anxious thoughts and feelings and then practicing sitting with them until they go away. I understand how real it can feel, and it's terrifying, but it's not you. The fact that you're so worried about this shows it's the OCD. I relate to the anxiety in the stomach a lot... Shame and guilt are two of the most debilitating emotions to deal with, and sadly, it's how OCD keeps us in the cycle. I've also wondered how I'm supposed to move past this, or if I'll ever forget about the thoughts I've had, but I try not to think about it too deeply because I think it's also another trap to get me to ruminate. :( Don't ever apologize for venting. It's so stressful and isolating to deal with these thoughts, so it's okay if you need to vent sometimes. No one is judging you. We just want to help. We're in this together, and I believe you'll be able to overcome this. I'm here if you need to talk about anything else.

@nae nae I just woke up I didn't feel anything but the feelings came back and the thoughts I just don't understand though because why would I even think that or feel that or even want to feel that like like you ever look at someone and your like oh and you feel this and then your like wait wtf!?! What am I doing it was like that like I was not in my right mind I think I might have just was like you know what I'm just gonna feel this way and have this though or think this though I think it's because I was hyperfixating to hard and I felt something Idk or I was analyzing To hard or it's just I already felt that in my stomach......

@nae nae Like the thing that bothers me about this is that I didn't even experience anxiety in that moment and like I just allowed and wanted it to happen like wtf.. and the worse part about is that i feel like i like this crap like no

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I hope you'll be able to get some more sleep. Why do you think that? How do you know you wanted it to happen?

@nae nae Because I did and that makes everything so much worse I know what I felt like I just let it happen like now I feel scared my body feels warm.

@nae nae And like I feel like I'm suppressing how I really feel it's like I have the urges to think about something bad like something innaproprite and I feel like if I don't think about them I'm just denying and denying and the worse it gets and I feel so tired and drained like I just give up. I just don't know how im supposed to move past this I know what I felt was genuine attraction I think and now I cannot stop thinking about this like how am I supposed to live normal.... I cannot and every time I sit with the thoughts or feelings nothing happenes. Or then it does happen what did it feel like for you

@nae nae Did you know how real it felt for you

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I'm sorry for replying late! For me, it felt very real, but it made me panicked and anxious. There was always this sinking feeling in my stomach, and the fact that I kept ruminating over it was proof that I disliked the intrusive thoughts (urges, feelings, etc...). It's hard to distinguish at times because our minds are so good at tricking us back into these harmful cycles, but it really is just the OCD. It's not you, even if you question if it's real or not. I'm sure you've had people tell you this before, but just acknowledge the thought, feeling, or urge and let it pass. For example... "Oh, there's that thought again! Hello, OCD!" And then shift your focus as best you can back to whatever it is you were doing. It's difficult because our brains are "untrained" right now, so it'll take time to train them. But it'll get easier the more you practice doing this. No matter how real or how scary it feels, just keep practicing and don't let it stop you from living life. The feelings will eventually fade as you give them less attention.

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I know how hard it is and how hopeless it can feel. How never-ending the thought spirals can be, but the only constant in life is change. It'll pass. You'll probably go through phases... For me, I felt overwhelmed by the thoughts, feelings, urges, etc. in the beginning. I didn't know how I was supposed to live in that constant state of shame and guilt, and then things went numb. I knew that I didn't like or agree with the thoughts, but I was too tired to think deeply about them. A bit after this stage, I had a spike in thoughts again and freaked out, but I realized what was happening (since it'd happened before) and was able to ground myself and wait the feelings out. I'm getting back to a point in my life where I'm able to enjoy things again. Of course, I'm still struggling with these thoughts, but it's so much better than before, and I didn't think it'd be possible to feel like this ever again. You'll be able to get here, too. :)

@nae nae How am I supposed to sit with these feeling when knew it like I actually liked the feeling how is this supposed to pass and how do I know what I felt was false like I still wake up feeling distressed but the anxiety in my chest doesn't really acute I kinda just accepted this how am I supposed to feel. Normal again like infant just go on about my day knowing that I liked the feeling and felt something how am I supposed to move on and I still feel like this

@nae nae Like I physically felt something and it felt Real and now Idk what do and now i feel like i liked it and i was crying because of it and is i still feel like that how am I supposed to ignore that and move on when I know how I felt in that moment I've never had this happen I mean this has happened before but it's always been false but this time it felt Real and now I cannot stop thinking about it and I feel like it's real how to u explain that to someone like this is scary I've always been into men wtf is going on now I cannot stop thinking about this the person keeps popping up in my mind like I don't want to think about this I litterly don't know what to do and if This gets worse I think i might end it like I cannot...

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I went through a similar thing. I'd been sitting in my room and heard my younger brothers playing in the room over. An intrusive image of me going in there and doing something horrible to them popped into my mind, and I felt freaked out. Then, my mind began telling me that I wanted to do that, and it felt like someone was screaming, "Do it! Do it!" at me over and over again. The anxiety spiked so quickly, I felt physically numb, but it felt like I'd really do those things in that moment. I ended up getting up from my bed and going to my little brothers room (a compulsion, most likely) to check on them, and when I looked at them, I immediately knew I'd never do anything like that. But, for like a week or so after that intrusive thought, it kept flashing in my mind over and over, and it was horrible. I cried a lot, too, because I'd never want those things. That's not who I am, but I felt convinced that I'd do that or become this type of person, or that maybe I'd secretly liked these thoughts, and I was just in denial... It was overwhelming, and I had the same thought that maybe it'd be easier if I just ended things, but I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the thoughts to go away. And, I don't think I'd be able to do that to my family. So, instead, I continued practicing healthy habits. If I felt anxious, I'd journal all my thoughts and feelings out (while also including positive messages in my writing). I'd go on walks and spend time with loved ones, even if I felt horrible. I still have small doubts that find their way into my thoughts, but I don't give them the attention they want, and they fizzle out fairly quickly. I've shared all of this with my mom and my sister in greater detail. They know who I am, and they know I'd never want to do those things. I've said it before, but the fact that you care so much shows that it isn't real. People who really enjoy these things and want them don't feel bad about it, and they don't consider ending things because of it either. Please don't think there isn't a future where you won't have these thoughts. There is... Change is the only constant in life, and this too shall pass. I'm still trudging through things, but it's gotten a lot better for me, and I really do believe it'll get to that point for you, too. If you need support, we're here for you. And if you're comfortable, be open with your mom about it. You're loved and needed.

@nae nae I'm just scared that might turn into a non offender like those people like that's terrifying. I always worry about stuff like that I don't want to be that.

@nae nae I've even been having dreams of police officers showing up to my house and dreams about that other stuff and now I'm having dreams of younger people like this shit is scary but the worst part about is that I feel dull and I do wake up feeling anxious but I don't feel disgust or anxious I'm just exhausted like I said I think I'm just accepting this crap I don't feel anything and I feel like I'm just typing this to type it's really bad

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 Well, I understand if you're typing a lot. It's just because you're anxious and don't feel like you have others around you to share absolutely everything with. Even if you do, it can still be difficult to share these things face-to-face. When I opened up to my psychiatrist about all of my intrusive thoughts and my fear of becoming a horrible, harmful person, I thought a swat team would barge in and arrest me on the spot, or that she'd send me to a mental hospital. Instead, she just calmly nodded as I opened up about all my fears, thoughts, and worries. She didn't judge at all and only expressed that she wanted to work with me to manage these thoughts and that it's just that... Thoughts. I'm sorry that you're having distressing dreams. Those are the worst because you LITERALLY have zero control over them at all. Just from us talking, I do not think you're going to turn into a non-offender or anything related to people like that. You are probably the farthest from it, even if it's hard for you to see that right now. I hope that doesn't count as reassurance, but I felt like it needed to be said. You're obviously in a lot of distress over this. I wish I could be more helpful. :(

@nae nae I just don't feel anything at the moment I still feel numb even when I have the dreams I don't wake up with anxiety in my chest anymore I'm not scared I just feel numb I sometimes purposely try to think of whats bothering me to see if I react in disgust I don't feel shit and I don't feel sc at ed disgust or anxious I mean I still do feel anxious but it's not a lot I don't even feel scared I just feel numb like I've accepted my fate that one day just feel to real like I actually felt something and its like I was upset because of the fact that I felt something that ive nevr ever wanted to feel it legit felt like real attraction and i just didnt even panick in that moment and and it felt like I actually liked it and the thought? Like Idk what's happening to me like I've even ignored some compulsions too and I still feel like this that's not good. But it's like at the same time i feel nothing but I feel something you know when I think about the person I get anxiety tingly feeling in my chest but I try and force myself and imagine things so I can feel disgust but I feel like unlike it it's so bad I really hope this is just false and OCD still because

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 Checking is a compulsion. Reviewing memories is a compulsion. You're still dealing with OCD. These thoughts, feelings, urges, and dreams are not a reflection of you at all. Stop trying to force yourself into imagining things and fighting against the feelings to try and prove they're false. You just need to acknowledge that they're there and shift focus onto other things around you. Go outside and take a walk, spend time with loved ones, and journal these things down instead of ruminating over them... Sometimes, it helps to get things on paper and out of your head. Watch a comfort show or read a book from your favorite series. Ground yourself in the present. I can tell this is really bothering you by the frantic typing🥹 It's going to feel strange when we start not immediately panicking over intrusive thoughts we are having, but that's normal. We're just so used to this chaos that it can feel almost uncomfortable when the anxiety isn't there.

@nae nae Ok but if I do that I still feel like I like this and theirs feelings inside of me these false feelings and this popping up in my head it's really hard to stop thinking about it that's what's worrying me even when listening to music is horrible I'm sorry I'm just really exhausted by all this

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 Don't apologize at all! You're going to feel like this. It's unfair, but there isn't a quick fix. It takes time and a lot of inner healing and training our mind to think differently. I really do understand how difficult it is to not think about it. It used to be all I could think about for hours on end, every single day. Waking up is the worst. I feel like the OCD and anxiety are amplified in the mornings. I'd go online and see people's recovery stories where they talk about how they got their life back, but I still felt stuck. I'm guessing that's how it is for you currently? :(

@nae nae It litterly feels like I am attracted like shit is scary I feel like I even like it that's the worse part like I have these feelings that I'm suppressing and it it was false I would not be still complaining about this like it's so scary I don't want to feel like this. It's like my mindset has changed.

@nae nae I was even talking to an online operator and she sent me a website involving real offenders like wtf I was telling her that I had compulsions and other OCD things like what.......

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I don't know why she'd send that. Did she tell you?😭 I'm so sorry. At least you're able to recognize that if it was false, and you really were this person, you wouldn't care this much about it. That, and the compulsions prove it's OCD. It doesn't change how horrible or how real it can feel, though.

@nae nae I don't know I told her I don't think she understands.

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I think I need to get off this app and just let myself heal my brain because it's feels very real if i dont get better then honestly I don't know what to do.

@nae nae But it's really hard to stop searching about this kind of stuff because I feel like I'm at a end point.

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I think it has to do with the fact that I've been checking so much like over and over and over again

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 Do feel this do i feel this way about this it's gets to a point you know. And my mind has grown used to that and I don't worry or panick anymore I'm just used to it.

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 I don't think she understands either. Don't let her words affect you too much. She might not know much about OCD and its different themes. Searching and checking are both compulsions, and I know it's really hard, but you'll have to quit doing it. Otherwise, you'll only end up feeding into the obsession. If you feel the urge to do either of these things, set a timer (maybe 10-15 mins) and challenge yourself to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and that urge until the timer runs out. But, if it runs out and the feelings are still there, set another one, and then another one. Just keep doing this until you're able to sit with the feelings and not act on those compulsions. As for taking a break from the app, I think that'd be a good idea. You're always welcome to come back if you need advice or support, but it's good to just sit with ourselves for a bit from time to time. Can I ask, do you have a therapist or any professional you are currently seeing to help manage the OCD? I'd encourage it if you're able to, just because I know it can be hard to work through these things by yourself. :(

@nae nae I'm doing erp therapy

@nae nae And I've tried to sit with the feelings their still their I litterly feel real attraction like is this what it does one moment when I try to feel and let the discomfort win over I don't feel anything and my body is like ew no Its gotten so bad we're I litterly cannot look at younger people bro like I'm so scared I even think I like this but if I really did like this why am stressing so much about it i cannot stay home by myself i just wanna be ok this is actually concerning I was litterly fine before all this like litterly I think someone needs to examen my brain because there's no fucking way..... Like no way

@nae nae I've done compulsions before and I've always been like romanee it's ok it's just your OCD you didn't actually want to do it it's just OCD and then I'll be fine but this litterly has changed my whole mindset like legit and the worse part about it is that it's like a lingering feeling in my chest that I feel like I want to be there but I don't and I don't feel disgusted anymore just numbness like my body will litterly give my false attractions and then I get anxiety in my chest like omg am I that has been going on for so long I've kinda just accepted the fact that maybe I really am because I don't get that scary feeling anymore when i see someone younger it's just like it's an on going thing you know angle my brain has accepted it I still block out the sexual intrusive thoughts though that's on trying I do not want to think about at all but i still get groinal responses like and. When I'm watching movies with my mom I still feel the need to expose myself so I don't feel shit and its like my brain and body every time the little people come on screen my body is like oh your attracted!? You like this feeling and it genuily feels like I do I was not feeling like that before all this AT ALL like it will litterly latch on and that's when I start panicking and feeling like that

@nae nae But other than pocd I've had intrusive urges we're I felt like I was gonna die and I litterly though I was gonna die and nobody beloved me this was in August I litterly was so depressed like it felt like independing doom fr like i just hope this is just like that were it will eventually fade because there's no way you can all of a sudden just become a p word like like this happened because of a compulsion a compulsion but it's like I didn't want to do the compulsion which led me to spiral and believe that I was one and now I'm in this state and I know I didn't want to do it you can't just become a p word because of that people just naturally find that out by themselves not because of a compulsion it just doesn't make sense

@nae nae And I litterly believe if I didn't do the compulsion I would not be in this state right now or be on here or feel like this

@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 This is something I really relate to. It felt very sudden for me as well. There was a point in time when I didn't worry about these things at all. It didn't even seem like a possibility, but things got really bad this past year. Even in just the last few months, I've developed so many fears that I didn't have or even consider before any of this began. So, I understand how confusing that can feel. This is also just a horrible theme to develop... It's helped me a lot to talk to other people about it. I don't think (or know if) my younger sister deals with OCD, but she said she's had similar intrusive thoughts before due to news online about those people. I've spoken with her about it a few times, and it's helped me process these thoughts and feelings a bit more (while also grounding me to reality). I'm hoping it'll eventually fade, too, though. It's gotten a lot better for me, so it's possible. There was a point where I was like you, unable to really look at kids without feeling this sinking feeling in my stomach or getting intrusive thoughts, but it doesn't really happen anymore. I think living at home and having to constantly be around my little brothers has honestly helped as a form of exposure. This disorder is insane because it can make us question ourselves and even doubt that we know who we are, but deep down... we know. The people around us, our family and friends, they know who we are, too. The thing that happened with you in August just farther proves it's the OCD. I had a similar experience before a trip our family went on. I'd been convinced the plane we were taking was going to crash, and I genuinely thought we were all going to die. I cried and begged my family to cancel the trip, but they thought it was ridiculous that I'd convinced myself of this. Of course, nothing happened, but it felt so real in the moment. You say you hope that these feelings will fade just like they did when you were convinced you were going to die... Hold onto that hope. Don't forget that experience. You're going to get through this, but I'm sorry you're having to experience it at all. It's horribly exhausting... I hope the ERP therapy begins working for you. Try to keep away from doing compulsions, although I know it can be tough. I've definitely given into them at times, whether it's on accident or purpose. Especially when it comes to reassurance seeking. That was a huge one for me. For you, checking seems to be the biggest issue. That's a little tougher to deal with (in my opinion) because a lot of it is mental. I'm still working on not doing this compulsion, too, but it can be managed. I'm glad you at least have access to some form of therapy. It'll make a huge difference...

Go to share something...

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@🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊 Thank you