Hypersexuality/love feelings/Myself

(18 or older pls <3 no advice needed nor am I in pure distress, just here to journal and vent) I can't really tell how love or sexuality feels like anymore honestly,, I mean.. right now I just had a hormonal moment like usual and and honestly I felt dirty. I have many thoughts just hit in me, and I want to talk about it. (+ I also just had a contamination trigger due to fears and taboo stuff but I won't seek reassurance. This is irrelevant to the post.) This just brings me back to my younger years,, and trauma with my middleschool coherced relationship, and even to my elementary online days. It just feels unhealthy, and overall the feeling of love itself just feels unnatural. I remember.. when I was 14, 13, around those ages I also had really dark thoughts and only sex was on my mind 24/7. I would objectify myself like crazy and it didn't help that my middleschool partner's mom talked about pregnancy plans and grown up stuff. I still have many self-degrading thoughts regarding sexual feelings, but I think it's hypersexuality, I don't like it.. I can't tell though. I tell myself that I'm asexual/aromantic/demi who knows but it feels suchhh a lie. I've been a daydreamer about romantic stuff all my life, but realistically it feels wrong. : ( I do have my fictional worlds though, and honestly it makes me really happy so I guess it doesn't really matter, haha. I'm not secure of myself either, I'm still very mentally not great, and just overall I'm still really degrading of my ownself. Real Event OCD doesn't help as it paints me as iredeemable. I feel really alienated,, I don't know. --- Am I even pretty enough to date? Mmm, maybe. I just think I need to love myself more. I never stood on a clear side on whether I was an ugly or pretty girl growing up either... I've had moments where people thought I was ugly. I remember being called a creature once, told I looked like a boy (due to hairyness + being Mexican), said I looked trans which lead a whole gender crises in Elementary/6th grade then causing a massive Gender OCD journey later on, etc. Then I was told I looked stunning, beautiful, been crushed on. As said many times before, I was coherced into the middleschool relationship due to obsession against me, was borderline fetishized on being Latina which I think is why I'm so obsessed with my ancestry + morphed appearance OCD, + etc many real events with other people as well... many things just piled in my head. But it is a massive lie if I said I wasn't sexualized or fantasized back then. And now people just see me as an awkward girl again. I don't know,, that's my conclusions. I can't really rely on others with this since I can't be forced to date or fix my feelings with these topics, self-love takes action on my own and it takes time. I guess I'm just scared hahaha. I don't like it, and I wish I just could feel normal but I can't, and that's okay. I'm just traumatized. Hopefully in the future I'll heal. 💜