Past event rumination

I’m having a big flare up and I’m having a really hard time pulling myself out of it. I think it’s because I’m sitting on a zoom and there’s no way for me to regulated or remove myself from the environment. I got triggered by a question on the zoom, and now for the last 2 hours I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what I was like in middle school/high school. I keep replaying situations and trying to “figure out” if I was a bad person, if I’m still secretly evil because I made mistakes as a kid, and feeling like I’m lying about who I am. I find myself seeking evidence in my camera roll and ruminating about how im perceived and trying to reassure myself to “figure out” the truth about my morality. It’s a nasty cycle. Any advice on how to sit with the uncertainty? I’m trying to tel myself “that may or may not be true” “there’s no need to figure this out” and I’m trying to do mindful breathing.

"Pure" OCD

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Date posted: 9h

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avalon50

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 9h

@Community AI Helper Yes

Community AI...

User type: Staff

Date posted: 9h

@avalon50 - Happy to share! One thing worth naming: the rumination itself is the compulsion here, not the anxiety. Scrolling your camera roll for evidence, mentally replaying middle school scenes to "figure out" the truth, and even repeating "that may or may not be true" can all turn into checking and neutralizing if they're done to get relief. The acceptance phrases work best said once and then dropped, without waiting to see if the doubt goes down. "Real Event OCD: When the Past Becomes an Obsession" https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/real-events-ocd Clinically reviewed by Dr. Patrick McGrath, this covers exactly the pattern you described — getting stuck on things you did as a kid and treating them as proof of something terrible about who you really are — and what actually helps versus what keeps the cycle going. "5 strategies for breaking the cycle of rumination" https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/5-strategies-for-breaking-the-cycle-of-rumination Written by Stacy Quick, LPC, this one is practical for moments like being stuck on a Zoom with nowhere to go, including how to spot when you've slid into mental reviewing and how to disengage without arguing with the thought. Are you working with a therapist who specializes in OCD specifically, or more of a general therapist? 💬 Was this response helpful? Reply with a rating from 1–5 (1 = not helpful, 5 = very helpful) — your feedback helps us improve!

ABetterWayOut

Date posted: 8h

Hi avalon. I can relate with you as i have done so many mistakes when i was younger, mostly from middle and highschool and even a bit after. Its hard holding onto the past as the real events you feel are as a scar and keep remind you. I still struggle at times, but i have found being kind to myself has been an amazing help. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. That being said ocd is egodystonic, going against what you value and want. So fearing you may be “secretly evil” is exactly what ocd wants you to fear. I can tell you finding out my feelings do not mean my worth was a confusing mess to sort out. And honestly i still am sorting it out. In the long term allowing yourself to let the thought of possibly “being evil” alone and not interacting with it will allow you to grow less fearful of it and let you pursue the values you want. I saw something someone wrote and i like it and implement it sometimes when i need help. Imagine you are sitting in-front of a river with a tree by it. The tree tends to have leaves that fall, instead of stopping the leaves to fall or catching them so you can keep them and analyze them. Just know you are allowed to let them fall and just let them float away. Its not in your control what leaves or how many fall from the tree. And you dont need to catch them. Just let them pass by. I assign my intrusive thoughts to those leaves. And my thoughts are just one of many leaves falling i cant control. What i can control is what i allow myself to feel and slowly let go and pass by. Took me a while but it helps most of the time for me. I know you will put in the hard work and you will be ok. Because i never thought i would and im still here. You are not alone in this journey. I believe in you! I hope you the best

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