Intrusive thoughts

I’ve been feeling really really depressed the past few days due to health concerns. I’ve been really feeling down like not wanting to be here anymore and it’s scaring me. I was in the doctor’s office this morning and I got a scary thought that said maybe I should just k*ll someone in here instead of k*lling myself. Then the thoughts continued… this man walked past and I thought “hurt him” I obviously wouldn’t want to hurt anyone let alone a bug on the sidewalk, but the thoughts began to overtake me and I had a panic attack. It’s still bothering me and I’m still scared it’s real and that I’m going crazy. This happens to me a lot after I watch a documentary about someone who hurt someone else. I begin to think I am somehow going to go crazy like the person in the documentary and hurt someone. Although I don’t want to .. I would never ever want to hurt anyone.

What do you do when you have a thought and you’re not sure if it’s intrusive or not? I just had one that was so strange and bad, and I can’t believe I just had it, but I’m almost afraid it’s not intrusive and there really is something wrong with me. I hate this.

This may upset some people reading so here is just a warning that these are disturbing I don’t know what to do to make the bad thoughts stop. My mom recently had a baby, my little brother. I wasn’t exactly happy about this pregnancy, but I have nothing against my brother. He’s adorable and silly. Nothing against him. But I feel like these thoughts bug me because what if deep down I do resent him because I didn’t want my mom to have another kid? What if I did act on these things because I hate him? What if I just lose it and do something? It’s all so illogical, I know. Never would I ever want to do that. But there’s times I’m watching him for a few minutes for my mom and my brain just shows me an awful scene of me brutally hurting him or killing him. Or I’ll be holding him and my brain shows me a scene where I purposefully drop him or I just hurt him so badly. I’ll be walking near him and my brain tells me I’m going to stomp on him. It shows me such bad things. I have intrusive thoughts all the time, but this is different because there’s a semi good reason I “could” do it. That being, I wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. And it scares me. I’ve started crying because I was so scared it was going to happen. I have to back up away from him or sit down so there’s no way I can do anything. I feel horrible. I don’t want to hurt him. And I’m so scared I will. But I won’t. I’m hoping this makes sense to others who struggle with this. Because to anyone else who’s never gone through these things I’ll sound insane. And sound like a psychopath. Thanks for reading. Any help would be appreciated.