Magical thinking

this is literally me. It also stems because the way i was raised to fear god made me paranoid, not “comforted”. God is like a stalker for me, not someone who protects my family. I only feel the need to say that because i feel threatened that if i dont pray to god or attempt to make a connection with god, god will kill my family and everything that i love. (sorry for lowercase g’s irdc to uppercase it, that honestly just stresses me out more having to think about that lol)

I also just felt/feel like god is just someone who has power over me but to use it mostly in a negative way unless i beg for mercy. It feels like my soul is kidnapped. And i feel uncomfortable. Like does god watch me in the shower? does god see me in the bathroom? does god look at me when i engage in my ocd repetition actions and does god laugh? like why. its just weird and uncomfortable and it honestly still gets in the way of my new spiritual journey

Do you think of God as this monster, ready to do evil if you don't pray? Do you think God needs your prayers? What would your prayers add to His kingdom? God is Loving and Merciful. Your prayers are for yourself, and only you benefit from it.

Check out Mark DeJesus! He has so much content and has really helped me see the root of my OCD...so much comes down to Trusting God's heart for me as I am and receiving His love as I am!!! So hard to do, but also so beautiful

thank you for saying this. i have the EXACT same issue. i feel like if i dont pray a very specific, very long prayer about keeping my family members and loved ones safe from xyz, then i will be the cause of those bad things happening to them. it is so exhausting and confusing. im right there with you. and then i feel like god is angry with me for like “using” him to relieve my OCD. and that starts a whole other spiral