please hug your pets

tw: pet loss. nocd please dont shadowban this one i need support ocd stole years of my relationship with my childhood dog from me. i am so selfish. even when my mom told me she was taking her to the vet tuesday afternoon i assumed it was just dental problems. i didnt want to accept that i wouldnt have any more time with my dog. i was doomscrolling and posting selfies like whatever. but then we learned she has liver disease kidney failure and diabetes. needed iv. she wouldnt eat or get up. when she got home, she walked to her water bowl. we were hopeful. nope. she didnt eat. my mom facetimed me with her. she then told my dad to pick my brother and i up ( we live 2 and a half hours away for college ) she wanted her to push thru a little longer for us but nope. with an hour and 30 minutes left of the trip she passed. two seizures. her body is so cold and hard as a rock. even now my ocd doesnt stop. even petting her all i think about is my brothers snot and the contamination of the couch she would sleep on. i was able to kiss her but i had to step out to process everything and i feel so bad. i was overstimulated with all the sources of contamination in my parents house. i passed thru a narrow hallway with my dads hamper with his belt sticking out and im so scared i touched it. my brother is in shambles and i feel like i dont care but the guilt is so overwhelming. i would only pet her like once a year because of my ocd and it wasnt always like this. i remember kindergarten nap time, imagining her in my arms so i could fall asleep. my arm sleeve touched her body, and then when i was changing, my underwear slid down and my jacket touched my backside and i feel like an animal abuser necrophiliac. i dont have it in me to shower and even if i did i would feel bad because why do i want to get her off me so bad. i mean im sorry i dont mean that in a creepy way i mean like, idk i also washed my mouth and it doesnt feel clean but whatever. i didnt even bring a change of clothes. i hate ocd so much i hate it. im not even able to hug her after she died. i hate this. i hate it. i hate this evil disorder that turned me evil. i am rotten and i deserve everything bad that has ever happened to me. it should have been me. please dont let this happen to you. please take care of yourself and your pets. please show them you love them. the only goodbye i gave her was over facetime, where she could barely lift her frail little head when i said her name. i wish she had a few more hours. we could have gone to the lake. gotten a pup cup. but even then she was way way too exhausted for that. i’m so selfish. i’m sorry pepper. i love you. rest in peace my baby.