HOCD Survivors

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty confused on almost everything now to the point where I just don’t even know anymore. Every positive thought turns into a bad one such as finding out people in denial tend to avoid thinking about it completely, made me feel pretty good but now it’s telling me that’s how I think. I’ve been having false attraction, feeling sick to stomach, can’t stop thinking, feeling like I’m lying to myself, feeling numb, the only emotion I can feel is being scared the more real this feels. I’m extremely worried that this is becoming true and that I am gay. The only thing I have left is what I want, which is to marry the girl I am with one day, that brings me a good feeling. Anyways, what are some methods of being able to tell what’s real and what’s not when everything is leaning towards being gay besides what I want?

Sexual Orientation OCD

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

As silly as it seems, the best way “out” is through. It seems very counterintuitive, but I found that by accepting the presence of the thoughts (not the content of them being true at first, as this is very anxiety-provoking) I was able to become less triggered. After a while those thoughts stopped having such a hold on me, and I am able to more clearly see what I want and see the thoughts as just random firings in my brain

random3

Date posted: 1y

@D99 thank you, I had just one more question, so there have been two dudes, friends of mine that I have had “crushes” on and one of them I’ve accepted it’s because there are some attributes that he has that are nice or whatever, which is normal, however the other one I don’t know why, we had a good talk about random things the other day and I also growing up thought that he might have been gay, could that possibly be a reason of having a false attraction?

random3

Date posted: 1y

@D99 mind you I do get extremely sick to my stomach the more real any of this feels which I use as a good thing

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@random3 So I would be careful with this. This sounds like a sneaky compulsion. Instead of feeling reassured by feeling sick to your stomach, I would personally encourage you to create space for uncertainty. “Maybe this nauseous feeling means it isn’t real and I would hate this. Maybe it doesn’t and it’s happening for a different reason. I don’t know for sure, but I can continue doing x, y, z without knowing for sure.”

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@random3 When you say “crushes” do you mean your OCD has told you you have crushes on them even though you don’t want to? I would say try not to figure out “why.” Acknowledge that “maybe yes those intrusive thoughts are true and I have a crush on them. Maybe they aren’t true. I’m not sure why I would have a crush on this person, but I’m not going to try to figure it out right now. I’m going to continue doing what I’m currently doing. This uncomfortable thought/feeling can stay here, but I’m going to bring it along with me instead of trying to get rid of it.”

random3

Date posted: 1y

@D99 yeah like I’ve known both these guys my whole life, never had feelings like that for them but now all of a sudden it feels like I do? As far as not being able to stop thinking about them from time to time. I also try to live with uncertainty but I have a girlfriend that I love dearly and constantly worried about losing her more than anything. In my past I have experimented with same gender, not in a sexual way but I was also young and I regret it. Overall, I just find it hard to sit with that anxious sick feeling unless I know why and deep down no matter how I feel or think I just simply don’t want to be gay.

random3

Date posted: 1y

@D99 I guess another thing I struggle with is just believing myself, I constantly feel like I’m in denial and I’m lying myself along with feeling like deep down I know the answer but I don’t want that, it doesn’t match with what I believe in or what I want in life

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@random3 I feel this. A lot of this is very similar to my experience. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years and I think OCD went after this subtype because my brain thought the only way I wouldn’t end up with her if it was something out of my control (my sexuality). I have also experimented with the same gender when I was younger. It never bothered me when I was younger and it never made me question my sexuality until OCD took hold. This took a lot of ERP to be able to sit with the uncertainty of what those experiences may or may not mean about myself and my sexuality. I also really struggled with the denial fears. I’ve said the same thing so many times. “You know deep down that you aren’t straight but your brain decided for you and you don’t want it but you’re in denial. It isn’t what you’ve wanted your entire life. Getting married to a woman, having a life with her, etc.” I’ve been at therapy with ERP for going on two years now, and while I still have ups and downs the general trajectory of my mental health and ability to sit with uncertainty has improved. Keep up with the skills you’ve learned and give yourself grace

random3

Date posted: 1y

@D99 I appreciate you sharing this with me, knowing that you have the same experience has made me feel some hope. Often times I think this wouldn’t be as bad if I didn’t have someone so important to lose, I did have this years ago but only lasted for a week and got over it. The only thing different now is I have severe anxiety and someone extremely important to me that I am undoubtedly in love with so I believe that could be why this is so bad.

Anonymous123

Date posted: 25w

Can anyone tell me if this is normwl

Hi so I've been having a recent theme of soocd hocd. At the start I was all panicked and couldn't leave my house. Now all my emotions feel like they have turned off. It feels real now like I'm just in denial. It's bringing up memories from the past of shows I've watched or people I was friends with to try and prove the point or people I thought were pretty. It's saying you've only realised now cause you are comfortable as I had a difficult childhood. I feel no attraction towards men and can't remember if I ever have now even though I know I did. It's saying its all fake. I really am. Starting to believe it's real and I just feel depressed now. Am I going to have to leave my boyfriend who I planned my life with. It feels like life is going by and I'm stuck. I have no energy at all.

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 21w

Hocd is literally a clown in my head.

Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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