afraid i SA a man when i was a kid

maybe, but there are certain things that i cannot tolerate, and those things do define me unfortunately.

@ivefailed. Ok you are saying like my past actions define me. No they do not. Like for example, I got mad once and hit my cat. I felt bad but that is the past and I love my cat. So with ocd you have live in the present and focus on your values.

@@sophiaevidal i'm afraid i cannot live like that. it's an eternal struggle for me. I just know it wasn't okay and I believe I molested a man and regardless of the past defining me nothing changes what happened.

@ivefailed. But you were a kid, kids do not get the difference between wrong and right sometimes because they are still learning.

@ivefailed. You did something you regret. Who hasn’t? You feel like this defines you. What if it doesn’t? What if this isn’t as black and white as you thing, and instead it’s more in the gray area? You can try to convince yourself you did something horrible, but I’m not believing it. Do you find yourself replaying this over and over, to try to find some kind of absolute, 100% certain answer?

@MichelleV for the last part, i would do that always to other kind of ocd triggering episodes that are more recent, but this is too old to have any nuance, i was like 7 years old. this happened and that's it. i've resigned myself. even the fact that it is a grey area destroys me.

@@sophiaevidal @@sophiaevidal i know thanks for saying that, but the thing for me is that nothing changes what happened, i still did that and it kills me, at this point i'm just seeking reassurance. i don't think anything can make me return to feel normal other then forgetting it with time which is not resolution, or it never having happened.

@ivefailed. Does it feel easier to resign yourself and say you assaulted someone, than to believe your brain is possibly tricking you and that what’s happening is possibly a treatable form of OCD?

@ivefailed. I understand. I have done sexual things as a kid that I feel bad about but I was a kid so I have said that is the past and I did not know better back then. I know it hard you are not alone.

@MichelleV for me there are things where the line should not be crossed, and the fact that i already did multiple times as a kid destroys me. i didn't have that intention, im not even gay, but my actions despite intention not being there still took place. The man probably doesn't even remember and it didn't affect him as i was just a dumb kid to his eyes (even tho who i am to assume that?)... I do believe and I can see after your comment how OCD is taking part and magnifying an event, i know normal people would just maybe laugh it off, i know that if i told my friends they would say that i'm exaggerating it. it's just a variety and baggage of emotions, regret and failure as human that makes it hard for me to just keep living as if there was no past, no guilt.

@ivefailed. (Ireally hope my comment will not be somehow offensive or triggering ro anybody, please tell me if it is! 🙏🏻) It shows that you have a caring and considerate heart, and also morals, that this is something that is "not okay" to you 🙏🏻 However I agree with the people here: lets just say, even if it wasn't okay (I understand you probably don't want to think 'this is okay' 🙏🏻 At least, that's what I always feel; the fear of 'accepting' things I morally disagree with) Even if it wasn't; you still did not mean harm But also, since OCD will not go away with assurance; 'worst case' scenario (please don't take me too seriously!!) would be that you 'actually did mean it to be wrong' (which I don't believe!) but even then , you think differently now (! Please understand I am saying this last thing not because I actually believe that you ever meant any harm ❤ but because I've sometimes experienced that it helped me to think "Okay, worst case scenario; I actually am a terrible person and wanted to (harm someone/do something bad); I regret it now and want to change" And thinking that would often help me wirh the anxiety and the spiralling thoughts, and make me realize that it was not true after all ❤)

@ivefailed. I understand the gulit. I still feel it sometimes. But you were a kid and you did not know that was wrong at the time.

@ivefailed. I think this is where you should really practice some self compassion too. Holding on to guilt, or shaming/criticizing yourself, doesn’t erase what happened. Doing so doesn’t change your past, or even make you feel better. You did something you thought was funny, you didn’t do it maliciously. You are not the only person in the world who has a regret. You can’t bully yourself into a version you’ll love better. When you were a kid, did you know what assault means? Did you fully know what constitutes as sexual or non-sexual touch? I’m going to assume no, because you were a child with a still developing brain. So maybe you deserve some grace here. Maybe you can slowly look at this from a perspective other than what you’re in now.

@MichelleV thanks everyone @JesusIsLord7 @sophiaevidal @MichelleV, I really needed to read your comments, it could be that in the future i'm going to ask "reassurance" and self loathe again abt this, maybe even tomorrow, but it won't be because your answers weren't enough. I deeply appreciate your replies, it helped me calm down.

@ivefailed. Maybe instead read our comments again if you do. But not too much of course.

@ivefailed. Thank you for your post and your honesty, please never hesitate to reach out on this app,that's why it is there! As for you saying you may seek reassurance, it is very common and absolutely understandable 🙏🏻🙏🏻 OCD is not easy and not a 'walk in the park' 🙏🏻.. I am sorry you are going through this 😞 But reaching out on here was a brave thing to do!

@ivefailed. I’m glad ❤️ I’m proud of you for sharing what’s on your mind, it isn’t easy. Self-loafing used to be my friend, and I know it’s a hard habit to break, especially if you feel like you deserve it or if being kind to yourself feels too hard. But it just holds you back from healing. If you don’t get responses on your posts in the future, it doesn’t mean this community doesn’t care. The community just tries to avoid giving reassurance because we all know how it backfires. But I wish you all the best going forward, I believe in you

@ivefailed. Just imagine if a kid had done what you did to you, you would understand right, kids act on compulsions from humor or anything that comes to mind it’s okay you didn’t know the depth of something like that kids aren’t expected to. Give yourself some grace

@ivefailed. You are welcome. Remember you are not alone. You are supported by this community and we all are. 💛❤️‍🩹