For the last three years Iāve been dealing with OCD, Iāve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now Iām not sure if itās POCD or if itās real. Iāve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I canāt tell whatās real and whatās not anymore, I think Iāve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, Iāve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I havenāt gone back because they told me they couldnāt be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that wonāt begin until two weeks later. Iām F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, thatās what Iāve told myself. I couldnāt believe that I myself am a monster, I canāt cope with thisā¦I donāt know what to do, when youāve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as āproofā I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die.
The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, āwhat if you sought someone younger and donāt rememberā I do remember Iād encounter kids on there but Iād skip them, sometimes Iād warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. Iāve been dealing with this constant āwhat if what ifā for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but thereās this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I donāt care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if Iāve done something I donāt remember, Iām scared to face that monster Iāve thought myself to be for so long.
