Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Does anyone have any tips to improve mental health I keep on having suicidal thoughts and I'm always so angry I really need tips to help me deal with this

When my OCD first latched itself onto my sexual orientation 7 years ago, it scarred me bad. My gf at the time, was coming out of a same sex relationship and overcoming previous abuse when she entered a relationship with me. Looking back, my OCD was really starting to show then and during one moment while we were having sex OCD struck. The next day I was admitted to a hospital due to suicidal thoughts that were accompanying the obsessive orientation thoughts. While I was allowed to leave a day later, the absolute numbness I felt the moment those thoughts kicked in and the weeks after are something I’ll never forget. During this time I was diagnosed with GAD. Looking back and now knowing of mental compulsions, I can see why I was diagnosed that way because my compulsions were almost all in my head. I remember discovering SO OCD during this time and instantly it clicking what I was going through, but I ignored the OCD aspect. The treatment I was receiving for GAD wasn’t working so I stopped, and with the help of Lexapro and avoidance, I “got better” Slowly the thoughts regarding my sexual orientation faded and OCD targeted other fears, all the while I suffered in silence never acknowledging that I had OCD. During those 7 years, while some situations I handled better than others whenever I saw someone who was openly gay or who I assumed was gay, it felt like I would get punched in the gut, the memory of the event from years before causing my head to throb. But I would just force myself to think of something else and make memories go away. I now see how bad this was, and how me never getting the help I needed only let this theme of my OCD grow bigger all while I fed him unknowingly with this fear and gave into compulsions with others. At the start of my current flare up thinking back to all these thoughts and memories that occurred over the 7 years was hard. My OCD used this as proof that I’ve known all this time and was just afraid to accept it. Now that I’m in a much better headspace thanks to getting the help I needed, I see how this was all OCD this whole time. While I do wish I had gotten help for this condition when I first discovered I showed signs of it, whatever actions I have chosen in that time have led me to being here today with my amazing wife, who has been my rock through this, and an incredible daughter, with my son on the way and for that I am grateful. So if you did read it this far, thank you! And I wish you nothing but success it your journeys of conquering OCD. And while I know this will be a battle I will still be fighting even when I conquer it this time, and am thankful to now have the tools ready to deal with it and highly encourage anyone to get the help they think they need.

My OCD Story! Wow..where do I start? Honestly things are a bit blurry when I dive back to when my whole life crashed and burned. I guess I should start with saying I am currently 27 and have been living with OCD for roughly three year. I have many forms of OCD. That being POCD, Harm OCD, ROCD, Self Harm OCD, and whatever else the OCD wants to throw at me😅. Now, taking it back before the OCD I was in a 6yr relationship and was engaged. Unfortunately for a year, I basically lived another life on Twitch and joined a community where I became really good friends with these two girls. Well for a year I hid it from my ex- fiancé but I became overwhelmed with so much guilt and shame I came clean to her. That was my breaking point. Looking back, I had OCD moments with previous jobs and in sports where I would be reciting this procedure for my old job before I would allow myself to do anything but this was before I knew of OCD. Anyways, once I came clean to my ex fiance, I became SO obsessive over making sure I came clean about EVERYTHING. Making sure I found every last message, making sure nothing would come up in the future and "bite" me. I remember my ex was even willing to move forward but I couldn't. The pain was inescapable. I couldn't stop the racing thoughts which led to suicidal thoughts. I never had any intentions but back then I didn't know how to handle it. Well, safe to say that landed me in my first of two inpatient stays. At first, they shoved me out the door with medication but a day later, I still couldn't stop the shame and guilt. So that's when I was admitted. I think I was 24 at the time and that was the scariest time of my life. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was having all these thoughts and fears that I didn't know how to make stop. They tried me on all these medications and none really worked. The hospital I stayed at was poor as far as mental health care. There was only one nurse who actually talked to me and tried to understand. I wish I remembered her name because she was the best part. It made me sad to see such poor care for mental health institutions. But fast forwarding some time, I was doing okay but still having anxiety attacks and POCD fears, so my parents took me to another mental health hospital and again...I didn't feel like they knew what was going on with me. To me, it didn't seem like the hospitals actually cared to get to the bottom of what the patients were dealing with. Unless it was like clear signs of suicidal thoughts, drug addiction, or more. *Side note* I hope one day mental health institutions can get counselors and psychiatrist in there who have experience with OCD because myself and countless others go misdiagnosed. Well after a couple weeks I got out of the hospital and began seeing this therapist that my mom's therapist recommend and she specialized in OCD and had experience with ERP. Her name is Jennifer Gerlach with True Story Counseling and I credit her as one of the few who saved my life. Jennifer worked with me and understood me. She didn't just write me off and send me to the hospital. I still have the notecards we made in session that I use as my tools that we came up with to help the OCD. I worked with her for a year I think and in between that, my mom introduced me to this program called celebrate recovery that she attended on Friday nights. It's a faith based recovery program catered towards drug and alcohol abuse but it's for anyone with any hurts, hang ups, or habits. I had nothing to lose, so I went. That was the greatest decision I could've made because that is where I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my savior and what has really helped me in my recovery. Of course my faith started out rocky and still isn't perfect but God truly has saved me and changed my whole perspective with OCD and living life. So after some time seeing Jennifer, she sent me this link for NOCD where they had the "SOS" button and I began searching through the app and found the counseling part. Well, I was 25 at the time and was on my parents insurance, so I was blessed to be able to see Paulina (my NOCD therapist) fully covered. I can't express enough how amazing Paulina is. To this day, Paulina is still putting forth effort to help me continue the tools we've made and pushing me to face the darkness OCD can bring. I wanna cry thinking about how God lead me to her and has blessed her with the tools to help me live a life with OCD. I saw her the first time for 6 months until I turned 26 and fell off my parents insurance, so I couldn't see her anymore. That was a rough time for me because I was so angry at the world for the way insurance companies work because I tried EVERYTHING to get back to NOCD. I was jumping through all these hoops trying to find an insurance that I could afford and was accepted by NOCD. I tried everything and nothing panned out. I was defeated because I felt I was finally making progress and just like that, I was "robbed". During that time I kept working with Jennifer, my old therapist, and still held onto hope I would one day be back with NOCD. That hope eventually started to run out and I was soon beginning tow crept I would never get back to NOCD. Well..God was working in the darkness because he made a way. One random day at work, I saw on Instagram that Howie Mandel partnered with NOCD and I left a comment under NOCD's post about my experience, how it helped me, and how I'd hope to be back there. I truly believe God put it on this man's heart because the CEO of NOCD reached out to me and blessed me with therapy sessions back with Paulina. Those sessions have came to an end but again, God blessed me as my insurance is finally covered. There's a small co-pay but I am thankful I can continue working with Paulina as needed. Which with life having "a mind of its own", the ups and downs can come and go at any time. But that's where NOCD and our tools come in hand. That's where our support system comes in hand! I even earned the "OCD Conqueror" badge on NOCD back in October. Receiving that brought tears to my eyes. I never thought I would get something like that. But it goes to show that WE still can continue to live our lives to the fullest. I don't want to make it seem like it's the easiest thing in the world to do because I still have my hard times with OCD. Exposures are always finding me. Everywhere I go lol. I work in a mall, so I'm constantly being faced with exposures. Even now, this past month has been grueling as Harm OCD has shattered my confidence and I've been having doubts. I let what I know as truth get clouded by "what ifs" and thoughts. Recovery isn't about how many days we can go without experiencing intrusive thoughts, or how many times we don't experience anxiety in the midst of triggers. I myself have gotten lost in that way of thinking and it just makes it harder on ourselves when we do stumble. The greatest way we can beat OCD, is take our life back! Continuing to practice Exposure Response Prevention therapy (ERP) with our counselor and slowly we will continue to take back what is rightfully ours. Again, some days are so hard. Some days I feel defeated. Mentally and physically drained. But I remember my tools and God always grants me rest to wake up the next day and conquer. My old therapist gave me an example of two people with OCD and who's living with it the best. One person, stays inside...doesn't have any triggers but avoids outside and living for that reason. Or, the other person who deals with triggers constantly but continues living their life going to work, laughing with friends, enjoying their favorite hobbies. Now which person is living with OCD better? I made a promise to myself that I would do anything in my power to continue living my life the way I want and NOT how the OCD wants. My hope is that OCD continues to get the awareness it truly deserves so all of us can get the care we deserve. I want anyone who reads this to know, I am in this fight with you. Don't try and place a timestamp on when you should be "fixed". Live life one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. I've been in therapy for OCD for around three years and while I'm still being tripped up, I am living my life. I love to go to the gym, play the game, laugh with friends, and seeing my dog, Bevo. Hang on to the little things that make you happy. I promise that leaning on those "little things" can help in those dark times. I pray the awareness for OCD continues to spread and those out there like you and myself can get the proper help we truly need. Hang in there, okay? There is hope for all of us. Things do get better! Much Love. 💚

Hi. My name is Alec. I've had this app for a year, maybe less, but never used it really. I don't know why, if it's a lack of motivation, or confusion about myself. Maybe a lot of things, piling on top of each other, day in, day out. I've had no platform comfortable sharing things with, no real community to try and be a part of, because I couldn't take the first step. I'm shooting a light into a dark night here and I don't know where this is going but here I am. I don't know what medical issues I've had, and my whole life it feels like whatevers been going on with me has been swept under the rug or categorized as just another part of autism. I may be on the spectrum with aspergers, diagnosed, but it always felt like there was something else, like these people just generalize my brain into something easy to work with. Well it's not. My brain has periodic attraction to minors, but that's being nice for the sake of it. They're kids. KIDS. And any time I've wanted to come out and get some help, maybe float the idea of someone coming out to people with that issue, I always hear the same response. Commit suicide, people like that deserve death. "If you in any way are attracted to kids, there is no excuse, people like that should be;" shot, stabbed, raped, etc. So I never have seeked anything or anyone out for help, and just sat in my own disgust and lust that I've grown numb to it. I think my brain obsessively targets a mindset to make myself feel less bad about drawn porn of the content, because that's all it's been, growing numb to sickening ideas and maybe even normalizing it. You can never be as mad at me or anything as I am, because I have to deal with these thoughts just about every day. I don't know if it's much better, but I don't look up CP. While I can't help these strange obsessive attractions, I've put so much energy directing it into fictional porn, specifically the drawn stuff, just so I couldn't be tempted in real life, and seems to be working so far, but if I can snuff out this issue for good, I don't know how I'd feel, but I hope relieved. That's simply a smaller chapter in my life, despite its vulgarity, so still be aware that I am being vulnerably open right now to a bunch of strangers that may not want to see this. I dont know. I really don't. There has been no option for me that I could find, and I'm already past the option for suicide, so I'm just crossing fingers that maybe some answer will come to because who can afford a therapist when they have no money, and listen to the comments of an ultimatum for various problems probably associated with a mental issue is murder or some twisted version of justice? I simply just want to figure out what's wrong with me, and maybe even fix all of my mental problems and blocks, despite this being an app for a target group of people. Maybe this is my root, who knows. But thank you anyways.

I've probably been worse than this before, but there are times at the moment I fear for my sanity. I calm myself down, but it's so easy to get myself in state that I'm constantly on edge and can't relax. I recently had a routine cancer test come back negative, and I actually wish at times it had been positive so I could just say goodbye to loved ones and then die quietly - whilst still myself. I know the reality would be nothing like that, as I've seen first-hand what cancer does, but I'm tired and emotional. Still on waiting list for counselling at local practice. Just want to feel normal again.

feels extra real today, like i’m actually going to do it. i want to cry

I’ve fallen into another on going episode of OCD one of my worst ones, this happens often where I’ll be in remission for about a month or so then my OCD flares up for a couple months. My most reoccurring form of OCD is relationship OCD though I suffer from others as well. My overthinking about my girlfriend and our relationship is tormenting my mind. She’s a wonderful woman and my thoughts my horrible thoughts have been making our time together insufferable but not to her but to me, normally I love being around her and even going through this I adore her and want to always be with her, I keep my thoughts to myself for the most part but she notices that I’m not ok but I can’t tell her what I’m thinking cuz I don’t want to make her feel like I just think she’s horrible or not loyal to me. She is and she loves me very much and does her best to ease my mind. I just feel like such a problem and my thoughts drive me crazy I literally hold my head and cry just wanting the thoughts to stop they flood my mind unintentionally and cause me great emotional pain…I wanted to just end myself today to just be done with it.. but ik she’d be crushed if I did, that’s all that’s keeping me alive. My mind is my biggest enemy and I can’t silence it. Please help anyone I don’t care if you think I’m overreacting I probably am just please how do I make them stop? How can I stay alive…

Receiving the email congratulating me on 6 months was a pleasant surprise this morning. When I was notified that I received my conquerer badge back in October, I was feeling pessimistic and not nice towards my progress, so I didn’t share it. But, I’ll share this achievement. I was finally diagnosed with OCD at 31. I’ve been in therapy with NOCD for a little over 2 years. When I started ERP, I went in blind, not knowing what to expect. The work was really, really hard. I had to learn how to undo years of mental compulsions and OCD-related habits. I was constantly tired, scared, and mentally exhausted. I took life day by day. If you’re in ERP, you’re probably familiar with the pattern of starting an exposure, feeling really scared, doing all of the hard work, until that exposure gets easier and easier, and you cross it off your list. Then you start the next one. My journey was sitting in my car for my therapy sessions, going to work after, and doing my exposures during the week. I cried often, i got frustrated with myself for not doing my exposures “perfectly,” for not being able to do things like a “normal” person. But then, I noticed changes. I realized instead of just feeling fear, or apprehension—I was also feeling that I could get through the exposures. My mindset went from “I don’t want to do this, it’s too much, I miss my comfort zone of compulsions,”—to “ugh, I don’t want to do my homework, but I will-because I know this is my way through.” Here is what I can do now, in my life, that I could not do years ago: I can use public restrooms. I can drive further than 20 minutes on the freeway. I drove about 4 hours all together last weekend. I can drive at night again. I used to love it, ocd took it away from me, but I took it back. I drove in the pouring rain on the freeway today, and I forgot to be scared. I joked with my friend instead as I drove. I care so much less about what people think of me, in small moments (how I look being new to the gym, how I appear in public doing simple things). When thoughts of death come up, I can dismiss them. I’m not afraid to be around my grandmother (I feared emotional contamination for years and years and years). I still have hard days. Last month, I thought I was going to relapse. Starting medication was really hard, because of the unknown. But here’s the magic of ERP—you develop the skills, and you don’t lose them. I worked through my fears of relapse over a new theme, I was honest with my therapist-and I bounced back. I bounced back so much quicker than I thought I would. I still struggle with grief, of things ocd took a hold of. I’m still working on acceptance. But I’m finding my values and living my life according to them. I can be my authentic self. Wherever you are at in your journey-you will find the peace you’re looking for. You are all more than your OCD. If you haven’t found that yet, you will. And I can’t wait to hear about it.

Can others with suicidal ocd share some common symptoms they noticed/experience with this theme?

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore and i feel hopeless. i’m so uncomfortable as a girl now, i look at my body and i get extremely uncomfortable wtf? i used to love my body. i get uncomfortable when people call me a girl and by my name. there’s no way this isn’t becoming real im so sad it feels like the only way out of this is to die or become a boy. every morning i wake up feeling off? idk how to explain it but i just feel weird the second i wake up. i find no joy in anything i used to do i cant even relate to things about girls anymore. i feel so sad and i really need advice. if this is real please straight up tell me that i need to be transgender and don’t sugar coat it.

I started my OCD journey not long ago, yet for people with OCD or other forms of mental illness, not long can seem like an eternity. For me, OCD has been with me my whole life, but it wasn’t until September of 2023 that I let OCD begin running my life. I was in a constant state of fear, panic, and confusion. Thinking that every disturbing thought I had defined who I was. Thinking that every disturbing or terrifying thought meant I was going crazy or I was doomed to be this way forever. Thinking that, “there’s no medicine, no therapy, no remedy on Earth that could help me and that I was somehow different or worse than anyone else.” And you know what? I believed those thoughts….and I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t win. I have been an athlete my entire life. Played football for 17 years and was always competitive no matter what I was doing. So to me, I saw OCD and Mental Illness as something I could just…learn to beat and be rid of forever. Like the big scary boss you face at the end of a video game. But I was wrong… instead, thinking I could just be rid of OCD forever, actually spiraled into many different OCD types that made my life worse. Suicide OCD, Harm OCD, Existential OCD, and this would turn into full blown panic because I thought my mind was just going to break permanently and I’d be ruined forever. And with my competitive spirit, I constantly felt I was losing, and losing so bad you didn’t want to even try anymore. BUT! I decided that it was time to just… do something. I hated feeling this way, and for those of you that suffer alone i did or still do, you’d do literally ANYTHING to be rid of OCD. I took that statement and said, “I and going to do whatever I need to!” Now, everyone is different! And everyone will react differently to different medicines and different therapies. For me, I refused to take SSRI’s of any kind. Why? Because OCD made me believe that if I took them, only the negative side effects would take over and I would only get worse and worse. My thought pattern was, “ya, if I take this, it could change my life for the better, but what if it makes me want to commit suicide or become so depressed that it becomes my reality?” That alone, scared me so badly that I couldn’t take them because I couldn’t control how my body would react to them. If you currently take them and they work for you, I AM SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL YOU HAVE FOUND SOMETHING THAT HELPS YOU!!! I also didn’t do therapy. Why? Not becuase I didn’t believe in the miracle of ERP or other talk therapies, it is something I wanted more than anything, but couldn’t because my insurance barely covered anything and I couldn’t afford it out of pocket. And my finances was already something that I constantly worried about enough. If you are in therapy, IM PROUD OF YOU AND I PRAY IT IS HELPING YOU OVERCOME YOUR STRUGGLES!! So? What did I do? I learned. I learned. I learned. I learned and studied what OCD is, what it does to you, and how it tricks you. I learned and read many stories of those who are affected by OCD daily and I saw that I was not in fact different or broken. Am I messy? Yes! But humans are messy, and I learned to come to peace with that fact. In addition to learning about others and their stories, I also talked to people about what they did and how they learned to manage. In other words, I sought wisdom of others because I wanted to learn I wasn’t alone! I learned what was making my thoughts worse, and what made my thoughts subside. I learned that OCD is not something I’ll ever be rid of, but rather, something I need to embrace as if it is another piece of me…because it is and always will be. I learned, that while OCD cannot be cured… it can be managed! It can become quieter and you can get your life back! For the past 9 months, all I have worried about is, “what will become of me because I have this incurable illness?” And I know how afraid you feel and how lost and hopeless it can seem. I know! And so does everyone here. I just want you all to know, that you can win! You can overcome! You are stronger than what your mind wants you to think! And in the end, you will become an even better version of yourself for having faced this journey head on.

To see my life now compared to two years ago is unbelievable. There has been such a dramatic shift between who I was then and who I am now. I had my first intrusive thought at age 11. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with OCD until I was 36. I never knew what it was but was glad to put a name to it. A lifetime of suffering. I have struggled with at least four subtypes of OCD. POCD, SO-OCD, Self-Harm/ Suicide OCD, and ROCD. I can now look back on moments throughout my life and say, “wow, that was OCD and I didn’t even know it.” Regardless of the subtype, it’s all OCD. And when you learn how to adjust your behavior and response accordingly, you can heal. I started with my NOCD therapist in January of 2023. I avoided everything-people, places, church, things I loved…all because of OCD. I used sleeping as an avoidance behavior. I couldn’t even drive down the road and go grocery shopping without feeling anxious and triggered. I was ready to do something different. The meds were not working for me. Sure they helped the anxiety and depression to a degree, but they didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts which is what I wanted them to do. I now know and fully understand that you cannot stop your thoughts. You cant stop your obsessions BUT you can control how you react to them. Recovery is not linear by any means and I’ve had MANY ups and downs the past year and a half. But I’m here. I have made it to the other side. And it’s a beautiful place. If you made it this far in reading this, thank you. I want you to know there is hope. You can reach recovery and you can begin to heal. ERP saved my life. I can now step out into situations and settings without totally falling apart. I have learned to handle discomfort. I can spend time with my family, do the things I love and enjoy my life again. Most importantly, I have learned to be self-compassionate. If you’ve been hesitating to start ERP with an OCD specialist, I hope I can encourage you to make that step. It changed me in a wonderful way and I’m so thankful to be equipped with the tools to manage OCD for life!

I'm tired of life

im about to give up. im struggling and nothing helps.i dont wanna be here anymore with these thoughts and fears.

I've been pent up and I know I am but I'm scared to mas****** cuz what if I'm doing it cuz I'm turned on by the thoughts I'm having or think of it during and get off on it. I have been unable to have alone time, havent even tried, just thinking about it scares and disgusts me. this isnt normal. I feel like I want to sometimes and it'll just remind me of the thoughts, sometimes they dont even turn me off. I've never had a sexual relationship before, I dont remember ever being turned on by someone my age or older and sometimes when I have these thoughts I feel like they turn me on. That's what causes the panic most of the time. now when I even look at kids I feel like I have a reaction that I don't want happening. I cant tell if its panic making me feel this way or if its cuz sometimes I pay more attention to my groin to see if it causes a reaction, sometimes I'm not paying attention to it and I have a reaction or what feels like one. In the past when things like this have popped up when i was *yk* it didnt make me feel good, didn't help me finish, it turned me off. I keep reminding myself of that. But having these thoughts sometimes make me feel like I want to touch myself, I don't, I never will after thinking them. I'm scared. children and BABIES aren't sexually attractive. I know that. but it feels like my body doesnt. I am on my period right now, I know it's affecting my hormones but that doesn't change the fact I'm thinking these things, and that any little reaction or feeling I have down there reminds me of those thoughts. Even if its pain, the pain will make me think it because its in that region. I have had these thoughts happen before a few years ago and they went away eventually, I didn't touch myself then either but I had dreams and I know one time the dream (more like nightmare) involved a child. I didn't do anything in the dream nor did the kid, but in the end when I woke up I got off. I was delirious, tired and horny but not delirious enough not to remember it and it's haunting me now. Why was I horny?? cuz of a kid I dreamed of?? a child!!?? just thinking about it now is making me shaky and sick, but why didn't it then?? I think I need serious help, what if this isn't pocd what if I'm just a p***?? I want help so bad. I want to fix this, if it carries on any longer, if I can't get help soon, I might just ki** myself. I'd rather do that than any of the other things my body feels like it wants. It's disgusting and wrong, I'd never hurt a child the way my mind keeps telling me I would, and I'd never do it to get off. So WHY am I having a reaction to these thoughts?? I've tried to acknowledge them without actually accepting them, but it doesn't feel like it's helping. It's just daily panic and confusion.

So rocd keep making me thinking my girlfriend and sick of me, tired, bored and has lost interest. I am resisting my compulsions of talking and asking her about this, facing a lot of anxiety and distress. Two days ago she apologized for being distant and that she feels bad for acting like that and thinks its hurting me. I comforted her. She also said she doesnt know How to express herself Very well and I noticed this even before we started dating. Thing is I didnt say anything to her about my rocd and I always try to look Fine and always try to make she feel better. This made my rocd calm down for a while. It was like a reassurance and now rocd is coming all over again. I fear this because when I listen to rocd I feel extremely depressed and with suicidal thoughts. Last time this happened I started hurting myself and I fear acting out of this and trying to kill myself. Tomorrow I Will talk to my therapist, but I dont know If I Will talk about this, about my girlfriend and us. Sometimes I want to ask my therapist help and sometimes I feel like I am Just deceiving myself into thinking my girlfriend likes me. I dont know what to do.

I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore, everyone else in my life just knows whether or not they’re a bad person and what they’re attracted to, I’m on medication and whilst that helps with the anxiety I’m never going to feel certain that I’m not a bad person so what’s the point in it anymore - I’ve been suffering for years and I just want it to stop. I genuinely don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for besides the people I love.

Anyone else get so deep into the OCD cycle that they can barely disprove the thoughts anymore? Compulsions don’t even help me anymore. I have no relief. I have been thinking about taking my life every day and have no will to live anymore. I can’t see my future, have no idea what life is anymore. I look in the mirror and have a panic attack because I feel like I don’t know the person looking back at me.

I think I might be bipolar keep on having mood swings I go from okay to sad to suicidal to homicidal I don't know why I keep on thinking about killing myself and other people I want to tell my school therapist but I'm scared that she'll be afraid of me I don't know what to do I don't want to hurt anyone but I keep on hearing voices telling me to kill people that I don't like and I can't take it and to kill myself I don't know what's wrong with me I've thought about killing people before when I really got overwhelmed with my thoughts but everyday now I'll keep on thinking about killing myself and other people what should I do I don't know where to go for help because I feel like I'll get in trouble

I grew up very conservative and strict and it definitely fed my ocd. I parted ways with religion because of how I never felt “good enough” even though I tried to follow all of the rules. This was after my church community escorted me from the campus because of the rumor that I was gay, even though I was an 18 year old and had poured my heart and soul into to ministry. Now, even though I’m not religious, I still get so afraid about god and religion and that I’m being “called back to god” like my parents and family begs in their prayers for me every day. Like certain numbers or sayings either feel like messages from god or messages from the devil to try and trick me. The thing is that now, I finally have a comfortable life after being abandoned because they thought I was gay, and I’ve finally rebuilt and have so much better of a life. But I keep getting painful thoughts that this is all a rouse and that satan is intentionally making my life “comfortable” (which I still face a lot of stuff because I have had to grow up and figure things out myself) to trick me from coming back to god. Even though I was severely abused and harmed and manipulated by that community, I’m so scared they are right and that me fighting for my freedom was all a waste, and that I’m going to hell. I do things to mitigate this now like burn incense and repeat phrases and other things but I’m so scared that “god” is trying to save me and call me back to him, and that the people who harmed me so bad were right to and should even more now. It’s so disheartening because I truly feel like I have worked hard to find love and safety with my loving partners and found family. But to my parents, and to my ocd, I’m just living in sin awaiting hell. How do I “expose” myself to this? Like how to I break the fear? It’s lead me to do harmful things to myself, like pulling my head out, scratching, hitting myself, and some other self harm that I feel like I can’t control. It’s really impacting my life and my loved ones now who have seen me conquer so much are now seeing me in such a dark place, and it hurts them too. So the question is are these things signs from god for me to leave this beautiful and safe life I’ve built to fling myself back into a life that is physically and emotionally painful but for the sake of my soul? Or just my ocd that probably stems from growing up in that environment?