Still struggling

I felt like I was stuck in a rut on my old medication so I talked with my psychiatrist and we decided I’d try Viibryd. I tapered onto it at 10mg and the first week was a bit rough, and the last 6 days have been horrific. My OCD has been the worst it’s been in years, and I think this is the most intense it’s ever been in such a short period of time. My suicide OCD* has been on my mind constantly, and it has felt so insanely real. Like I’m just one thought, or one moment away from hurting myself. I’ve also really been struggling with my existential OCD because I’ve been feeling so terrified that things feel surreal, and the idea of feeling normal, caring about normal things, and going about life seem so alien to me. And it ties into my suicide OCD. Like despite all of the work I’ve done in ERP (4+ years) it’s come flooding in, and it’s so severe that I’ve been in survival mode the past 5 days. I talked with my psychiatrist and therapist yesterday and it helped a lot. I’m going back to a medication I know works and taking abilify as a booster. But my psych says it’ll be about 3 days until I feel better, and about a week until I feel myself again. And I’m just scared that I’ll never feel normal again. That everything will feel like a simulation or meaningless, or that I’ll never feel comfortable with my own existence again. I know it’s not true, but this in-between period of the chemicals in my brain trying to balance back out is just exhausting and grueling to get through. I’ve been super nauseous (probably a mix of my bad medication and my ocd episode) and even the thought of food makes me feel ill, so I’ve been force feeding myself with bland protein shakes. And I feel awful saying this, but today I napped partially because I was tired and partially because I just wanted to avoid being awake so I wouldnt have a panic attack. I wanna go back to the little things bringing me joy, yearning to draw and paint, and being able to genuinely smile despite my anxiety. I don’t want reassurance or anything. Maybe some support or words of encouragement. Or maybe tips on how to get food in without gagging until my meds even out. (Just to distance ocd from reality for one second, my suicide OCD is ego dystonic and doesn’t actually reflect my desires, so objectively I am not a harm to myself right now. My ocd is just trying to convince me it is actually how I feel)

Canigetaname...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 40w

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you OCD is hard enough and then to add new medication to fire is harder. But you are so strong for it and I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. It’s so relatable the fear of things not going back to normal and many people have the same issues. You’ve done this before tho you been doing it for years now so keep it up if you stopped doing exposers pick em back up again little by little. Let’s keep it at tomorrow the meds might start evening out you never know. For food tho what I would do is the protine shakes and whatever your favorite snack is just eat a little bit through out the day or even get your favorite food it’s ok if you can’t eat a lot rn but some food is better then none. Hope you find your peace again much love to you bro🫡

Whit.D25

Date posted: 23w

1st post-What my OCD experience feels like. Pt1 Ig

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

nae nae

Date posted: 15w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 14w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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