“The bad thing”

I feel as though I have struggled with hypersexuality and p*rn addiction for years or my life due to maladaptive coping with anxiety and childhood s*xual trauma that I haven’t necessarily worked through. Every time I “relapse” per se, when I’m extremely anxious and I suppose need a little dopamine and oxytocin boost - some serotonergic action in my brain, I will engage with rather s*xual or er*tic material and I always describe it as “the bad thing” because I feel I will be punished by God for turning back to this sinful behavior. I recognize it’s bad and I feel I am punished every time. Like every time it happens, something goes wrong, in my body, in my life, like my luck turns rotten and my health to shit and I can’t stop but think… is it really irrational hyper religious thinking or are these genuinely “coincidental” occurrences actually a sign from God? Like am I being told to stop? It’s from the universe to protect me and guide me back to the right path and I need to be punished as a reminder? I am scared because I am God fearing and I don’t want to burn in hell for my sins not continue to sin but I feel it’s hard to control sometimes and I’m tired of being punished. Anyone else have a similar experience?

Religion & Spirituality OCD

ocdbye

Date posted: Yesterday

I do something similar.

redline

Date posted: 23h

I’m sorry you are going through this. I can 100% relate and am also a God fearing person. This is connected to OCD for sure, and the physical symptoms and things going wrong in life are not from God but they are just a result of the stress you’re under, believe me. I’ve learned that God does not cause our suffering or make us have problems. I have noticed I feel horrible physically and emotionally when I give in to things like this and that my work and social performance goes way down because I’m so stressed and feel so guilty. This is something you can mention to a therapist or psychiatrist. I got on a med that helps and helps me sleep better at night so I feel less wired and less likely to give in. I hope that helps. Just keep doing your best to resist and remember God is not punishing you, but He is happy every time you resist and every time you are happy because you’re trying your best!

DeeDoo

Date posted: 13h

@redline Thank you, it’s just hard feeling like everything is going wrong because I am deserving of it because I have committed a wrong to sort of set off that chain effect. If you don’t mind me asking, what medication have you tried that had helped with urges?

redline

Date posted: 13h

@DeeDoo Hope you’re having a better day! There’s no one medication that suppresses urges that works for everyone, but I take something for sleep (Seroquel) that helps me be super tired at night and hence I don’t often give in. Some meds I’ve taken seem to have made giving in be easier and feel less bad and I’ve had less guilt afterwards which I didn’t like. I want to be in touch with my values. Being able to sleep consistently every night has been the biggest help!

DeeDoo

Date posted: 13h

@redline Hmm. Thank you for letting me know. I’ll have to research this in more depth. I think I really benefit from anything that makes me feel “numb to the feeling” and suppresses that hypersexuality, Lexapro seems to be the only thing helping but I’m really bad with medication because I have an irrational fear of losing control and “doing too much”, like developing a codependency or add*ct**n. Do you only get urges at night? It’s usually “easier” to manage at night simply because well you’re often alone but not always… considering those feelings can also help you sleep… that release… not good… it’s worse when it disrupts everyday life and is midday or something… it helps you sleep but does it help in the day at all? Sorry so many questions

redline

Date posted: 13h

@DeeDoo You’re good! I don’t often have issues during the day anymore. It was rare even before. But I’m also busy during the day. I find I think clearer during the day and if I get an urge I can resist because I know it will only make me feel worse.

DeeDoo

Date posted: 10h

@redline Yeah, it’s always a bad feeling but that’s true, the busier you are the less time you have to think of anything else. I try to keep busy for that reason.

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

Intentional intrusive thoughts during pleasure and masterbation

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

isabellamper...

Date posted: 23w

Ruminating about past porn usage

When I was single, I watched a lot of porn, specifically lesbian porn even though I’m straight. When I got into my current relationship I dwindled down and eventually stopped watching porn of any kind, around six or so months ago. I had a flare up recently that has caused me to question every part of myself including my sexuality and my identity, my relationship, and other things that are important and valued to me, and porn keeps popping up in all of these things. I feel like my porn usage was me cheating on my boyfriend, especially in the early parts of our relationship. I broke down to him last month about it and he said it was okay, that he forgives me, but I’m still hung up on it because I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve wronged him and that I’m a terrible person and that I need to leave him because of this. This is so excruciatingly painful. I don’t want to keep confessing over and over and over again, but I don’t want to be a dirty lying cheater, which I feel like I am.

cmax20

Date posted: 22w

Sex and religion

Every single time me and my boyfriend do anything sexual, I feel really really guilty about it after. We’ve never had sex before but have done other things and I don’t feel guilty about it in the moment, but afterwards I feel guilty. I don’t necessarily regret doing it but I just feel horrible as a human. He does not push himself on me in anyway and I know it’s all a me thing. He is very cautious in making sure I’m comfortable and feel okay, but I don’t start feeling guilty until afterwards. I feel like this always relates back to my faith, which has recently fallen off. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I always get told the benefits of waiting for marriage. And honestly I do understand that, but I don’t know that I want to wait. I feel like people keep shoving “waiting for marriage” down my throat and it draws me so much further from Christianity and makes things so much harder to feel close to God again. I just feel so lonely in feeling these things and scared I’m going to hell if I keep doing stuff with my boyfriend, but I genuinely don’t know what I believe in anymore and it’s draining me that my values are changing. I know it’s probably healthy and natural for values to change as you grow up, but I feel like there’s a stereotype of Christianity I have to adhere to and it makes me so anxious and scared I’m going to hell if I don’t get everything perfect. My relationship with Christ isn’t something that I involve others in because of how personal it is to me. But I just feel shamed upon by every other Christian and it makes me scared for myself and sad for the way society is making it such a black and white view of this religion.

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