Getting better

@AmandaB345 I haven’t started therapy yet!! I have my first appointment next week and I’m excited/ nervous! Lmk what your therapist says. Sometimes I feel so confidently straight but sometimes I feel like I’m lying to myself so it’s tough

@takingmylifeback Oh yes I will come back and use this to let you know what she says

@Anonymous It’s so tough especially bc the last thing I want to ever do is hurt him and when he’s so sweet to me I feel so guilty. It sucks so much

@takingmylifeback Thats exactly how I feel. Its like I so badly want to get engaged and be happy with him but I feel guilty like im lying to him - even though im not

@Anonymous I know it’s so tough. I told him about my thoughts and he was so understanding and amazing and it gave me a bit of hope but also anxiety that he’s so good to me and if I’m gay I can’t change that so then I have to break his heart. I don’t want to be with anyone but him it’s so hard

@takingmylifeback Thats great he was! So was mine - but yes - I think that’s why the thought is so distressing for us as its alot to lose if it was true! I know i have to accept uncertainty with ocd but I dont want to or know how to accept this uncertainty?

@Anonymous This is exactly how I feel. I’m not sure how to just truly accept uncertainty.

@marsmith98 Yea it’s. I honestly don’t care if I’m bi but it feels like accepting it doesn’t give me much reassurance bc then it’s like well you already accepted you’re bi next step is accepting you’re gay. There are times where I get so much clarity that I’m straight and I feel so confident and like nothing can tear me down. But ig I also just read on Reddit and it made me go down the loophole again. I think I need to remind myself that someone else’s story isn’t mine

@marsmith98 I used to also struggle with bad rocd and honestly when that theme is more distressing I tell myself “well I know I’m not gay but I don’t know if my bf is the one for me. It’s so tricky

@takingmylifeback Yeah the ROCD will find a way no matter what. That’s why you need to find the things you can ground yourself in, which honestly should be something completely outside your relationship. You need to be able to trust in yourself more than anything else. Also…just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you’re automatically gay 😅😅

@marsmith98 Ig it’s easy to say for someone that doesn’t have this subtype. It’s been a little bit triggering but I’ll use as exposure

@takingmylifeback Nobody else’s story is yours! I struggle a lot with SOOCD and ROCD. It feels so up and down from one day to the next. One day it convinced I’m a lesbian, the next I’m so im feeling so in love with my boyfriend and convinced I’m straight, the next I feel numb and asexual, and it goes on and on and on. I’ve been working on stopping rumination which has been a true game changer. Some days are harder than others but that’s what recovery is about! We got this!!

@LV4523 This is me!!! It’s so so hard!! It’s especially hard when reading things like the comments on this thread about maybe I’m bi and what not. It’s so hard sometimes I feel like giving up but we got this

@takingmylifeback I agree! The hardest things for me to get over are certain things I did / looked up in my childhood that suggest signs of being a lesbian. But Chrissie Hodges has a really helpful post on this on instagram that helped me put into perspective childhood curiosity and things like that! These two themes combined are the worst!!! I also forgot to mention that some days I’m also sure that my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore 🫠 I dream of a normal brain lol

@takingmylifeback I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone who IS definitely bi, so I’m not sure what the experience is like for someone who might be actually straight and having intrusive thoughts about this. Sorry if I made anything more confusing for you! But I will say that the fear is what feeds into the OCD cycle no matter what theme you’re dealing with - the more power you can take back from it by standing up to it, the better.

@LV4523 This!!!! I feel like me biggest compulsion is looking back at times I remember and trying to decipher what they meant. I honestly thought I was the only one doing this & bc of that it wasn’t ocd

@takingmylifeback No this is actually one of the most common compulsions! You’re not alone!!! I try and tell myself “yes this all happened, and yes it might mean you’re a lesbian. And yes women who have come out as gay might have had a similar experience, but ruminating on this won’t help you solve this.” Just acknowledging that these events exist and mean different things to different people has helped me begin recovering. I have a long way to go but slowly we can all get there! It’s all about staying present with your current life

@LV4523 Yea I guess it’s just so hard to deal with uncertainty bc I have my bf that I don’t want to leave so it’ll literally change the whole trajectory of my life

@takingmylifeback Me too. My boyfriend and I are long distance too which is really hard!! But we will get through it