Sparking Romance with ROCD

Recently I was seeing a woman whom I was initially quite curious about and attracted to. She suggested we go on some walks, and over time I started noticing physical things about her that I felt quite repulsed by — for example, her hair was thin in certain places, she had a noticeable stomach pouch, and I found myself questioning whether I liked her body shape (yes I know this sounds terrible, I’m trying desperately to understand it!) At first I thought this simply meant I had lost attraction to her. But what confused me was how dramatically my feelings seemed to fluctuate. At the beginning of one day I could feel very attracted to her and quite fond of her, and then later that same day I could suddenly feel intensely repulsed by her. I also noticed a pattern around closeness. When she sought closeness or affection from me, I would sometimes feel repulsed and want distance. But when she seemed distant or less interested, I would become very anxious and start yearning for her again. I’m trying to understand whether this kind of push-pull experience can occur with ROCD. Has anyone else experienced strong fluctuations between attraction/affection and repulsion, particularly when a partner becomes closer or more emotionally available?

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I don't know if this will help at all and Im sorry for the length of the response, but when I first moved in with my now husband, I questioned my relationship with him a lot. We had dated off and on in our late teen-early 20s and by the time we moved in together, we had dated for 2.5ish years of us being back together, 4ish years of us dating total. The doubts didnt come in though until we started living together and things were getting more serious. I often questioned if I really loved him, if I really wanted to be with him, was I attracted to him more than others, did I make the right choice in being with him over being with someone else, the list goes on. I experienced fluctuation in my emotions and feelings for him. Some days I would feel a lot of love and others left me ruminating. I didn't have an OCD diagnosis then like I do now, but I stuck with him because the reason I originally picked him was still there. It was his personality and character. He was kind, truly cared about me, put my happiness first, and was so supportive of anything I wanted to do. There are plenty of other traits but I wont list them. I think at the end of the day I knew I didnt need someone who looked like a model, was rich, wildly successful etc. I needed someone who loved me and put my happiness first, someone with common interests, could make me laugh, have meaningful conversations, and wanted the same things in life. I could pick him apart or I could see him as a whole, and when I did that, I could appreciate him for who he is. My OCD tried to sabotage me but I stuck with him anyway. Eventually the doubts quieted down and we got married. We've been together a total of 12 years now and I'm really happy. Sometimes the doubts will creep in, but I know to not give it attention. My advice to you is that if you find something incompatible with your personalities, goals, or character, it would be reasonable to re-examine and potentially go your separate ways. But if you are compatible in those areas and you just sometimes find yourself with doubts or fluctuations in feelings or attraction, I would personally bring it up to your therapist and get their opinion and do your ERP. OCD is rough and so is dating, but you can do hard things. Good luck!

Big thinker

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Amazing, thank you so much. This is really amazing and I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your response. I won’t write a big paragraph, but I do find a lot of the time my doubts or fluctuations are physically related. I have feelings of disgust towards someone’s smell (it might not necessarily be a bad smell), a mark they have on their body, their skin etc and that too me elicits a visceral ‘ick’ which makes sex, closeness, intimacy very difficult and doubtful (particularly as a man and social expectations!). But great to hear you are doing well and that you found a way through! Thank you for sharing and your support

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