Perfect storm of triggers but I’m being brave

CW HOSPITALS & EMETOPHOBIA ⚠️ I don’t censor words in this post Posting this just to not be alone in my evil evil head I guess 😭 I had to drive a family member to the ER this morning (they’re okay don’t worry) but the waiting room is such a nightmare. I made soup this morning, but didn’t get a chance to eat before I had to abruptly leave to get my family member, so I thought “okay I’ll eat my soup when I get home.” Cool, okay, I was excited about the soup which is already big because I have this fear that if I show or feel excitement about something, I’ll jinx it and something bad will happen, but I locked in and let myself be excited. Then we got to the ER and were waiting for a while, and everything was fine until a lady started gagging/throwing up in the waiting room somewhere near us. We got up to sit somewhere else but oh my GOD it freaked my emetophobic self out. My brain now is just a constant stream of “was she close enough to be contagious? Did she touch anything you touched and you just don’t know it? Was someone else sick before you got here and they contaminated something you touched?” Like GIRL leave me alone!! I struggle so much with knowing what’s a reasonable reaction and what’s not. Like, certainly throwing away the clothes I’m wearing the second we get home is a step too far, but is a shower/immediately washing the clothes too much? So many things I want to decontaminate, but at the root of all of that, I know I just have to accept that yeah, maybe I did catch something at the ER, and if I did, that’s just what it is. I’m struggling a lot (still currently waiting for my family member to be discharged) but I know that my anxiety is not the arbiter of this situation. I don’t know what will happen, but my plan was to go home after this and eat my soup, so that’s what I’ll do. Whether I throw up later or not is not something I can control. Live laugh love I guess 😭