overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

Feeling really hopeless

I’m really feeling awful this morning. I thought I was getting better but now I just feel worse. I keep telling myself it’s not OCD and that I want these things and that something is seriously wrong with me. And I can’t shake that feeling. I feel so stuck and alone because my thoughts are so awful. I am so scared. I have my fourth session today and while it’s been nice to have someone but I feel like yesterdays session made me feel worse even though it didn’t have to. I think my OCD latched onto something my therapist said and now I am running with it. Sometimes I will make every situation about something sexually inappropriate, do you guys do that? and I mean listening to songs or watching shows or just having a random thought? I also feel like a bad person and when people sympathize with me for OCD i feel like I don’t deserve it bc i don’t have OCD and want to do those things and i’m gross and awful and why should my family feel bad for me? Truly am having the toughest time telling the difference. Everytime I say it’s just thoughts I find myself saying no it isn’t. you have the urge to do things. Idk what to do.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I hear you. I know how confusing this stuff can get. I'm here to listen if you want :)

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous i’m just worried this isn’t OCD and that something is really wrong with me. I make the worst of every situation and sometimes try to get myself to think the worst possible things that I know no “sane” person would. Like how far until it no longer is OCD?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 I understand those feelings. OCD is weird, somehow getting us to think thoughts and have urges in ways that don't feel intrusive but of our own choice. And if that's not OCD, then I guess that makes two of us who aren't sane.

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I really appreciate you

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 I appreciate you too. And try not to take what I said as reassurance. I can't tell you if you're sane or not. But I can be there and listen to you. Did you have your session today yet?

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I did not, I have it later today. I had one yesterday as well

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 Okay. If when you have your session you want to tell me how it went, whether good or bad, I'll listen. I do hope it goes well. And even if a session doesn't go the way you want it to, it doesn't mean therapy won't help. If you'd like to tell me more about yesterday's session you could

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous thank you. in yesterdays session we just went over my fear and response list about my POCD and came up with exposures that i’m going to start. but as I was explaining my symptoms my therapist did say that “it isn’t that alarming” which took me down a spiral. because i started thinking what does she mean by “not that alarming” and what would alarm her? because some of my thoughts are alarming and maybe won’t be ocd and it’ll be something more serious. so i’ve been thinking about that practically all day plus having more intrusive thoughts that won’t stop

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 She only said that to try to validate you. What she meant was, "It's not alarming to me like you might be afraid of people being alarmed by your thoughts. You don't alarm me -- you're just another person who's been suffering with these thoughts because of OCD. You can tell me you're scariest thoughts and I'm sure I won't be alarmed, I'll keep in mind the context that you have OCD." If you want, you could tell her the scariest thing about your obsession, and see how she reacts. But I can't provide reassurance -- I can't guarantee that there isn't something that would alarm her or not. I understand how your feeling though. And with all the urges and thoughts someone with OCD can have... it complicates seeing the line between OCD and actual danger. And I know that some things that are said which are meant to be comforting ends up making us obsess.

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous thanks, I appreciate that. it really is tough. It feels like she said it wasn’t too alarming but the questions she was asking to make sure was making me doubt myself

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 What kind of questions, may I ask?

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous yeah so when I told her I had a vivid image about hurting my little cousin and that I may have even felt an urge she asked what kind of urge and if my cousin pissed me off and i was mad at her but i wasn’t. there was no rhyme or reason for it. and she asked me if i felt like the thoughts were distressing and i wanted them to go away or if i was distressed because i wanted to do the things i thought. and having ocd that was hard for me to answer because i don’t know which then made me thing maybe i am distressed because i want to do the things which isn’t ocd bc ocd is being distressed about the thoughts in general.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 So, I get similar thoughts about hurting people and animals. And my previous anger issues don't help me feel better. But sometimes I get thoughts of hurting people when I am angry -- even though I think they're still intrusive thoughts. Even if someone was distressed because they wanted to do the thoughts, I'm not sure that means it isn't OCD. I don't know why you're therapist asked those things for sure. She might not have been trying to suggest anything by it. If you want, you could ask her for clarification as to why she asked that. I don't really have a good reason why I bring this up, I just remembered it. Once I texted a crisis line (for completely different struggles) and they just asked me a bunch of questions, and asked me three times if I had thoughts of hurting people (even though I didn't say anything to suggest that), and then they just ended the conversation. It felt like they were just making sure I wasn't a threat, then left.

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous thank you for that. It’s just all very overwhelming and i latch onto any and everything

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 I understand. That's okay. OCD is very overwhelming. I won't judge. Sorry my previous reply was so long btw

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous no apology needed! thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable. you aren’t alone either

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 No prob. Thanks. How're you feeling about your session today?

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous i’m not sure. a little nervous because it’s hard to share the thoughts but also glad i have someone who understands. just really want to get better bc it’s been affecting work, my relationships, and just my life and how much i am able to enjoy things around me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@overthinker1234 I hope you can get better too. I know how disrupting OCD can be

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous thank you

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

and I know some people say just the fact that you feel awful about it means it’s OCD. but sometimes i’m like i’m just saying these things for people to say that to me and i really dont have ocd. it’s a vicious downward cycle and idk what to do. also read about how someone read about a pedophile who had thoughts but didn’t act on them so what makes them different from me???

anonymouss444

Date posted: 1y

this is basically meta ocd. its making u question about ur ocd. telling urself that its just ocd wont help (as uve already done and found zero results). i wud recommend u to talk to an ocd specialist.

overthinker1234

Date posted: 1y

@anonymouss444 I am seeing an OCD specialist

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

I don’t want to keep doing this

some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame

monte333

Date posted: 24w

Back to struggling

I posted yesterday that I was feeling better than usual, now I’m not. I knew it could happen that I start to feel bad again. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst it’s been so far but that can’t be true because nothing has changed I’m always afraid of doing something bad, have done something bad, or are capable of doing something bad. I posted a TW on this post just in case. My main thing is I’m afraid of being a certain kind of bad person. I won’t mention it I know people will understand probably who I mean. I know it’s an OCD type, and I’ve been looking up different instances of people with this same subtype and sometimes I find someone in my same situation and I feel relief, for a moment at least. But then I think I might be different. I’m seeing my therapist Friday, and I’m always nervous talking to them because I want to not sound like I’m crazy. Sometimes I’m like you must’ve done something bad to feel this way or, you’re a bad person and should feel bad. There’s so much I wish I could do to help with this. I fall back into a spiral anytime I feel better because I feel like why would I feel good now if I wasn’t before. Sorry for the rant everyone. I just feel bad now and I’m worried I’ll never feel normal again. Hopefully someone else has felt or feels the same. I want to not feel like this, I wish I could go back to when I was young and undiagnosed to get the correct diagnosis early. I feel like my meds aren’t helping anymore which is concerning because like my anxiety should be gone right? Idk, and idk why I have felt really good recently but now after spiraling I’m back at it. Sometimes I’m worried it’s not ocd even though I have plenty of signs AND was officially diagnosed. Again sorry for the long post, just needed to air out how I felt

Catlove9

Date posted: 23w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

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