I feel sick

It’s 4am and I’m really freaking myself out. So full disclosure…I used to watch Porn and this triggered SO OCD initially. I feel like it’s NOW jumped into POCD. In the past I used to click on vids of women performing sexual acts. (Hence the SO OCD) But now I’m freaking out that I actually finished and enjoyed myself to the vids that maybe said Teen in the title or what not. At the time I didn’t believe that those girls were actually underage because why would that be legal and distributed on Porn hub? Maybe these girls are trying to click bait a weird thing? I assumed Teen meant 18. Now I look back on it and feel gross and that I’m a predator. I would never condone anything like that in real life. I keep questioning myself like “Why the hell did I do that?” “why didn’t I click off the video?” If that person was actually 17 or younger I would freaking lose it. How could I live with myself? How could I ever be a good person?

This post will be for people 18+ and it is a topic on sexual attraction, if you are comfortable you can read but it’s completely up to you. I know I’m not the only woman that watches lesbian love for pleasure as we are all humans and our hormones go up. I’ve been watching lesbian love for years now (about 3 years) and in most of that time, not once did I question my sexuality until someone asked me a question that triggered my overthinking. Today after watching that, I was asking myself questions like what it would feel like to do this with a woman? How would it feel like to be with one? And because these thoughts came to my mind I freaked out because I keep thinking that I like females but never in my life and even till this day have I ever fallen in love with a women or even thought about marrying a women one day. I always want to have a husband one day and at least have a kid or two. But lately all this questioning has me confused to the point where I question if I’m bi or lesbian and if I even have SOOCD or if it’s generally just me tryna figure out my sexuality or if I’m just in denial. I am also talking to a man romantically and whenever I’m around him I feel happy and I’m always excited to talk to him and he also makes my heart flutter and my body burn for him. But because of these recent thoughts I’ve been having, it just confuses me and adds some stress. Any tips for how I can go about this?

I think I just need to vent about this and hopefully I’ll feel better. When I was a teen (somewhere between 12 and 18, fuzzy about when exactly) I found some weird fetish porn. I didn’t even know what I was doing because my sex ed was terrible, but I ended up getting off to it. I remember being confused, scared, and VERY secretive. I ended up being funneled into a community that ultimately was very harmful for me as a young teen, one that I don’t think I would have been anywhere near if I hadn’t stumbled onto it. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I recognize that this was not a good situation. I think I was into it because it was paired with things I do like, because of the secrecy and anxiety, and just sheer exposure. But that doesn’t stop me from every once in a while being absolutely terrified that I secretly like it. It’s nerve wracking, because I wonder if I just convinced myself I didn’t like it because I assigned moral value to it. I had friends that thought it was disgusting. But at the end of the day, I didn’t stop because of other people, I stopped because I found myself not wanting it anymore. I just stopped wanting it. Now, I don’t want it. Even though I’ve done my best to remove the moral quantity to it, I just don’t want to do it and the thought makes me uncomfortable and icked out. So… yeah. I’ve talked to my therapist before. It was the first time I ever cried in therapy. I think I need to talk through it more. I’m comforted knowing I don’t want to act on any of the intrusive thoughts I get about it, but knowing that I did things when I was a teen makes it hard. I just have to remind myself I was a child, I know what was happening. But it’s hard