Intrusive thoughts destroyed who I've always known myself to be, I wish I could go back to when I trusted who I was and my morals. I'm constantly paranoid that I've lied about terribly awful things and theyre gonna come out and haunt me. What a sad way to live :(
I understand. You are not alone. It is extremely difficult to handle, but you can and will manage this beast. I have. I’ve experienced a very nice recession, but it’s not without work. He’s a little louder today (my OCD) and he wants me to believe that my past mistakes will destroy my life too. Whether they happened or not. The best I can do is lean into them even harder. “Yep, maybe/ maybe not”. You’ve got this, friend!
I've created the most unforgivable scenarios, and want to prove my innocence to myself so desperately..I don't understand how a thought can have so much power
You are not alone. I was diagnosed six years ago around age 35 and while it’s still prevalent in my life, i am working toward recovery and things are better ❤️ Are you in therapy for ERP?
Theropy but not erp, my doctor diagnosed me with GAD with traits of ocd and unhelpful thoughts. But it's like he didn't understand, I'm not anxious about something i know I did.. I'm anxious my brain has let go of memories of me doing terrible things.. so I can't get out of this horrible loop. Everytime I go okay, if I've done that I can deal with the consequences it comes back with a scenario 10x worse:(
I remember feeling guilt and trying to ‘solve’ my real event right after it happened. I remember feeling bad and thinking of every possible outcome. I think eventually I convinced myself nothing bad would happen? or I just ignored it and forgot? I honestly don’t know. After some time I think about 1-2 years it has come back up again and I can acknowledge that I did something wrong but I can’t remember all the details now. I’m terrified of what I can’t remember and I have these false memories that would take the event and make it so so much worse. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself not to forget or to just look at all the facts and have a clear view of everything. I’ve thought about killing myself so much and although I’ve confessed to the people I’m closest to and they have told me that they would still love me after all (which made me feel even worse) I still don’t think I could ever move on without knowing exactly what happened. I used to have dreams and recently obtained a great degree but now I just don’t even think I’m worthy of breathing on this earth. I just want to be someone else completely. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s driving me insane.
I'm just not doing alright at the moment. The thoughts keep on showing up. They keep on haunting me. I keep getting thoughts that say I'm really not a good person. Or that I have ulterior motives that are against who I am. Like if I'm a pedo or if I'm a sex offender, or an abuser. Or just not a good friend. I can't sit with them any longer. I just want medication to help me with this, even if it feels like I don't deserve to have it. I keep thinking about how even though I was uncomfortable talking to a 17 year old when I was 19 about their OCD, I still went anyway and helped them. Why did I do that? Was it some kind of exposure? Or when I was in the awkward position of someone passing by a tight space and their behind touched my elbow. I had thoughts saying to move it and not to move it and I didn't think I needed to because it wouldn't happen or it was just because I was zipping my bag up in the moment. But since it did happen, now I think I'm a deviant or a dangerous person. Or the thoughts talking about my exposure to porn as a teenager and doing very impulsive, cringe worthy things in relation to the whole exposure. The things I've watched, seen, or heard of. It all disturbs me very much and I can't take any of them back. Last time in therapy I just ended up crying because I just can't deal with this anymore. I'm even scared to try and get my family on board with medication. I'm just afraid they'll be bad at me if I do take it. At the same time though, I don't know if I care that much because it's either that or I just keep going through the days like.. this. I don't want to keep this up anymore. I just want a way out. I just want my life back. Right now it feels like I'll never get it back and it feels like all of what my intrusive thoughts say to me is true.
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