i’m struggling. so i’m a nanny and i had an intrusive thought to like do something bad to him so i was very upset crying saying i don’t want to do it but as i was changing him i got closer to it to see if i would actually do it and i got grossed out. now im feel extremely guilty i even got closer.
That sounds like a compulsion!! Definitely ocd!
@🎀🧸🩷🤍 i’m feeling guilty that i even like got closer tho
@123kate123 I highly suggest nocd therapy I'm no therapist but that still sounds like ocd really trying to get into your head
@123kate123 I think the fact your so tormented by this just shows you how much you don’t like them and don’t want to act on them, ocd makes you doubt what you value/morals, this does sound a compulsion though where you feel the need to keep checking/testing to see if you ‘like/want’ these thoughts.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) but i like got closer and like almost did it but then got grossed out
@🎀🧸🩷🤍 i have an appointment on the 29th but i also do in person therapy and i don’t think insurance will cover both
@123kate123 I completely understand why you would feel so disgusted and so panicky, but this is your ocd if you truly did want it you wouldn’t be feeling this way, are you doing ERP therapy?
@Anonymous;):(:|:) i’m just trying to understand why i got closer. not yet but i have an appointment on nocd the 29th .
@Anonymous;):(:|:) its ruining my whole life and it’s making me want to shut it off :(
@123kate123 Firstly trying to figure out why you got closer is a mental compulsion called ruminating but honestly the more you try to understand or work it out the more doubtful you’ll become, you probably got closer because ocd will make it feel as real as it can get and will make it feel like this is something you really do want even though you know it’s not that’s where and why ocd keeps testing you with this thought because it gets sticky.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) it’s ruining my life.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) @123kate123 so it made me believe i wanted to do it so i tried to like give in but my real thoughts came out like ew no???
@123kate123 Yes that’s exactly it, ocd preys on any thought/image you really don’t want and continually replays it because it knows it’s bothering you, and the real you was definitely you saying “ew no” because you don’t want it but ocd literally attaches itself to things that go against who we truly are.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) so even though i tried to do it like to “give it” i never would have actually done it?
@123kate123 Of course not, I’m not saying that to reassure your ocd but if it’s not what you want like you know to be true then no, I have intrusive thoughts like “what if I touched someone inappropriately?” And then followed I get really intrusive thought that almost feels like a demand which says “do it!” Even though I’m feeling/thinking the total opposite, but then it does almost feel like you’re fighting yourself and this urge not to do something you really don’t want to do. I do understand you completely and have been in your shoes I personally am currently suffering with sexual ocd so my ocd bounces from one sexually intrusive thought/image to the next that make me extremely uncomfortable and are something I would never think about doing, but with ERP therapy it teaches you to sit with the discomfort and accept the thoughts and not the content of the thoughts it doesn’t mean you like the thoughts it means your re-training your brain to handle uncertainty/discomfort and being able to still do what you want and have the life you want and not stuck in this feared hypothetical reality, if that makes sense. Your ocd isn’t real it’s in your imagination, but your reaction to it is the problem as your giving unnecessary meaning to irrelevant thoughts.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) but i like started to “act on the thought” by going closer..??? but i didn’t go though with it
@123kate123 I’ve had that it’s still ocd. But again with that same thought of ew no is what I get because I know I don’t like it/don’t want it.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) like you started to act on a thought to like give into it then the real you ew no comes out? i’m sorry i also have such bad anxiety
Don’t worry I have bad anxiety too aside from the ocd, yes what you are experiencing is an urge a thought/image becomes an urge and you’re literally resisting the urge to do something you really don’t want to, I’ve experienced this with many types of intrusive images/thoughts, the problem is you’re so aware of your thoughts that you’re unable to dismiss that urge even if you know you don’t like.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) so you have started to like act on a thought like oh what if i kissed this kid and like leaned in a little then you realized it was ew?????
I haven’t started to ‘act’ on a thought and from what you’re saying isn’t what you think you’re doing, you think that having a thought is the same as acting on it, if you leaned in to ‘kiss’ this kid that’s not what is happening your ocd isn’t acting on a thought it’s a fear of it, what happens is you become aware of what you’re doing or hyper aware of bodily sensations ocd actually has a funny way of making everything you do seem ‘wrong’ for example maybe you weren’t leaning in to kiss this kid maybe you were just leaning to get something in that direction or interact with the kid, its the same with harm ocd, if I had the thought what if I want to use the knife to cut of my finger? whilst I’m slicing bread and extremely aware of that thought and the fact I’m holding a knife and now resisting the urge to harm myself and I’m afraid I’m going to act on that thought but I know I want to slice the bread not my finger yet ocd is telling me to do it, does it mean I am going to? No. I understand this is really distressing, but thoughts are not actions, your in control of what you do not what your brain is telling you to do no matter how loud and demanding the ocd, if that makes sense, your imagination is blowing something really out of proportion as it always does with ocd.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) i leaned in to like check if i would actually do it so i did lean in on purpose like i was like let’s see if i’ll actually do this and like leaned in then thought gross ew
@123kate123 Checking is a compulsion, even if it was on purpose you’re still doing a compulsion, you’re not checking to see if you ‘liked’ it your checking to see if it aligns with who you are which by your response it wasn’t.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) but it almost seemed like i was like okay i guess this is who i am lets just do it
That’s exactly how ocd is, it almost feels like there’s two versions of you, ones the real you and the other is the one working against you and many times you go what if this really is me? What if I’m lying? What if I’m in denial? This is how OCD works and many times you fall into believing the one that’s working against you rather than who you truly are.
@Anonymous;):(:|:) my brain keeps repeating but you almost did it
Struggling. My mind/OCD told me I had already abused my child by breathing when they were laying across me and that I might as well do something else to hurt them. I had to think for a second, but the only thing that came to mind was to move my elbow towards their groin area to cause a "feeling". Well I did just that, and I ended up grazing their groinal area and it caused a disgusting unwanted feeling. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to throw up and panicked. I also asked my child to move off of me immediately. It went against my morals, beliefs, and values as an individual and mother. I can't stop thinking about it and it's very debilitating. I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. But my question to you guys is am the monster that I've always been scared of being? Do I belong in the ground? Do I deserve to have a wonderful life and wonderful, perfect child?
𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 😞𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎 ℙ𝕃𝔼𝔸𝕊𝔼 𝔻𝕆ℕ'𝕋 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕀𝔽 𝔼𝔸𝕊𝕀𝕃𝕐 𝔻𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕌ℝ𝔹𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 𝕋ℍ𝔼𝕄𝔼𝕊 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 hi everyone, I am really struggling with something disturbing and I'm so afraid I'm a PDF. So my sis came to visit with my nephew for the first time. So the other day we were taking pics with the baby I was already feeling kinda nervous cuz I never held a baby before. Anyway it was my turn and I like I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him( not exactly the thought but the of thought was more graphic and I don't wanna disturb anyone). And I can't remember if I thought that while I was bumping him on my stomach (like how people bump babies on their hips) or before I started doing so. Anyways I can't really remember what my reaction to that thought was or if I started bumping him before or after I had that thought... So I tried not to think much of it but over time I started to spiral really bad and wonder why I thought that and why then I would bump him on my stomach after having that thought or during. I just feel so disgusted. Like was I curious about it? Did I disregard the thought because my brain thinks disturbing things? Ik right now away from that situation that ofc I have no sexual interest in my nephew at all. I played with him and helped changed diaper and everything and never had the urge to do anything inappropriate to him besides that one weird instance. So like I'm so disturbed like did that mean something? I have P OCD but that didn't really feel like an intrusive thought? I also can be very impulsive, and if it was impulsive does that mean I had a desire? Now I'm terrified of having kids even though I wanted some or to foster some. I mean I know but myself I'm not sexually attracted to kids but then why would I think that I am so disturbed really and feel so sick. 😞😞😞😞 I don't know what to do I'm so scared about what my motivation was I feel so bad and scared😞😞😞😞
Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.
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