Really need some outside perspective please TW SA

Starting a job soon working to end child sexual abuse. I love this job, and I am so excited. Right now though, I feel so so so so bad about myself and things I have done. I keep ruminating over past sexual encounters I have had, parties where I have blacked out in college and etc. I am worried someone will come out and say I assaulted them and I forgot. But now I am worried I misremembered and maybe I just assaulted this friend. Another is my friend my child hood who I was completely toxic with. Like very codependent, and she was 2-3 years younger than me. We had some very sexual conversations and I look back and feel so disgusted by myself. Lastly, I have a friend who I no longer speak with for different reasons. That friend and I were at a party and I touched her thigh, she moved my hand off. I put it back and she moved it off again and I stopped. Are these horrible? Am I horrible? I have been healing and in therapy and learning more. Honestly because of the internet and some online grooming from when I was a child I thought this was all normal. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I learned it wasn’t. I feel so so so so horrible. And I feel as though my life will fall apart. What if these situations are worse than I remember? What if something happened that I don’t remember? I just do not know what to do. I cannot even think really. It’s hard. I got this new amazing job working to end csa, but what if I’m not a victim, what if I’m a perpetrator? I don’t know what to do.

curefan6

Date posted: 31w

from what i’ve learned with experiencing real events ocd, you really just have to tell yourself “maybe it didn’t happen, maybe it did.” i know it feels horrible to think that way but your brain will just keep searching for answers over these things that happened or might have happened and you will never find a true answer. i’m sorry you’re going through this

nae nae

Date posted: 31w

I agree with the comment above, even though telling yourself "maybe, maybe not" in this case might be difficult, but it's just what you're going to have to do. I've had to do the same, and once my OCD stopped latching onto that event, I realized it'd been exaggerating things. Whether it happened or not, you're still going to have to learn to move past this.

Wolfram

Date posted: 31w

I'd honestly suggest getting therapy to deal with this. You'll want a clear mindset in that kind of job believe me. I had a massive hero complex and wanted to do the same as you but I was getting trauma flashbacks (had no clue for a long time) and it was awful for me. Plus my moral based ocd on top, bad combo. If you try help people out of fear it can be detrimental to the goal your aiming for. I fully support what you want to do but suggest stuff like emdr therapy and erp if there's any trauma and ocd fueling the need to do this. I think anyone working in that field should do it anyway as they'd be so much better at helping the victims. I work with young adults and they open up to me sometimes about horrible stuff they've went through. After getting therapy myself for that stuff, I was way more effective in helping them than I was before. I don't feel triggered and I don't feel like I'm being forced to help them, just that I want to and I will. Hope this helps. I appreciate you choosing this path even if it's a temporary one. We need people doing it. Some things require black and white solutions in it and others are a bit nuanced with it. Just remember some actions can traumatise the victims more, that's probably the toughest thing to work around. Especially when they don't understand 😞

Imnotalone,i...

Date posted: 31w

Sorry something cut out. A friend and I touched each other sexually walking home from a party. I stopped it, but now I am worried I misremember and I just assaulted them.

Derickk

Date posted: 25w

Past mistakes and regrets.

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

Lulu~

Date posted: 21w

Someone please help me right now

I’m a csa survivor which made me develop hypersexuality while actually being a asexual individual. (Where I did CP and talked to groomers and sexted, ect ect) A few months ago I’ve started to heal, but the fact that I’ve seen so many private parts since I was idk, young? I imagine them everywhere, it’s really frustrating and sometimes I also get intrusive thoughts about other kids or my siblings. It’s deeply distributing but I also kind of think of it from a curious kind of aspect which I despise too. Honestly I have a hard time with any kid in underwear, my intrusive thoughts have been ALOT the last months and they’re really really overwhelming. I also easily go into overanalysing them or even trying to figure out more clearer the thoughts to “test myself”. I think, I hope. Idk it’s scary

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Am I disgusting for this?

I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.

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Really need some outside perspective please TW SA

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