My pocd actually started cause of I accidentally read a cp manga and I didn’t have any special reaction while reading it. And got loads of false memories surrounding it. Now each time I see a child or literally anything I’m TERRIFIED that I somehow see cp and will enjoy it. Idk I wanna crawl under a rock and live there forever. Life is too much :/
Hi there - thank you for sharing on here and being vulnerable, especially with topics like these it can be even more difficult. POCD thoughts can be extra uncomfortable because you don't want to have the thoughts and want to do anything you can to push them away. However, that just ends up making the OCD stronger because you are giving it what it wants in a way by doing the compulsions. You can validate your feelings without responding to the thoughts if that makes sense, even by just saying "yup, that thought makes me anxious and uncomfortable" and then there isn't anymore meaning attached to it. Have you tried that before?
hey Op, reading something does not equate to wanting to do something. Its all fiction and it doesn’t reflect on you. I read murder mysteries, but that doesn’t mean i want to murder someone. In a response I saw you were groomed and a victim of csa. Reading stories like that can be a coping mechanism cause you can control the situation. It can help with trying to process what happened to you. Ive read SA stories because i was raped and I could see myself in the character. It made me feel less alone in this world. That what happened to me wasnt my fault. You’re not evil or have any attraction to children.
If you enjoy it that means you haven’t connected the cp to real life yet. That’s a real child. And you would never hurt a real child. If you want to hurt one and that distresses you, talk to a therapist experienced in OCD.
@godvilla25 Mhmhm I don’t enjoy CP overall, if I ever find smth even near alike a CPfetish I tend to report it and leave directly. First, cause it’s distributing,duh, but second, since I have trauma surrounding my childhood and any type of CP or sa scene can trigger me alot (I used to make CP of myself and skjs complicated but yea csa and grooming goes hard) I love children dearly and I would never want to hurt one byw TT but yk sjsj
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
So I was on a hat chat gpt and it said that people who are non-offenders experience distress and anxiety and disgust and depression and they feel ashamed of being a non-offender like WHAT like that's honestly terrifying and I'm so scared because that's how I've been feeling like when I'm out I get anxiety too especially when I see a younger person I always been attracted to MEN my whole life can people turn into monsters and I don't even care if they have problems if there attracted to kids then there sick in the head like don't care like this has been sharing me soo much and the worst part about it is that they said some are in denial or suppress their attractions I'm so done...... I can not do this this is too much I would rather be gone from this earth than find out that I might be one like you have to be kidding me if you're attracted to young people and desire that you're sick and dead to me you're a monster I don't care like its disgusting. for this eole some people are suffering from POCD like me are scared to think about that and I'm terrified.
Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard
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