Paranoia / Delusions. Please Read.

I know I shouldn’t be seeking reassurance as I know this just fuels OCD, but I really need to vent. I just continue to feel so alone with these thoughts and worries. I feel pathetic for writing about this again on here, but right now it’s just overwhelming feeling. I have posted on here before about this, but basically I continue to have thoughts that people are out to hurt me, including family members. I don’t even feel comfortable at home right now cause I get these thoughts and I feel so fearful/anxious of them. I’m terrified this is more than OCD and that these are actual delusions. It’s always just in the back of the mind the past few days and it’s exhausting. Feeling like I can’t trust others and not even myself. Plus it goes a long with my harm thoughts, because I thought “if my mom is trying to hurt me, I need to hurt her first as a way to protect myself!” And I just feel so much dread thinking that. Like I’m actually going to do it and it makes me depressed and panicky. Plus I picture all these different scenarios, like me being in the hospital, my life officially over, losing my job, etc. I’m thinking the absolute worst. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with OCD at 15 and have had flare ups over the years on/off, but at the beginning of this year it started my worst flare up yet and has just continued to persist. First started with health, then turned to my usual theme of harm, and now it’s harm/mixed with fear of psychosis. I try hard to just let the thoughts be, but the anxiety persists and the thoughts won’t go away. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and hard to concentrate on anything. I just want to know if this is OCD or delusional thinking. I feel like I need to know for sure, to know that I’m actually safe and that I’m not a danger. If the longer I wait, the more damage I’m actually doing to myself. Thank you to whoever reads this and relates or responds. I appreciate this community and how open-minded and open-hearted you all are. This disorder is horrible how it makes us doubt and question everything.

Username: JB1020JB1020

Date posted: 13w ago

So sorry you're dealing with this. Are you in active Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) - this is something you can share with your therapist and develop exposures for. It can be hard to break out of these fear-based cycles but you can do it - exposures, mocking the OCD, positive thoughts/affirmations, cognitive behavioral therapy, prayer, exercise, good sleep are all tools in the bag. I'm also a devout Christian and have experienced psychosis myself. No matter what we may go through here on Earth, Christ is always available to us. Since coming to faith, praying intentionally and in a non-compulsive way, and really surrendering to Him, my mind has never been clearer. God bless.

Username: madelynclawson7madelynclawson7

Date posted: 13w ago

Hi! I’m sorry you’re feeling that way! I’ve had similar harm thoughts. What helps me is to recognize that I am in control and I can actively choose not to do the things that engulf my mind. I know that’s easier said than done. I am constantly praying and Jesus provides peace. Keep fighting, my friend!

Username: ScuderiaAlphaScuderiaAlpha

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13w ago

I know we’re never supposed to provide assurance to each other but I can see you’re really struggling so I will provide you with one bit just to help you recognise and try and disregard the thoughts and sit with the anxiety they bring without ruminating. As I mentioned I’ve had all the same thoughts with this fear of psychosis. You name it, I’ve had it: I PROMISE you. What my therapist told me and I’ll tell you is that if you really were delusional, you wouldn’t be aware of it and you wouldn’t be on here writing posts over and over and doubting (key OCD buzzword) whether this was OCD or not or whether you actually believed your thoughts or not. You just wouldn’t be aware that there was a problem with you. I KNOW how real it can feel and you can literally think “but I FEEL (another key OCD buzzword) like could believe it!”. I’ve sat with ALOT of hell and anxiety the last few weeks with regard to this theme and these thoughts but I PROMISE you it gets better. I know how hard it is but for me the biggest compulsion was (and still is tho I’m much better at not doing so now) is ruminating about whether I believed the thoughts or not. Really really try and just accept them and say “maybe I believe that and maybe I don’t!” “That’s a cool one thanks OCD!”. I hope that bit of assurance helps you to recognise that OCD knows no bounds when it comes to intrusive thoughts and these are the same. I’ve been in ERP for this for about a month and it really does get better! Another thing I would say is that in your last post you said you had told this all to your NOCD therapist. They’re all highly trained expert medical professionals and if they thought you might be experiencing psychosis, they would tell you and be able to recognise it instantly. I hope this helps you, I know how rough this theme is. :)

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 13w ago

@ScuderiaAlpha Thank you so much. Your response put tears my eyes. It means a lot that you shared all of this with me. I’m sorry you had to go through this hell as well. It truly is difficult. Like, I don’t know if you had something similar, but whenever I make a post like this and get response, it make me feel good but then I will think “they’re just saying those things to brainwash you or why even write this if you don’t trust people?” Like it always comes up with someone else to make me ruminate on. No matter what “recovery” I make towards beating this, it always seems to twist it around and turn it into another paranoid type thought. I hate it.

Username: SolroseSolrose

Date posted: 13w ago

@ScuderiaAlpha Also yes, I have told all this to my therapist. She asked me several questions regarding my paranoid thoughts and asked if there was anything else that would make me think these “true” or convincing, and she believes it’s just my ocd. She didn’t outright say “no these aren’t delusions” but I think she was saying that to not give me reassurance. She also just said from her training/education, she did not think I was delusional. But didn’t really give firm no. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist and she was glad I was, which of course made me concerned that maybe she had suspicions that I was actually delusional. Lol.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 19w ago

(PLEASE READ) feeling helpless

*PLEASE READ* I’ve been struggling with bad harm intrusive thoughts for a couple years now. They’ll go away for a couple of months then get triggered by something and start all over again. As much as I try to tell myself that I would never act on these thoughts I have a memory from when I was little that I was going to hurt my parents in their sleep and that memory has haunted me till now. Of course I didn’t hurt them but I thought it and I feel so guilty about it today that it makes me sick to my stomach. I love my parents so much and would never want to hurt them or anybody. I just want these thoughts to go away because they don’t line up with my values of who I am. But every time I tell myself that my thoughts are not facts that memory pops up making me feel like an awful person. I feel right now as if I don’t deserve any love from anyone because of these thoughts. I’m a believer of God and I feel as if I don’t deserve his love as well and that he has given up on me. These thoughts have also turned into a new theme of being scared I’m actually crazy and going into a psychosis. I’m just so scared and just want to be normal. As much as I tell myself ocd lies to you these thoughts have really scared me and I haven’t felt like myself in days. I’ve also struggled with health anxiety and intrusive suicidal thoughts. I know seeking reassurance isn’t good but I’m so scared.

Username: OCDwontwin12...

Date posted: 18w ago

I just need to know I’m not alone

My ocd convinces me that no one else has the ocd thoughts I have. I am newly PP and had an intrusive thought about my baby that sent me into the worst panic attack imaginable. I went to OBGYN and she said “but you aren’t having thoughts about harming yourself or the baby right?” I had to lie. I obviously didn’t want the thought, it’s my biggest fear. But how can we be honest with our doctors without being locked away. I had visions of them taking my child from me or me being locked away and now I’m just spiraling. I went down the rabbit hole for sure. How do we know what intrusive thoughts we can tell our doctor/therapist??? If I can’t share what’s going on in my head, then how am I supposed to know that I am not alone 😭. I want to find a therapist on here to work with but my ocd convinces me that no one else has struggled with what I have for some reason or that my ocd is “different” and I’ll be reported. This is miserable. Can anyone else relate? It’s like it convinces you that you are the “worst case” & what If it’s not even ocd. This has kept me from getting the therapy I know I need. Hope someone can give me some insight…

Username: Danni2314

Date posted: 14w ago

First time posting !! Schizophrenic OCD. Help.

TW. Also long post ahead . I’ve been dealing with OCD for the past 10 years. I’m 32 years old . I didn’t get diagnosed with OCD until this year. I was always diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder, and depression. I don’t have your typical compulsions. Mine are mostly all mental. Reassurance seeking, avoidance , repeating a prayer , etc . I have three main themes . Schizophrenia OCD, sexual orientation OCD, and HIV. Sometimes i deal with harm OCD and POCD but my main big three are the ones I listed first . I feel like the schizophrenic OCD is the most debilitating for me. For the last ten years I’ve been thinking I’m losing my mind . I thought once I got to a certain age the fear would go away but it hasn’t and is in full force . I’m constantly checking my surroundings, what I’m hearing, how I’m acting , questioning if things are real and so on . Now I do have times where this theme doesn’t bother me . It’s put on the back burner . I go through cycles . But when I’m focusing on this theme I feel like I’m hearing stuff . Most of the time I can’t make it out but recently I feel like I’ve been hearing a whisper saying “hey” . It mainly happens at night . It sends me into a complete panic and I feel like “this is it “ I’m seeing an OCD therapist and she recommended me to go to this psychiatric place in town to get meds to help my anxiety from the OCD. My last psychiatrist always pushed the newest medicine and was constantly changing up my regimen. I thought I would give it a try. WORST IDEA EVER . Keep in mind my therapist gave me a letter to give to her explaining I have been diagnosed with OCD and explaining it . She doesn't think I have OCD at all. She wanted to put me on an antipsychotic so me with my OCD brain . I asked her if she thought I was psychotic . She said I was nearing psychosis . She called me interesting . She feels like I have major depressive disorder . I'm just at a loss for words. It was honestly the strangest meeting I have had with a psychiatrist. It was very unprofessional. She has no idea the damage she has done nor do I think she cares. I just don't know what to Believe in anymore ... We met for approximately 45 minutes . First time ever meeting. I just want to cry and I’m freaking out 😢

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