I have really been struggling with ROCD

I’ve been dealing with a terribly overwhelming bout of OCD for a few months now, possibly the worst I’ve ever had in my 12 years of having it; which is what led me here. I’ve always had doubts in my long term relationship, but none that have been quite this vicious, making me question my sense of safety with this sweet man who has ALWAYS made me feel safe and comfortable. It picks on every aspect of our relationship, and any moment it can to make me question if he’s actually secretly a bad person. This thing has a chokehold on me and it is so scary and debilitating, especially with it targeting something I care so deeply about. And now weeks into therapy, I almost feel that unpacking it is making me feel worse and my OCD is finding all sorts of new things to pick on. Any comforting words would be appreciated… I’m trying really hard to work through this.

I don’t know why, but my ROCD is really loud right now. I’m obsessed with the idea of our relationship being “right”. Do I need to work on myself more before I can be in a good relationship? (My relationship is great by the way) Am I really going to commit to this person for the rest of my life? Is he holding me back? These are just a few of the questions I’m obsessed with right now. It’s so tiring and I just want to be able to enjoy my relationship for what it is. I’m feeling so sad and down. I’m trying not to search for reassurance but it’s also scary because I think “is this my OCD or is this real and true”. Any advice on how to help this. NOCD doesn’t take my insurance so I can’t go to therapy currently.

Please read, I normally don't beg but I have no relatives I trust to be emotionally vulnerable with, no social circle or friends outside of my relationship so I really need some help. My partner has been my one stable bond since we met. I've had small flare-ups during our relationship over fearing the commitment in the beginning, and for the last 2 or so months since we had a relationship crisis (caused by me) I feel like everything in my brain flipped. My brain is telling me she's ugly, I'm feeling threatened around the time she comes home, I feel hesitant to spend time with her, and my libido is in the dirt as I'm constantly self-monitoring arousal to check if I'm attracted to her or not which ofc skyrockets my insecurity. I struggled for years with compulsive sexual activity before meeting her and it feels like the same part of myself that I was protecting through those activities is the same part of myself lashing out against my partner now. We went to the state fair yesterday, and I don't know if it's my new medication (Bupropion) kicking in or what, but for a while I felt alright. I didn't look at her and feel anxious, I didn't feel any negativity at all. Then when I wake up this morning and she leaves, I'm wracked with the thought that maybe I didn't have a good enough time last night? I don't get reassurance from anyone besides myself and her, I'm not necessarily asking for it here but I feel like I'm truly alone in this and I'm fighting with everything I have to not leave the one person that life without makes me instantly sob when thinking of.