geodrimilis

Date posted: 2d ago

Hocd is literally a clown in my head.

Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 2d ago

OCD is so frustrating! Just know, the more we engage with the intrusive thoughts and give them meaning (i.e. "oh, you didn't have a response to that? That MUST mean x"), the more we feed the OCD cycle. It is truly peace when we can live well by allowing the intrusive thoughts to just be (think of it as white noise in the background) and continue living our life. Have you considered working with a trained ERP therapist? They understand the gold-standard treatment needed to equip you with skills to do this! You can always call the NOCD Care Team at treatmyocd.com to learn more about ERP treatment.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you all for sharing, this is so helpful. I also relate to the OP but vice versa as I’m a woman and never doubted until I had a bad breakup and then was like wait this means I’m gay because otherwise why would this end. And that started the entire thread for years, and attached childhood stuff to it which I hadn’t thought of before. It’s horrible and it feels the worst to be so afraid that you’re not who you thought or to be confused that you’re just going insane. So I get it. Thoughts and the obsessions and the worry is real. The worst. I do relate and I feel better after knowing I’m not going through it alone. Hope you do too.

geodrimilis

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous 1) attraction doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. 2) There’s NO WAY you were gay all along and didn’t know it. 3) I’ve talked to many gay people and they all told me that they’ve never gotten aroused by people of the opposite sex in their life. 4) sexuality doesn’t change. (All according to my therapist except 3) Don’t worry

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@geodrimilis - Thank you :) I need to work on the 'yeah but what ifs' now. It's all based in fear.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 2d ago

How do I even overcome this one time I be feeling better and the moment I start having thoughts about guys I’m back to zero like it doesn’t want to leave me alone I always have to be thinking that I’m magically into guys now even tho before I found gay stuff “unappealing” and unnatural for me. How can this even be happening I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I even tried talking to gay people to ask them how it is to be gay but they all told me that they’ve never felt anything about a women in their life which makes my situation even more confusing

meganl33

Date posted: Yesterday

@geodrimilis I’m in the exact same boat. I’ve been into men my entire life until a few months ago when I had a dream that flipped my life upside down and started this theme. It’s so confusing and depressing. I also have times where I go back to feeling attraction and stuff to guys but then there’s that one thought/feeling that passes by and I’m back to square one. I feel you, and you’re not alone.

GooseWizard2024

Date posted: Yesterday

@geodrimilis Hey brother, you truthfully have to just accept the uncertainty…. That’s the way out. I’ve dealt with this theme and relationship ocd on and off since 16. Typically it fires up when I start a new relationship with a gal. This last episode was the worst is been for me. From the second I woke up till the second I went to bed — rumination, compulsion, repeat. Anyhow after 5 months with this I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. DO ERP and sit with the uncertainty. Maybe your gay maybe your not. And accepting the uncertainty may mean you’ll never know…. Is this your first go around with OCD?

geodrimilis

Date posted: Yesterday

@GooseWizard2024 No I had ocd my whole life I just didn’t know

j vv

Date posted: 2d ago

I’ve seen your other posts struggling, and I can relate. I would definitely recommend working with a NOCD therapist certified in ERP. One of my first hurdles was understanding that thoughts simply happen. You are not your thoughts. In fact, OCD will intentionally feed you random thoughts to trigger you into freaking out at times when you are happiest or at your most vulnerable. It sounds unbearable, but the less you pay attention to those thoughts, like a bully, the fear and anxiety they produce lessen over time. You *can’t* always choose your thoughts, they just happen. You *can* choose how you engage with them. Having the guidance of a therapist was so important because I had years of unhelpful compulsions and thinking patterns that were all tangled, and felt impossible to sort out without an objective person helping and guiding me. If it helps, you seem like a very strong person who has put up with a ton of the ***t OCD has been throwing you these past few weeks. You’re strong enough for therapy, too. Wishing you support from over here! 💜

geodrimilis

Date posted: 2d ago

@j vv Thank you I just hope that I won’t somehow end up liking being something I never identified as

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@geodrimilis Wow do I relate to this so much! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and fears! I have had this worry before too!

j vv

Date posted: Yesterday

OCD knows that is your fear…and in a f***ed up way is trying to help you find certainty that you aren’t gay. There’s 3.7 billion men on earth, and OCD is so determined and bizarre that when you walk by them or are around any of them, it’s gonna try to make you check —“just to be sure”— that you aren’t gay. Worse, freaking out and thinking about it to find certainty and worrying kinda “soothes” the anxiety for a second…so your OCD thinks “Hey! I’m helping! I’m gonna double the intrusive thoughts and get even MORE soothing going.” It’s an amplification loop that you need tools to break. Therapy can help you get out of that cycle and stop feeding the OCD beast, believe me. I spent so many years suffering in silence, carrying a weight that I had no idea I was adding onto with my thoughts. Set up a consultation with NOCD if you can. It’s free! Pay for one appointment. See if it is for you. I will say, facing your OCD with help is still scary…you’ll be staring into the face of your worst fear from time to time. BUT it will be in a safe, controlled way that will help you build up to it — like going to the gym and starting with a little cardio before going to the heavy weights. After a few months of therapy, it’s felt like I’ve finally gotten a car off my shoulders. I’m not perfect, but I’ve tackled just a couple of my fears and compulsions and I never could have imagined the difference. Either way you go, I’m rooting for you! I struggled with SOOCD quite a bit through life. It’s a brutal OCD theme. You’re not alone! 💜

Mt2019

Date posted: 6w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

Ampyyy

Date posted: 4w ago

Hocd no clue (also tw*)

I don’t want to look for reassurance but I seriously need help. I got diagnosed with OCD in January of 2024. My first theme was religious OCD. I feared that I would commit the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. Maybe about five months later I walked in to my dad’s room where he was watching a movie, and two girls did some stuff if you know what I mean. Later that day I started to panic that I was that way. At the beginning of my hocd I did many compulsions and a lot of rumination. I had bad anxiety and knew that I did not want a relationship with a woman. I had always known myself to be straight. I’ve liked men since preschool. From having a crushes and celebrity crushes and only wanting and fantasizing about men. But fast forward to now with my hocd, I have no anxiety and I’m feel like I’m in denial. Which I know is common but I believe I truly want and like this. Even though before I would have had a panic attack and said ew. When I think about dating a girl I feel as though it’s normal and I have no anxiety about not having anxiety. I’m a very big Christian and I don’t really want to be this way. I mean if I am I’ll deal with it I guess but I’ve never felt this way before. I used to always watch movies and be like I hope I find a man like that but now i do that with both genders I feel like. I felt numb but now it feels normal and that I truly want and enjoy it and that I’m okay with it. Am I in denial or is it hocd still? Can anyone relate? It just feels so real like it’s not hocd anymore and I feel like I don’t care and I just want to know yk. UGH I don’t know how to explain it.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 16d ago

How to counter hocd (in my opinion)

Think logically. Literally. Take me as an example. I have hocd and my obsession is “what if I’m gay”. I’ve liked girls my whole life, I can still get aroused by them and I can’t get the same instinctive reaction from a guy. So I can’t be gay. Sometimes ocd will go to something else once you prove it wrong. Maybe like. “What if I’m bi” again I can only get aroused by girls. Sometimes when I’m not thinking about it I can even get aroused when sitting next to a girl or when I’m sitting next to one or even when I’m touching one in a non sexual way. Something that never happens or has happened with a guy in my life. Don’t start panicking. Just “realise” who you are and who you’ve been.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Hocd is literally a clown in my head.

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community