Real event + confessing + drinking

I don't usually post on here so this might be kinda awkward 😭 I recently had a comeback of one of my worst themes which involves a real event, it was something I did when I was around 14 and a really s*xually charged child struggling with intrusive thoughts. This memory usually stays in the back of my mind but it's usually 'dormant' however, recently I was at a family event and a story from this time period was brought up which kind of triggered me? Being reminded that this era of my life really happened kind of grounds the thought and makes me panic again, I had to immediately isolate myself to deal with the guilt that overcame me, and started looking up similar stories which might be a compulsion- but it didn't do too much since mine feels so much worse than all the others 😭 Now, I have this really close best friend and I trust her to pieces, so much that I keep feeling the need to confess it even though I know I shouldn't and that it might make it worse, part of me wants to because I feel like I'm keeping secrets of my dark past from her, and the other doesn't want her to see me in an awful light. It's now exacerbated because we're celebrating her birthday together this Friday and there's gonna be some drinking involved- which is making me really scared that I'll confess these things to her while drinking, that I might never be able to drink with friends again out of fear that I'll confess, and that I'll eventually have to confess these things to somebody... I don't know how to deal with these feelings 😭 it's all been eating me up lately and I just want to enjoy the time with friends that I've been looking forward to for months now...

Real Events OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 3d

I relate to this so much, I cant even look at pictures of myself from THAT era of my life 😭 😭 and I also get triggered so easily so you're not alone. Also please be very very very careful with drinking, it might worsen how you feel if you drink too much and possibly get drunk, Friday is a perfect opportunity to set your mind off things temporarily, I know it might not delete the thoughts forever but hopefully you'll feel some relief, and again please be very very very careful with drinking

Nia18

Date posted: 3d

Omg same I can't even touch my old phone. It feels so dirty. I can't even look at myself

miswichu

Date posted: 3d

@Nia18 Same thing for me!! I can't look at pictures of that time / listen to songs, anything without getting nauseating guilt and anxiety as if I was thrown back into that moment instantly!! I've had to get rid of all my clothes from then too... It's unfortunate enough that it carries onto the age of 15, when I had my quinceañera pictures taken- which kinda immortalized that time period as an important stage of my life that everyone brings up!! 😭💔

Nia18

Date posted: 3d

@miswichu I feel you soooo bad omg ugh! Please tell me if you relate but, when I hear music fron that time or see my old clothes or old phone, my brain almost switches to my old mindset for a second. I feel dirty when that happens and I desperately want go to back, I usually switch after a bit

miswichu

Date posted: 3d

@Anonymous Thank you for the support and the nice wishes!! And yes, I'll be careful, I don't like drinking so much that I start losing control ever, so I'm a bit responsible in that sense, and I trust my friend a lot so I'm definitely in a safe space... I just know I've confessed to things before while drunk so it scares me, tho they were not things I carried with a lot of guilt / not ocd related- and they were things I wasn't uncomfortable with saying after I was sober, so maybe it wouldn't be the same... if anything, I will see how I feel by then and avoid drinking that night if I feel it might be too much... I just hope this won't bother me everytime I have some drinks with friends in the future 😭

miswichu

Date posted: 2d

@Nia18 Sorry I didn't reply to your comment, I was out! I don't know if I've had the specific experience of feeling like my mindset switches but it's definitely valid!! It is something that I feel like would happen to me, but perhaps I'd conceptualize it in a different way, the biggest anxiety inducer for me is that I did and watched a lot of disturbing stuff as a child that traumatized me which people often mention causes people to develop fantasies about those things!! It scares me because I feel like I might have enjoyed these things back then and the thoughts solidify the feeling that it was more than just a childhood thing and it's genuinely a thing that developed into a disturbing fantasy...

Anonymous

Date posted: 6h

@miswichu Hey, how did it go? Are you okay?

Nia18

Date posted: 3d

You are different. You are not your young self. You are growing

miswichu

Date posted: 3d

@Nia18 Thank you for the support!! It often feels like I was already too old to be doing something like that so it's nice to hear this 😞 I keep counting down how many years pass since then so I can feel at safe distance from that event 😭💔

Nia18

Date posted: 3d

@miswichu I found a channel that might help, for ocd https://youtu.be/jd4_sbIFt7k?si=ChH6mC_yEtYIJF6V I feel so much less alone

miswichu

Date posted: 2d

@Nia18 Oh I love Chrissie!! I've watched a lot of her videos before as self help, she's amazing!! I've probably watched this video before, but I'll definitely be watching it again since it's really something that I always go back to no matter how many times I help myself get over it!!

Nia18

Date posted: 2d

@miswichu Yes, ocd is such a bad cycle

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