I don’t know

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

For the past like 4 months, my ROCD has been getting worse and worse. I’ve been on lexapro for about 1.5 months now and it’s basically gotten rid of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. But now I’m stuck with the constant feeling of not loving my bf. At this point I can’t even recognize him as someone I love. Like I will stare at him and try to feel something or recognize him but I feel nothing. It feels like I don’t love him anymore, but I don’t want to give up. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know if it’s still the ocd and the medication is making it worse or if I’m truly just falling out of love with him. While not being on the verge of a panic attack and ruminating 24/7 is great, i feel like I’ve lost my identity and my emotions.

for me it’s getting to the point where i don’t feel in love with my boyfriend anymore. i’m trying to keep myself from compulsing since my compulsions are all mental. it’s like the thoughts consume my mind every second of every day and i can’t catch a break. it’s like i want to be with him so bad but my brain won’t allow me. any advice?