Delusional thoughts - scared. Please read.

Hi everyone. I’m going through it at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. I posted this before, but I really need to vent about this again. Feeling really anxious. I would just like to hear more opinions and advice please. So my main theme of OCD is harm related, especially towards my mom. I live with my mom and I love her dearly, and she loves me as well. We’re best friends and have been close my whole life. I was diagnosed with ocd and generalized anxiety disorder at 15 years old, and I’m 32 now. Got back into therapy this year due to flare up of my ocd. Back in July I had the thought “what if my mom wants to hurt me?” Which led to thoughts that she is going to hurt me in my sleep or plotting against me. Also just other crazy thoughts like what if she’s secretly a killer or something. My mom is one of the kindest people I know, gentle and polite to everyone she meets so to have these kinds of thoughts just seems too bizarre for ocd. They seem almost delusions. There were also urged to like barricade my door at night so she couldn’t get in, which I never did of course but the thought to even do that and feeling like I wanted to freaked me out. I even had the thought like “maybe I should report her to the police.” It just sounds crazy deep down, but those thoughts and fears feel so real at times. It just seems to lead to more paranoid type thoughts and it freaks me out. Fast forward and the thoughts went away, but the past two weeks or so they came back and I have been thinking them on and off. They give me anxiety, which then makes me think I believe them. Like if I’m scared of the thoughts, that means I believe them. I wonder a lot if I really believe them or not. I know I truly don’t deep down, I never once thought like this before, but the feelings and doubt make it feel real. I have told all of this to my mom and she understands me, but I feel guilt and shame as well to have these thoughts. I want to get back into seeing a psychiatrist again since it has been 15 years without any adjustments to my medication, but ai’m terrified of seeing someone new and then diagnosing me with schizophrenia or think I’m experiencing psychosis due to how delusional these thoughts sound. I’m scared to be misdiagnosed, even though I have always just been diagnosed with ocd. But maybe I have changed… I hate these thoughts and I just worry they’re too bizarre for ocd. If this isn’t something else. I’m scared ERP won’t help with this or that it will make it worse, prolonging me from getting different help that I may need instead. Thank you for reading all of this.

Username: ScuderiaAlphaScuderiaAlpha

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13w ago

Don’t feel alone! As I said before on your previous post, I had to go back to ERP because of this EXACT theme of intrusive delusional thoughts. My thoughts too were so out there and so bizarre and scary (and I PROMISE you they really really were) that I thought “there’s just no way this is OCD anymore I think I need other professional help”. Fast forward to 3 weeks later and I’m doing better! Still got a ways to go with this but yesterday I had one of my best days yet with the road to recovery. It took a leap of faith to accept and trust my therapist that it was just OCD messing with me when it literally didn’t feel like it anymore and I’ve sat with ALOT of discomfort over the last few weeks, but I promise you it gets better!

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 13w ago

@ScuderiaAlpha Thank you so much. I appreciate you reaching out both times to me - it means a lot! I have been having bad anxiety today because of these thoughts, so it makes them feel so much more real. Like I had the urge to tell my mom “don’t hurt me,” and again I think for me to even think that or feel the need to say something like that makes me feel like I truly believe and fear it actually happening. Like I’m not fully into psychosis yet, but getting there. I don’t know, it just feels so strong at times and I can’t tell if I truly believe in these things or not. Constant back and forth in mind.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 13w ago

a few cliff notes to keep in mind about OCD 1. it will ALWAYS make you think that what you are thinking or experiencing ISNT OCD, that its too different, too odd, too crazy- and by this logic alone, you KNOW that it is IN FACT-OCD, they don't call it the doubting disease for nothing 2. I have a family member who has schizophrenia, I have seen the delusions and psychosis. She WAS NEVER AWARE of it. people with psychosis don't question " am I crazy?" they are literally delusional. If you WERE actually delusional, you would not be able to reason with yourself, your mom would have likely called the police on YOU because you would have barricaded the door and you would be CONVINCED she was trying to harm you. So just keep in mind, if you have the ability to question if you're going crazy, you're not going crazy. 3. I know you want to feel better, but a very common compulsion is seeking reassurance, and unfortunately, this app is FULL of people doing exactly that. Its understandable you want advice, but be careful, posting on here too much can become compulsive and compulsions make OCD stronger. I started back on meds in July because of a BIG flare that hit in April that I just couldn't get past. I have a therapist with NOCD and she is GREAT. i highly highly recommend seeing if your insurance covers their therapy. Psychiatrists prescribe meds but they aren't typically trained in therapy and regular talk therapy can be detrimental to OCD. I didn't start ERP until my meds kicked in and my baseline anxiety was under control. I had THE EXACT same fear as you "What if ERP makes me believe what I'm afraid of" but it doesn't, it helps you overcome it. Get your meds adjusted and focus on your health first, sleep, eat, and exercise, these things prepare your body for the therapy. then once your anxiety is in check, you can start ERP. You will be alright <3

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 13w ago

@TexasOCD41 Thank you so much for your insight. You left a comment on my other post and I love hearing what you have to say. Thank you. I had the urge to tell my mom “don’t hurt me” and it felt like I really wanted to say it to her. I didn’t, but for me to even think that or want to say that made me think I really believe this. Like I’m not questioning it enough and just accepting it, but accepting it by actually believing it. I try to remind myself I have never had paranoid type thoughts before this flare up, but it still scares me that maybe I have been so stressed and down that I have developed something else as well. I did start seeing a therapist last week with NOCD (sadly insurance is not covered) and I’m making an appointment with a new psychiatrist this week. My meds havenmt been adjusted in over 15 years, so might be time for an adjustment. Although it freaks me out to see one because I feel like I will tell them these thoughts and they will assume I’m experiencing psychosis and misdiagnose. But this is also me catastrophizing and I need to chill. I hate how this disorder makes us feel. It sucks.

Username: ScuderiaAlphaScuderiaAlpha

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13w ago

Would also like to add what Dr McGrath says on his NOCD webinars: “OCD feels real because it HAS to feel real. If it didn’t feel real you wouldn’t be doing compulsions and you wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t be a problem.” Just something I always like to remember when OCD (particularly with this theme) is coming at me full force and it can feel so truly real. :)

Username: krjb2krjb2

Date posted: 13w ago

Your thoughts are most definitely not too bizarre for OCD! I’ve had similar thoughts about people hurting me and me “wanting” to hurt others. What you are describing is valid!

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 13w ago

@krjb2 Thank you so much. I just get so freaked out that this is actual delusions and then I worry about it. Especially because I think about it, it gives me anxiety (which of course makes it feel real), and then it leads to other paranoid type thoughts. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me at all, and other times it’s like full blown panic.

Username: krjb2krjb2

Date posted: 13w ago

@Solrose The anxiety making it feel real makes it so so hard to differentiate what’s real or just “in your head” it sucks big time but I believe in you. My best advice that my OCD therapist told me is to ignore the intrusive thoughts by saying “whatever” and “ok cool” by doing this you aren’t feeding into the OCD and the more you do this the more control you have over it. It can be very hard but it’s very affective in the long run.

Username: gracexocdgracexocd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13w ago

Hey! This theme ocd is what started me in erp therepy. I had a bad panic attack which caused me to be super aware of my mental health - eventually turning it into exteme health anxiety - which became into an obsession of thinking I would become (or already was) schizophrenic. This theme is super rough, I think more so because you’re constantly in a battle with what you believe and don’t believe. The ocd genuinely makes you believe you could be something you’re not. This theme comes and goes for me. I’ll be okay for a couple months and then something will trigger me and I again, think im going into psychosis. I remind myself that OCD is strong but im stronger, and then if I ever did become schizophrenic, I’d get help and I would BE OKAY! You are not alone this theme is pretty common ❤️ wishing you best of luck

Username: Brainonfire24Brainonfire24

Date posted: 12w ago

I am currently dealing with these thoughts myself! So you're not alone in thinking like this! And as you can see. Others have dealt with this too! Hope you're doing well!

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 19w ago

(PLEASE READ) feeling helpless

*PLEASE READ* I’ve been struggling with bad harm intrusive thoughts for a couple years now. They’ll go away for a couple of months then get triggered by something and start all over again. As much as I try to tell myself that I would never act on these thoughts I have a memory from when I was little that I was going to hurt my parents in their sleep and that memory has haunted me till now. Of course I didn’t hurt them but I thought it and I feel so guilty about it today that it makes me sick to my stomach. I love my parents so much and would never want to hurt them or anybody. I just want these thoughts to go away because they don’t line up with my values of who I am. But every time I tell myself that my thoughts are not facts that memory pops up making me feel like an awful person. I feel right now as if I don’t deserve any love from anyone because of these thoughts. I’m a believer of God and I feel as if I don’t deserve his love as well and that he has given up on me. These thoughts have also turned into a new theme of being scared I’m actually crazy and going into a psychosis. I’m just so scared and just want to be normal. As much as I tell myself ocd lies to you these thoughts have really scared me and I haven’t felt like myself in days. I’ve also struggled with health anxiety and intrusive suicidal thoughts. I know seeking reassurance isn’t good but I’m so scared.

Username: Sharalanda_M...

Date posted: 17w ago

Psychosis/ Harm OCD?

Hi everyone, I am currently experiencing what I believe is an OCD flare up. I have been diagnosed with OCD and I primarily suffer from Harm OCD. I used to only experience it about once a year but since my second child was born, I am experiencing it a lot more and live with almost constant anxiety and maybe depression? So the new thing is that I'm afraid I am developing psychosis. I am scared to look at my oldest daughter (4yo) because it scares me when she spaces out and stares off into space, chooses the color red for anything, or has dark circles under her eyes (she has asthma and always has them). I guess the fear is that I will be one of the those psychotic moms (specifically like Laurie Daybell) and think my child is possessed and hurt her. It is literally hard for me to look at her and I feel terrified to be alone with her. On top of that, I have intense guilt because it seems to be more towards her than my youngest. Has anyone experienced something similar? What type of ERP was helpful? Looking for a therapist now but it is so hard to find one that understands. It's so hard to talk about. Thanks for reading.

Username: Solrose

Date posted: 13w ago

Paranoia / Delusions. Please Read.

I know I shouldn’t be seeking reassurance as I know this just fuels OCD, but I really need to vent. I just continue to feel so alone with these thoughts and worries. I feel pathetic for writing about this again on here, but right now it’s just overwhelming feeling. I have posted on here before about this, but basically I continue to have thoughts that people are out to hurt me, including family members. I don’t even feel comfortable at home right now cause I get these thoughts and I feel so fearful/anxious of them. I’m terrified this is more than OCD and that these are actual delusions. It’s always just in the back of the mind the past few days and it’s exhausting. Feeling like I can’t trust others and not even myself. Plus it goes a long with my harm thoughts, because I thought “if my mom is trying to hurt me, I need to hurt her first as a way to protect myself!” And I just feel so much dread thinking that. Like I’m actually going to do it and it makes me depressed and panicky. Plus I picture all these different scenarios, like me being in the hospital, my life officially over, losing my job, etc. I’m thinking the absolute worst. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with OCD at 15 and have had flare ups over the years on/off, but at the beginning of this year it started my worst flare up yet and has just continued to persist. First started with health, then turned to my usual theme of harm, and now it’s harm/mixed with fear of psychosis. I try hard to just let the thoughts be, but the anxiety persists and the thoughts won’t go away. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and hard to concentrate on anything. I just want to know if this is OCD or delusional thinking. I feel like I need to know for sure, to know that I’m actually safe and that I’m not a danger. If the longer I wait, the more damage I’m actually doing to myself. Thank you to whoever reads this and relates or responds. I appreciate this community and how open-minded and open-hearted you all are. This disorder is horrible how it makes us doubt and question everything.

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Delusional thoughts - scared. Please read.

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