(ROCD) Processing and Dealing with Guilt?

I recently had an issue with a flirting scare- see my past posts for the full story.. I struggle a lot with worrying that I flirt with people, so when this happenened I freaked out. I ended up telling a lot of people: My mom, my friend, and even made several posts on the ROCD reddit and on here. Everyone told me it doesn't sound like flirting and that I did nothing wrong but I just can't seem to get it through my head. It's like I've fully convinced myself I've done something wrong and need to confess to my boyfriend. Everytime I talk to my boyfriend I feel extremely guilty, as if I'm hiding things from him, being secretive, and that I'm this horrible partner who hides their wrongdoings to continue the relationship without trouble- selfishly keeping a secret. I get especially worried because I did genuinely flirt with someone while drunk early on in the relationship so I'm scared that if this was flirting, and that if I told him, he'd be even more mad and possibly break up with me. So I feel like when people tell me to not confess and that I did nothing wrong, that they're just trying to protect me or something, and that the only reason I find peace in this reassurance is because I know that I don't need to worry about my boyfriend's reaction. I keep asking myself questions like, "what if my boyfriend would consider this flirting?" 'how would my boyfriend react?" "What if I resist confession and confess further down the line and end up making him even more mad because I didn't tell him?" Or just the fact that he told me that me asking to ride on the back of a mall cop's segway would make him upset because it's just kinda weird.. So I'm worried that this WOULD be considered flirting to him because he seemed to be weirded out by something else so small. I feel so guilty and have such an urgency to tell my boyfriend about the situation because I feel like if I didn't tell him then I'd be a bad partner, and that I'd spend our relationship feeling guilty for what I've done and he just wouldn't even know about it. I'm especially on edge because my boyfriend had been cheated on in the past by his exes and I get scared I'm gonna hurt him just like they did. I know I shouldn't confess though. Everyone has told me confessing will spark unnecessary drama and confusion and hurt, that I didn't even do anything wrong and have nothing to tell him. I just don't know how to cope with it. How do I get past this and get over the guilt? I keep wondering if maybe I should just bite the bullet this one time and confess, but I know that's a bad idea.

Relationship OCD

SainTz

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi!! First of all, I want to validate you! You are not alone. Now my two cents: 1. When talking about flirting, it’s important to know what are the “lines” you have drawn in your relationship to what is considered infidelity or not. Perhaps it’s texting with someone or just acting on it. That is very personal and unique to every relationship. 2. Many years ago I talked to my therapist about this because I had the same feeling. My therapist told me something that to this day I still carry: “in life you will have connection/chemistry with people. Perhaps you will have an interaction where you connect with that person and it’s flirty or something… but then you just move on. It’s completely normal to connect with people (who are not your partner), enjoy the lovely moment and then move on with your life.” Obviously, it’s different if you decide to cross the lines established in your relationship. But I wouldn’t worry about those interactions, because we are not born to only connect with one person. 3. Another thing to consider when deciding to tell your partner about something. Ask yourself: “would you have wanted to know if you were him?” I’m not saying to lie or hide stuff, but sometimes there are things that can be “trivial” and sharing them might create issues when they are not necessary. For example, you might have had a flirty chat with someone you will never see again… you decide to share it and it creates insecurity and distrust in your relationship when in fact you didn’t intend to talk to that person or will probably never see them again… hence, sometimes one needs to reflect if sharing something that doesn’t have any impact is beneficial or not. 4. Lastly, always remember our motto: “maybe, maybe not.” Was I flirting with another person? “Maybe; maybe not.” OCD is a feeling disorder and I doubt you will feel better after sharing because ocd will always find something new. So sometimes it’s better to just thinking “maybe: maybe not” and move on. But again, this is all strictly tied to the boundaries you have established in your relationship. I hope this helps! Please know this is not therapy advice or anything, just my experience and what I have learned. I recommend you talk about it in therapy and seek further support. Hang in there! There is always light at the end of the tunnel!

Roryrororo

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you so much! This is very helpful! I definitely get extra worried though because I feel like flirty conversation is a boundary crossed in me and my boyfriends relationship, so it's hard to ask myself "maybe, maybe not" when it comes to the situation.. I know I shouldn't seek reassurance but honestly I really just cannot tell if that was or not, but does my situation seem like flirting to you? I have more details about it in my other posts, it's just incredibly hard for me to distinguish between what is flirting vs not.. If I told my boyfriend about this I think he'd be more upset over the attention seeking behavior than anything, because if I confessed to him then he'd be confused over the fact that I feel as if I flirted with the mystery-gendered, mystery person in the black car in my peripheral. I just struggle with knowing if me wanting to come off as sexy or attractive or cool by slightly racing this car would technically be considered flirting, even if there was no intention of further interaction, communication, or sexual/romantic intent. I feel like because I drove this certain way then I am flirting because I technically acted upon it (?). I struggle to connect the dots and make sense of the way I feel about the situation.. Because while I had the instrusive thought of "oh my god was that flirting" AFTER the fact, I still in the moment wanted to feel attractive and cool. I feel as if it's different than just fixing my hair or wearing a nice outfit to feel good.. But I don't know. It's very confusing and I really feel the urge to communicate it all with my boyfriend even if it would create confusion and possibly more insecurity for him. He gets jealous easy too so I feel like he might actually view this as flirting which makes it worse.

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