Please I’m begging can someone reply😭

@lemonmuffin I’m waiting for therapy I have been for months😭

@lemonmuffin Am waiting for a call about a medication review, idk what to do anymore 😭

@lemonmuffin I have no idea, I guess because it was an attempt to show myself that it would make it go away as it has made it go away before so it was a compulsion as an attempt to make the morning glory go away, n it has triggered me so bad n I wish I didn’t do it😔ocd makes me do stupid shit that I regret 😔 I’m never doing it again cos it’s made me feel so horrible ever since😔

@lemonmuffin Thanks😔 it’s just difficult cos all this pocd shit makes me feel like a monster and I love my daughter so much so it’s just really beating me down and making me feel like I don’t deserve her😔

@lemonmuffin How come you deleted your comments?? :(

@Fcukocd Because you deleted yours so it will look like I’m talking to myself here

@lemonmuffin I didn’t delete mine they’re still here :(

@Fcukocd Then it’s an app bug I’m sorry 😖

@lemonmuffin It’s okay😔

@Fcukocd Why? You didn’t say anything wrong?

@lemonmuffin I don’t know some people here aren’t very accepting or understanding of POCD, someone once asked me “why did you have a daughter if this is an issue for you” and ever since then i kinda overthink

@lemonmuffin Thanks for what u said about from an objective perspective that this is telling that I’m a great parent, I really appreciate it :(

@Fcukocd You are though

@Fcukocd But don’t pressure yourself thinking about it if you have “morning glories” let it be and it will pass

@lemonmuffin Thank you :(

@Fcukocd Did you have POCD when you got your daughter or you developed it afterwards?

@lemonmuffin I’ll try, it’s gonna be a thing that scares me now, like if I wake up with morning glory I’ll be scared of thinking about or getting intrusive thoughts about my daughter while it’s there, I hate ocd so much 😔

@lemonmuffin I developed it afterwards, about 2/3 weeks after she was born, I’ve had bouts with it in the past maybe 2/3 years ago but it came back after my baby was born :(

@Fcukocd Don’t need to think about her while you have it

@lemonmuffin Yeah, I’m just not gonna do that compulsion anymore :(

@lemonmuffin I was always so scared to have a baby because of OCD and I was scared when I found out about the surprise pregnancy cos I was worried it would come back and then it did 😔

@Fcukocd May I ask how old are you? Everyone who has OCD has some fears you’re not the only one don’t worry.

@lemonmuffin I’m 23 :(

@Fcukocd Bro you’re so young you’re literally gonna get better ❤️‍🩹 I promise

@lemonmuffin Thanks I really hope so cos this is torture, every single day is worse than the last, I see my daughter and ocd will ruin it for me, most nights I wake up soaked in sweat and feeling so anxious I could scream, most days I cry my eyes out, it’s just too much I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, sometimes the anxiety gets so bad I feel like I’m gonna pass out and in the past I actually have😔

@Fcukocd I do feel too sometimes that this condition has no escape but when I see so many conquerors here there is hope

@lemonmuffin I hope I can become one one day, cos right now it’s beating me😔

@lemonmuffin That must be a pain not being able to be on medication, my ocd tends to juggle between harm ocd soocd and pocd :(

@Fcukocd I heard that therapists here on NOCD are perfect, did you have sessions with them?

@lemonmuffin I haven’t I can’t afford it unfortunately:(

@Fcukocd Instead of using ( emoji, try to use :) because you do have hope

@lemonmuffin I’ll try it’s just hard to because I couldn’t be further from being able to smile rn

@Fcukocd Well you did share in previous posts that you were gonna see her yesterday, how did that go if i may ask?

@lemonmuffin It went well, I was really anxious and was struggling with groinal hyper awareness and tension but it was good to see her she was really happy n smiling a lot, I missed her a lot so I had cuddles with her and told her I loved her

@Fcukocd Bro OCD really is shit especially when you read this last part of the sentence you wrote, so cute

@lemonmuffin Yeah, it just ruins it all :(

@lemonmuffin Someone replied to my comment here and then deleted it before I saw it and it’s making me ruminate n think they said something bad about me😔

@Fcukocd Go for a walk, fresh air will help you, hang out with someone so you’re not alone with your thoughts, talk to us when you need to but don’t be on this app all the time, i don’t know its just a lot (i don’t mean that you’re a lot its just a lot of info at once especially when you’re struggling with your own thoughts)

@Fcukocd Even if they did why would you care you don’t even know them nor worth spending your energy on it

@lemonmuffin Yeah I’ll try go for a walk, I don’t have anyone to hang out with though :( n yeah I’ll try not to spend so much time on the app

@lemonmuffin I just don’t want anyone to think as badly of me as I think of myself😔

@Fcukocd Was it this comment where i asked you how was it with your daughter?

@lemonmuffin I’m not sure it was gone before I could see it :(

@Fcukocd A lot of people struggle with thoughts that their comment will be ignored or if they wrote something wrong, so don’t think the worst in the 1st place

@lemonmuffin I’ll try😔

@lemonmuffin Today is such a bad day all I wanna do is cry😔😭

@Fcukocd Then do it get it out of your system, thats what every Doctor would tell you

@lemonmuffin Okay😭it’s just so difficult to deal with because the groinal responses only really happen with my own daughter and not other people’s children, and that just makes me ruminate more😭

@Fcukocd Its because thats the biggest trigger and the most special person to you not because you want it

@Fcukocd You know that OCD sticks to stuff we respect and love the most?

@lemonmuffin I’ll try my best to remember that, I just feel like a monster, I love my baby so much I’ve never felt love like it and I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I’m so anxious whenever I try to innocently think of her because of the groinal responses, it’s the most horrible pain I’ve ever had to go through 😔 I’d rather cut it off than feel this but I can’t😔

@lemonmuffin Yeah it’s just hard to remember😔

@Fcukocd Im studying medicine and i don’t even understand OCD but i do understand that it brings the biggest guilt and anxiety and people with it are really brave for fighting it

@lemonmuffin Thanks😔 I just wish this ocd would stop all I want is for it to stop😔 I want to be happy to be a father not scared😔😭

@Fcukocd You will be eventually as i said you’re really young im a bit younger than you and it just matters that you have a goal and a wish and you’ll be alright eventually

@lemonmuffin I hope so😔

@Fcukocd Good and be positive don’t let it drain you do something fun go for fresh air 10 mins of fresh air instead of phone is gonna make you feel better

@lemonmuffin I’ll try play a game :(

@Fcukocd Good !!! 🥳

@lemonmuffin Hate it tho tbh cos when I play games the groinal response gets worse at times :(

@lemonmuffin The person replied to the post and thankfully they didn’t say anything bad, I feel a little better for that I guess, still anxious because of what I posted about though :(

@Fcukocd Your “groinal response” as i can medically describe it is just a sensation of anxiety that someone can feel in their chest, their stomach, their head, but since you have POCD you have it there. It doesn’t make you weird its just a human nervous system how it works

@Fcukocd When you play games the adrenaline gets you and then nervous system works there instead of maybe in your stomach, that doesn’t mean you’re weird

@lemonmuffin Thanks :( I hate having groinal response I really do, I just had it to a smell that reminded me of my daughter it happens so easily😔

@Fcukocd Because of a trigger aka anxiety

@lemonmuffin Yeah 😔

@Fcukocd Are you european? Im asking Because you said you can’t afford the therapy on here which i understand because i can’t either since one session is a whole fortune

@lemonmuffin I am, I’m from the UK

@Fcukocd Ah okay

@lemonmuffin Yeah, why do u ask if u don’t mind me asking

@Fcukocd Because im european

@lemonmuffin Oh I see

@Fcukocd Well you got tones of responses on this post hope you’ll remember some of the advices, if you wanna talk just write but don’t ask for reasurance since thats not how OCD is getting treated 💪🏻

@lemonmuffin Yeah, thanks for helping me today, today has been one of the worst days I’ve ever had with POCD, I just can’t wait for it to end and go to sleep, just hope I don’t wake up feeling as bad tomorrow as I did today

@Fcukocd Then go sleep

@lemonmuffin I will in. A few hours, it’s only 4pm and I don’t want to wake up alone in the middle of the night

@Fcukocd If you have reddit you can write me there sometime instead of filing your comments i can give you my username

@lemonmuffin I was banned from Reddit unfortunately a few years back for an argument I had with a subreddit mod over someone that was just being plain horrible to anyone and everyone, but I could try and make a new account and hope it doesn’t get banned again

@Fcukocd Aaa ok, my username is i think Sidney228

@lemonmuffin Okay I’ll try make a new account soon and I’ll follow you, I’ll just use the same username I have here, might not be able to keep it though cos Reddit unfortunately is very unmoderated and has a lot of triggering stuff for my SOOCD

@Fcukocd Aaa okay, im just not comfy sharing here personal info tho

@Fcukocd But its triggering for me as well just the stupid posts make my head spin

@lemonmuffin Yeah that’s understandable, I wouldn’t be either

@lemonmuffin No it’s no problem at all don’t worry, appreciate anyone’s help regardless of gender

@Fcukocd Sameee

@Fcukocd Just write here tho when you make a new one since i don’t have the app on my phone directly so can’t see the noti

@lemonmuffin Okay I will, thank you, if my account gets banned again I’ll just make a post here that we can talk on

@Fcukocd Okay, it would be nice to talk and free our souls a bit from this

@lemonmuffin Yeah, I think I’ll sleep on it and try make an account in the morning

@Fcukocd Okay thank you

@lemonmuffin No problem

@lemonmuffin Hi again I had several groinal responses last night when I was innocently trying to admire and think about my daughter laughing and it felt like a single pulse more than once and it’s rly bothering me😔😔

@Fcukocd Thats anxiety, i feel it in my chest as every person feels it somewhere else its not that you were “aroused” or something its just as i said human nervous system

@lemonmuffin Yeah it’s just making me ruminate so much because I’ve had that with real arousal before and ocd is making me connect the 2😔

@Fcukocd Well think objectively i would recommend you in the best way possible.

@lemonmuffin Yeah, I’m trying to but now I’m crying😔

@Fcukocd Thats good, its just that your mind have to free itself a bit its not a shame

@Fcukocd Can i ask you whats your name?

@lemonmuffin It’s Tyler why do u ask

@Fcukocd So i know who im talking to?

@lemonmuffin Okay sorry just get paranoid

@lemonmuffin Nice to meet you too

@Fcukocd I made gingerbread house, saying this to make you calm down a bit 💪🏻 its actually super cute

@lemonmuffin Sounds good, I’ve never made a gingerbread house myself tbh

@Fcukocd Yeah but i made a mess 😂😂 since i had to melt the Sugar

@lemonmuffin I bet lol, love gingerbread

@Fcukocd Do you?? Baking actually makes me forget on OCD for a sec, but im a girly so 😂

@lemonmuffin Yeah I’ve always been a fan

@Fcukocd How are you feeling? You better today?

@lemonmuffin Kind of, I was on the phone to my baby mum earlier and kept getting groinal tension and I went to the toilet for number 2 and it felt so similar to arousal when i started straining, sorry if that’s TMI :(

@Fcukocd Well are yall together or? I mean do you feel anxious in any way around that woman since you get those responses? Its not too much info tbh its all medicine lol

@lemonmuffin We aren’t together unfortunately, I just get the hyperawarenesswhich causes that quite often when I’m on the phone to her and hear our baby :(

@Fcukocd Well hyperawarness is something like when you make yourself not think and not feel all those stuff you don’t want brain is actually sending all that to you as you’re trying to avoid it

@lemonmuffin Yeah, hyper awareness is what causes it most of the time :(

@Fcukocd I don’t know in which state are you with her but your best ERP would be to see your baby more often if possible

@lemonmuffin Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too, no matter how scared I might be I still need to

@Fcukocd How old is she? I mean don’t let her notice that you’re scared to be around her

@lemonmuffin She’s only 10 weeks old :(

@Fcukocd Aw thats small, cherish those moments as much as you can

@lemonmuffin I will :(

@Fcukocd Well you’re too young as well so, do you Talk with your parents about this?

@lemonmuffin Yeah I speak with them about it a lot. My mum said she experienced similar sensation out of pride for her kids

@Fcukocd Ocd can also be genetic

@lemonmuffin My dad has had bouts of it before but no where near as bad as mine

@Fcukocd True my mom is also giving OCD vibes mostly perfectionism OCD or health OCD but nowhere near this

@lemonmuffin Yeah, my dads ocd is just intrusive thoughts of harm but not the groinal responses or any of the anxiety

@Fcukocd This will be straightforward question but did you want to have a child at this early age?

@lemonmuffin I didn’t, it was a surprise pregnancy

@Fcukocd Oh

@lemonmuffin Yeah, not to say I never wanted kids, it was just unexpected, is me saying that a bad thing ?

@Fcukocd Well im not gonna brainwash you but you know what to do for the safety, also its not why would it be?

@lemonmuffin Wdym by the first part? (Edit) oh I see now, contraception N idk I just worry that everything I say is bad

@Fcukocd I meant for sexual safety, like you knew what to do to protect yourself, no? Its not bad bro its your first time living too don’t worry

@lemonmuffin Yeah I know, it’s just at the time we were convinced that she couldn’t get pregnant because of endometriosis

@Fcukocd Well still, but she’s also probably very young so it could’ve been a huge chance she still might’ve get pregnant

@lemonmuffin Yeah, we just didn’t use contraception because of that, but it’s not to say we don’t want our child, we both love her more than anything

@Fcukocd Of course don’t worry its visible through your all posts, just spend more time with her, i think you developed that because you can’t be around her all the time and thats eating you

@Fcukocd I do see that you replied i can’t see what tho

@lemonmuffin I’ll try to comment it again

@lemonmuffin Can you see it now?

@lemonmuffin Can’t say what the joke was though cos the fact I even said it still mortifies me and makes me feel like a monster

@Fcukocd Nooo, but its something about the joke about your baby? Like you’re her father its not bad to joke what

@Fcukocd So what if you said it if it was THAT bad at least you recognize it and won’t let it happen again but i think you made it huge in your head

@lemonmuffin

@lemonmuffin It was a really weird and inappropriate joke that’s why I feel so bad about it :(

@Fcukocd Did her mom find it weird?

@lemonmuffin At the time she giggled at it, but now she says it was weird as well, n her family think I’m a P because of it and that genuinely breaks me

@lemonmuffin One of my friends that I told about it also blocked me and said I was weird for it, also did you see the screenshot of the comment? :(

@Fcukocd Bro what? Was the joke about her or the baby? Ye i did see it

@lemonmuffin It was about our baby :( I still feel like a monster because of it and hate myself for it but I meant nothing by it it was just a stupid joke :( if you go back a little while ago in my posts you should be able to find a post about it

@Fcukocd The post is from 8 weeks ago and it’s titled “please help me I don’t know what to do”

@lemonmuffin But yeah that joke was the main thing that triggered this OCD :(

@Fcukocd From girl’s side i don’t really find it weird considering your age but yeah you shouldve thought first before spitting it out if you want an objective answer

@lemonmuffin Yeah I just didn’t think before I spoke because I was nervous and I realised instantly after I made the joke that it wasn’t appropriate because it made me think of her mum which caused a reaction down there and instantly I said “I feel like a fucking weirdo now” and now I have to accept the consequences which is this ocd and a lot of people thinking badly of me :(

@Fcukocd It can be understood very wrong tho but its kinda funny like not funny dying laughing But for a small laugh sure

@lemonmuffin Yeah I guess so, I edited my other comment because I missed a part of what happened so let me know when u read it :(

@Fcukocd Well how does she look at you now? Probably normally so

@Fcukocd I diiid

@lemonmuffin Yeah she’s more or less forgotten about it but I haven’t and her family haven’t because they think I’m a p😔 there’s nothing I want more than to prove them wrong but I’m not being given the chance😔

@lemonmuffin Think I might have to stop talking about it cos it’s really triggering😔

@Fcukocd Okay, then sit with them and talk with them be serious and say it was a joke im stupid about it and go on its not THAT not funny

@Fcukocd Okay

@lemonmuffin I wish I could but my baby mum unfortunately won’t let me :(

@Fcukocd Im probably too young to not find it kinda funny but people are making elephants out of flies for nothing

@lemonmuffin My baby mums mum also told her not to put me on the birth certificate because of it and she listened so by law I’m not even her dad 😔

@lemonmuffin And I’m not allowed to be on it until I’ve gotten my ocd sorted out which could be years from now 😔

@Fcukocd Well tell your parents to talk with that people what

@lemonmuffin I don’t think my baby mum will allow it I just have to accept it 😔

@Fcukocd You’re a child yourself so tbh its not that huge of a deal, one day you’ll be all good and you’ll be by law her dad aswell, you’re a better father than you can imagine

@lemonmuffin Thank you for saying that I really appreciate it :( I’m trying my best just OCD is making me feel like nothing I can do will ever be good enough because of the groinal response and intrusive thoughts and the joke I made :(

@Fcukocd Travel, go out, study, have fun don’t think about that one thing all the time, and i know its easy to say since its even hard for me to accept to ignore OCD, but show the world that one joke isn’t gonna make your whole personality

@Fcukocd Even if you had a child that isn’t the reason for you to not enjoy fun

@lemonmuffin Yeah, I just need to try my best to live life and not avoid it

@Fcukocd Just write here or tag me on some post when you wanna talk

@Fcukocd I can tell you that i traveled a lot in my 21 yrs 20+ countries and now OCD is trying to destroy that as well, but im going to one of my dream destinations soon 😍

@lemonmuffin I will, thank you, n sounds good, where is ur dream destination?

@lemonmuffin Japan sounds good

@Fcukocd It really does 😍😍i was in the UK aswell

@lemonmuffin Nice, sounds like u love travelling

@Fcukocd I do, you?

@lemonmuffin I don’t unfortunately; I can’t afford it

@Fcukocd Do you pay alimentation or what is it called?

@lemonmuffin I’m not sure i don’t think I’ve heard of that, do u mean child support ?

@lemonmuffin If so I send as much money as I can when I get paid

@Fcukocd Yes 😂

@lemonmuffin Yeah I do, I got a travel cot and a cot and i try to send money as well, don’t always have enough but I always try