Surgery, OCD spikes , ERP and humor

🩵 To my OCD siblings I hope you can read this story, feel less alone. OCD is absolutely debilitating, and dispite living my best life its still practice ERP in my everyday life and take medication. I personally like to use humor as part of my non engagement responses. A heads up before you read 🩵 *Trigger warning this story contains conversations about medical procedures and Death* This summer I found out I had a rare deformity in my airway that would require surgery. Cue OCD spike and the endless spiral about being put under anesthesia dying young, leaving my family to grieve, my dog not knowing why I'm coming home, emotionally contaminating the OR room so everyone who goes in after dies. My partner killing himself etc (you get the picture, you have probley lived the picture) Because I have the tools to handle it, I handled it. Wasn't fun but being proud of doing your best and living your values while, also simultaneously being tired and grumpy because you just want to live but you have the intrusive thoughts + the energy used to practice ERP + actually doing things (thats being human , ride the wave) Flash forward to today (surgery day) and I am SUFFERING, panic attacks, tears barely holding it together. I am in the passenger seat on the way to the hospital just trying to hold everything in. Then suddenly in the driver's seat my partner (who has been with me pre diagnosis, during therapy and at this point forever and ever amen) gestures to the rain and says "what a wonderful day for your last day alive" and proceeds to say "very tragic, very tragic, you were so young" "I definitely won't let the dog see your body and he'll just wait for you to come home" at this point I relax because the intrusive thoughts can't scare you if you just lean in. So for the rest of the drive we plan my funeral and it gets increasingly outlandish. And this is how I make through all the pre op things. Fast forward to gowned up, things signed, IV in waiting to be taken to the OR. I start spiraling and my partner says "maybe I'll make knuckle bone dice from your bones or a knife cane with your femur, because clearly after you die my grief will turn me evil" (there was a comical evil laugh with this as well) I laugh. Cue more wild funeral plans including become fertilizer for the garden and gold plating my bones as decoration. We see people walk by with awkward judgy looks. A laugh some more. Because unless you have OCD or love someone with OCD you don't understand that the highest form of love is sitting with the uncertainty together 🩵 Take aways from this story ... 1) even when your living your best life, OCD spikes happen and your allowed to feel tired, grumpy, sad whatever you need 2) you (and your ocd) are worthy of love and there are people out there that will love all your bits and pieces 3) Do the scary thing (if it aligns with your values) cause the last month or so of ocd spike was worth it, the surgery and the anesthesia and the intrusive thoughts were worth it. I'm breathing so much better and I can't wait to hike with my dog again 🧡 (and lets be real if it wasn't an OCD spike from surgery it would of come up with something else like my airway collapsing, the joys) May you all have people in your life willing to join you in uncertainty whatever that looks like for you 🩵