@Worst person in the world People have said to me before that people with harm ocd are usually the most gentle people and the least likely to do something bad. To be honest for my own peace of mind I would prefer to believe that someone is either good or bad I don’t like the existence of there being an ‘in between’ obviously there are people who have good traits and bad traits but when it comes to ‘evil’ or people who would commit crimes I would prefer to believe you can only be evil or good, in fact this is the whole reason I ended up in this mess. Before I had ocd I did use to have harm intrusive thoughts now and again which bothered me but I read up about it being normal to have intrusive thoughts now and then and that pretty much everyone has them and that kept me with a peace of mind. Then I watched this horrible documentary (I regret so much) I’ve always been very sensitive can’t really watch anything violent, but I’m almost 20, thought I could handle it but clearly couldn’t. So I watched the documentary and the thing about it that spiralled me into a panic and what made me start having ocd is because the documentary was about a man who was living a ‘normal’ life got married had kids did normal dad things and one day killed them all, it shattered my whole perception of what a ‘bad’ person was because suddenly it seemed like it’s possible for someone living a ‘normal’ life to turn evil and that made me panic so much, to me I always believed that evil people couldn’t live ‘normal’ looking lives, I mean I don’t know if that man was ‘pretending’ to be normal and maybe plotting all along as some sick fantasy but it scared me so much because suddenly I thought it’s possible to be normal and become evil. To be honest I’m not even sure if I occurred some sort of trauma from that documentary, towards the end of watching it, i physically started shaking (this has never happened in my life) the fear was so immense that I was shaking and this went on for days, I couldn’t stay at home anymore and I followed my mum to work and it remember sitting next to my mum at work and shaking the whole time from being so gripped with fear. Also the intrusive thoughts that bother me the most are about smothering and in that documentary that’s how that evil person killed his family, so I don’t know if that’s why those thoughts bother me more than other intrusive thoughts. But to me, maybe if someone made you angry or insulted you or mocked your family or something then that’s the only instance where I think you could ‘like’ a thought of ‘punching’ someone or something like that, but ‘fantasising’ to me is not something someone who is good can feel about having a violent thought. I feel like if your a good person and have a conscious you can’t ‘fantasise’ about a violent thought. Also there was this influencer on tiktok I use to watch his live videos and I’m going to be honest I use to watch him because I found him attractive and that ‘attraction’ use to distract me from my ocd so I use to watch him almost everyday throughout the whole of my ocd starting, he was a very kind person always very sweet and polite, you could tell he really loved his family a lot and cared for them a lot, he was from another country thought and couldn’t speak much English. Anyways so fast forward down the line, I find out that his mum recently divorced his dad and this guy I watch caught his mum with another man she had been dating and killed him. (It would have to be someone I watch, what luck) but I spoke to one of his friends and apparently it was an ‘honour’ killing and where he is from anyone would have done that because the mum ‘cheating’ on the dad was unacceptable. So technically he’s now a bad person because he’s killed someone, but he done it because in his culture that’s what their taught from a young age to do, that mentality is built into them, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him because he seemed like the sweetest person ever in a lot of his videos he was hugging his dad and making affectionate videos with his brother and friends and I still don’t think he was a bad person, because had his mother not cheated, and with that mentality of ‘honour killing’ he never would have done that, it’s still completely wrong but I can’t help but feel sad that a kind/sweet person felt like they had to do that to preserve honour to their family or that he felt so much anger to do that is just awful. I honestly miss him, it felt like he helped me deal with my ocd since it was a distraction it’s ironic how all the people I could have found to watch online and the one I choose happens to do something bad like that.
