Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’ve had very weird sexual religious thoughts and it has had a bad effect on my image of God and who he really is.

Hey everyone I just wanted to come on here and spread some encouraging words about some years ago I started showing some symptoms of ocd I still do today things have been very hard they seem to get better then go back to the same ole it can get rough you may feel like giving up, feel unheard, feel like no one can help you but I promise there is help give your life to god and he can heal you in ways no other can just fully trust and believe in him things will get better it’s only a matter of time trust I’ve suffered some of the hardest times this one really tragic event happen my intrusive thoughts were through the roof I was so scared I couldn’t eat, drink, shower, be on my phone or anything this lasted for a while I had to force myself to shower and eat but I still couldn’t during I contacted my aunt that’s a therapist she gave me some techniques to work through and redirect those thoughts it seemed to work for a little minute like 15 minutes maybe but I let those thoughts weigh me down again all the anxiety, panic attacks, depression, fear, worrying still to this day I can catch myself this way including intrusive thoughts that don’t seem to give me a break, constant fear and worrying, anxiety and the list goes on but I’m trusting and putting my faith in the lord that there will be a change talk to him guys also try a therapist here on this earth he placed professional people to talk to on this earth for reasons like this there’s been times where I’ve hated myself I wanted to give up I wanted god to take me off this earth even begged him at times feeling like my mom or no one really understood me thinking am I crazy is there something wrong no there’s nothing wrong, it would be like why am I having these thoughts this isn’t me please take them away and it just didn’t seem to get better but there is hope guys I am a living witness & so are many others this path can be rough but don’t you give up you may feel as if god doesn’t hear you but he does he does everything in the right timing 🙏🏽!! I love you all & god’s got you don’t beat yourself up! Psalms 23 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. A great gospel song hhpg- Yahweh- George alao, simmidele Tobi walker. Also guys look up Bible scriptures that relate to what your going through they will help God loves you all he’s a forgiving god!!!

My heart is hardened towards God. I don’t feel bad for anything anymore. I feel dissociated from myself. My physical body is here but I am not TRULY here. I don’t care about my soul anymore because i just don’t want to worry and be anxious. Am i in the wrong for this?

I hate sitting in my room with only me and my thoughts. I have lost my faith in the lord and can’t seem to get on with my life. I’m so stuck on everything and can’t seem to get better. I keep self harming and get to the point to where I see the second layer of my skin. It gets worse and worse each time I have suicidal thoughts. One of these days it’ll get so bad that well you can probably guess what I may do. I have been abused physically mentally and sexually in my past and it haunts me every single day of my life. Any time I try to talk to someone about my mental health they tell me I’m a waste of their time or that I need to talk to someone other than them. But all that does is make me keep it all bottled up and I can’t take it anymore. They say mental abuse is worse than physical and I can see why they say that. I just want a normal life so I don’t have to be depressed 24/7. It ruins my social life and it makes me loose my friends and family because of how distant I am. I just need help and please give me advice. Also sorry I’m not very good at explaining things.

I’ve been feeling very empty. After all these thoughts i just have genuinely no desire to seek God. And i find myself getting angry at God because he allows me to have these stupid thoughts about him. I’ve been feeling anger towards him. I have no desire just emptiness. Every time i open my bible i also feel like it’s boring and it won’t help me. And that if i try and seek God again, nothing will work because i’ll just get caught up again in this ocd cycle. I want to WANT to seek God. Has anyone felt like this?

Is anyone else here a Christian dealing with ocd? I could use some support because I've been having a hard time growing close to God ever since my ocd started getting bad. I deal with a lot of religious intrusive thoughts such as being unforgivable, or being cursed or possessed. What's some advice?

So ever since I was little now that I think about it I might have had ocd I would had what some would call rocd and have intrusive thoughts like I hate god or I sold my soul obviously being a kid I didn't know what ocd was cause I always thought it was about organization and etc but everytime I would have to do mental compulsion like everytime I got a thought like that I had to ask for forgiveness I eventually stopped as I got older and now I would call myself an agnostic but at the start of this year I started having intrusive thoughts about harming myself and others after I was having bad panic attack every day due to stress I obviously could tell I was not doing okay so started researching and found out about schizophrenia(worst thing I have ever done)my brain automatically went hyperaware of everything,every sound,vision etc also scared that I would go insane and hurt someone so anytime I would hear something or see anything I would get terrified thinking I could be hallucinating I remember even getting my mom to take me to the hospital it was so bad even tried to go to the 7th floor which is the floor for mentally ill patients but they just brushed it off and said it was probably due to anxiety so fast forward I start seeing a doctor he also said he didn't think I was schizophrenic after telling him a he prescribed me medication ssri 100mg He started actually doing better got another job and started doing well I still had the thoughts and fear of schizophrenia but didn't bother me that's when I had the thought what if my brother is trying to kill me that's when it spiraled with these thoughts having paranoid thoughts about what if people are plotting against me and not what ifs but they are but I 1000000000% don't believe them and know that's crazy no one is plotting or trying to hurt me but I became obsessed with this new thought and the new theme switched,I mean technically the same theme cause it is the fear of schizophrenia but the thoughts changed I guess probably because I researched so much about schizophrenia now I'm even more scared I'm becoming schizophrenic cause these paranoid thoughts worry me because I start to think what if I believe them like I know I don't but what if I do,I always see that schizophrenic are paranoid about this and I know I don't believe them but it's like my mind is always thinking about it I mean I could literally be walking outside,shopping,doing whatever I'm doing see someone and have the thought there plotting against me or trying to kill me and I'm like what noooooo what the hell who thinks that,a schizophrenic of course and I have to constantly research everyday my symptoms of paranoid thinking and it's hard because I hear everybody else relate to being scared of developing it but mine really does like I'm having actual paranoid thoughts that again I know is insane and not true I even got a therapist she also said she doesn't believe I have it but trauma she didn't say anything about ocd though so it's like what is it then schizophrenia these thoughts just distress me so much cause what if I start believing them and they feel so real cause most people have what ifs mine are they are but I still 1000000% don't believe them

I’m confused and idk how i feel. I feel empty. I feel like i don’t feel bad for my religious thoughts anymore and that maybe i’m having them on purpose??.. I don’t know how to explain. Has anyone else felt like this.?

Hello everyone! I’m from Italy and I’ve been in talking therapy from 2018. Been diagnosed with OCD in spring 2022 after years of crazy suffering (themes like religious and scrupolosity OCD, main theme POCD which brought me into depression and desperation. Nothing got better of course in the talking therapy). In summer 2022 I started being on Zoloft + informed myself with content on instagram that helped me SO much in making things better. So I decided to choose a behavioral-oriented specialist in ocd. Found one, started the treatment in summer 2023. The thing is, that we are not really doing ERP as I know it from online info. His explanation of OCD is that it comes from not being able to take a strong position in your life, in several things (indeed, I am a big people pleaser). So we are working on me being more able to stand for myself, which is good, and I see improvement. Also in obsessions. But then, when sometimes obsessions come back, I feel immediately the guilt of “ok so where didn’t I take my position”, because he’s usually telling me that obsessive episodes reappear in periods in which I’m not taking my position (and this would lead to trusting less myself, so obsessions come). But this seems to me to differ from all of the content that I find online. Also, he’s not really providing me help for what to do when I have the obsessions, or how to deal with harder exposing situations in which I find myself in my daily life. So in those occasions, I just try to manage by myself with the information I have. Can some specialized therapist tell me if this explanation/therapy is harmful for ocd, or if it’s fine? I’ve been questioning myself about this for a whole year now. It’s hard, because I wouldn’t want to change therapist again, and don’t want also to question the procedures of a specialized person. But I also want to treat my OCD as best as I can. Thank you very much!

This is just a petty rant, but has anybody else had this experience where you tell someone you have OCD and their response is “Really? 🤨 YOU?” I’m a pretty disorganized person. Cleaning isn’t easy for me, I’m not good at prioritizing small details, and my physical presentation is acceptable but not excessively neat by any means. So sometimes when I’ve told people who know me that I have OCD, they almost don’t seem to believe me, because their image of someone with OCD is “clean freak (but only in a convenient and acceptable way).” Things like cleanliness and symmetry have never been themes of mine. I’m sure those who have it can attest to the fact that those types of themes are very much not pretty up close, but the popular concept of OCD seems to encompass only that theme and only in “cute” ways. Like when people go “I’m so OCD haha I have to keep my car super clean!” And it’s just so frustrating, because it feels like people think you’re making it up if you don’t have whatever they’re looking for from your mental illness. It feels like they look at me and my messy spaces and go “If you had OCD, you would be more organized than this, so you probably don’t have it.” I developed religious OCD when I was seven. I mentally ‘erased’ sinful thoughts and raised my hand to get saved every Sunday because I was always afraid I didn’t mean it enough last time. I developed suicidal OCD at twelve. I hid pills from myself in the back of my dresser and refused to be home alone and laid on my floor for hours completely still because if I didn’t move I couldn’t hurt myself. I developed POCD at seventeen. I looked away from every commercial with a child in it, monitored every sensation in my body, hid in bathrooms during family gatherings because I thought I might be dangerous in a way I didn’t even know I was. I developed home invasion OCD at nineteen. I checked every lock day and night, kept a knife under my pillow, slept on the bathroom floor because I was sure if I opened the door someone would be on the other side waiting to hurt me. I developed existential OCD at twenty one. It’s been two years. I’m not a Christian anymore. I don’t want to be. I’ve found something different that makes me happier. I wonder every day if I’m demon possessed. I look for answers and find that everyone says they have them but nobody can prove it. I sit alone in my bedroom and beg for mercy from a god I don’t believe in, just in case. I almost want to die sometimes, but I can’t, because if I die I’ll get my answers, but if I’m wrong about what I believe I’ll fast track myself to eternal suffering. I look at my loved ones and their spectrum of beliefs with suspicion. Who of them is manipulating me? Who is being puppeteered by something evil? Who is just…wrong? If I could trust myself, I would, but I can’t. This is what OCD is for me. For a lot of us. This mental illness doesn’t exist to make our cars prettier for people without it to look at.

Today has been, not ideal, but better maybe? I actually was able to spend the night at a friend’s house. We went to a haunted house place, I was dressed as Mario. I kept getting these thoughts, what if I was uncomfortable with the Mario costume? It was very distressing. Halloween has been hard for me since I started my whole OCD journey. Last year, halloween was hard because my Harm OCD was at its peak. Halloween and scary movies would really trigger my thoughts. This year my theme has been identity typically pertaining to gender. Picking my costume was very triggering because I would look at the female costumes and I would be like “Do you want to wear those?” or “You want to wear a girl costume.” it was VERY hard. I’ve also been struggling with this crippling derealization, i’ll look around me and things just.. don’t feel right. They don’t feel real. My head is constantly spinning and honestly i’m just tired. And my question is, why? Why do these things happen to us as people? We’re given a gift, a chance at life, a chance to find all the beauty in every corner of our lives and yet we are plagued with a curse that most people don’t have to endure. Everyone has their issues.. everyone has their battles and endeavors. But why is that? Why do we struggle so much? What makes it worth it? I fight to survive, I grasp on to little shimmers of hope with my life. But it all fades.. and it’s back into the abyss. It’s overwhelming how insignificant our problems can be in the grand scheme of life.. I’m only 16, people say these are the glory days, the days I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. And yet, I’m living in constant torture. Constant pain, questioning, and suffering.. There was a point in time where I was so connected spiritually too. Where I felt like God heard me. I felt Him.. but lately I don’t feel that way. My psychiatrist and my mom think that this is me just self-sabotaging. And for all I know they may be right. All I know is I am tired of this. I am tired of every minute of my day being taken and controlled by OCD. I hate anxiety, I hate depression, I hate OCD, I hate it all. It makes me feel weak and futile. There was also a point in time where I saw the good in everything. I saw the light. When I was younger I was the friend that people could talk to when they needed a boost. Now I can hardly keep myself together. I miss the person I was. I miss that Landon. I miss that boy, who was kind, and optimistic, and tried his best in school and didn’t constantly question every aspect of living and only saw the good in everything and even people. I feel helpless, scared, and most of all alone. TOCD has been worse for me than harm. This theme has warped not only my identity but my sense of reality, my sense of hope, my sense of self. I just hope the Lord has a plan for me, that he’s working through me for something great..

I’d really appreciate any guidance or help people can provide. For context I’ve basically been struggling with OCD for a long time- probably from about the age of 13, however I was only properly diagnosed around the age of 21 (I’m now 28). I’ve seen a variety of therapists but only found a specialised OCD therapist at the age of 23. I’ve experienced a lot of themes from health OCD to religious themes to harm OCD. However the OCD type that has bothered me the most is sexual orientation OCD. Whilst the other themes have diminished with the help of exposure therapy, this seems to be the hardest to shake. Whilst I identify as a straight female I cant shake the doubt that I may be in denial and this isn’t actually my OCD. I think what’s making this spike so hard is that I had been effectively OCD free for four years. Through ERP with my therapist I had managed to fight back at my SOCD, met a wonderful man who I’ve now been in a relationship with for 5 years and been married for one year. Whilst we were in the butterflies in the tummy phase and planning our wedding, I never once thought about the possibility that I could be gay or bisexual. I was so in love with him that it didn’t matter to me. For context this is the only person I’ve had a meaningful relationship with or been intimate with. Basically we’ve settled into married life now and our relationship has changed, as it should to a commitment kind of love rather than that passion that consumes you kind of love. I think this combined with several negative events including the death of a family member, me experiencing my own physical health problems and extreme work stresses have made my OCD rear its ugly head. Despite my understanding of my condition and how it works, I keep thinking I’m in denial and secretly have been fighting against my sexuality all along. It’s particularly confusing when you have groinal responses and other things that prompt you to think you actually are gay. I’d like to emphasise that I am not in anyway homophobic. It’s more about my identity and my sexuality changing. Apologies for the long post I just feel as though it helps to give context.

If I trust my feelings more than my faith, I’m opening myself up to trickery and illusion. Feelings can and often are out of synch with morals and therefore I will not give them my power. My faith is my intellect. My feelings are instinctive.

Anxiety about having no spiritual practice or beliefs anymore due to existential OCD has torn it all to pieces along with any new ways of of seeing life and death. It all gets torn to pieces then I feel guilty and ridiculous because I’m so old and haven’t figured it all out or decided on a path yet despite decades of searching/studying etc…Resisting the compulsion to search and trying to sit with the void of uncertainty of what is true and what is not. VERY UNCOMFORTABLE and feels like a tortured soul. If there is one... oye. Halloween season has many triggers.

Sometimes I wonder am I going to have ocd when god brings me my person am I going to still have feelings for an ex will I ever cheat on him some of these are my worst fears what if I don’t pick the right guy and I mishear god what if I get him when I’m not ready to be able to love someone else I’m broken right now I know I am I still have trauma I know god will fix me one day I might not have the answers to my question but I feel like I have a little peace knowing god has it all taken care of it’s just hard to let go and let god sometimes may he help me and all of us

I am going insane. I have an extreme fear of going to hell and being deceived by the devil. I fear that God will send me to hell and that I am not perfect enough. I am so confused by different Christian doctrines that I am trying to disentangle from and feel so drained. I fear that if I watch movies, cook, do anything I like doing is displeasing to Gpd and considered vain. I fear demons and Ephesian 6:12 about principalities and powers. I feel like God is going to cause me to die in my sleep and that I am a child of the devil. I feel horrible after every mistake I make and have unintentional intrusive houghts of blasphemy and evil thoughts toward others I don't even mean. I just want to be normal again. I also experience hearing the voice of God and read deeply in to signs, prompting from God and the Holy Spirit. I hear God telling strange things to do and fear if I don't listen to this voice I will be in disobedience and be punished. Also church triggers my OCD as well as scriptures about punishment and God's wrath. I feel fearful that I might commit a sin and that I am on the devil's side. I just need help because I am really suffering badly. I don't know what else to do.

OCD often makes me feel distant from God. I often feel unforgiven, unloved, and even hated. In my head I often view God as someone who hates me and who is always constantly disappointed in me. My relationship with him feels like an Obligation now more than a relationship. I’m always on the cusp of becoming an atheist, but I always draw myself back because I don’t want to give up my faith so fast, even if it’s been 4-5 years of living like this. I’m often at war with myself daily. There is never a day that I feel as though if I do one small thing whether it be buy something or eat something that I’m going to end up in eternal damnation. And even though I know it’s only OCD and it’s cognitive distortions, I still feel uneasy.

I'm trying to find motivation, inspiration, a reason to start and get better. But everything I think of just gets shot down instantly in my head. Also, I've had so many bad experiences with professionals inside the healthcare system, not just for mental health but also physical health, that it has made me very critical of it, and as a consequence, I feel like OCD therapy is just rubbish. I feel my belief in healthcare has been stripped away, and therefore I don't feel anything can help me anymore. I'm bound to be walking with this forever. Throw in a lot of existential, meta, and nihilistic OCD views, and you have got my current situation. I have been thinking of maybe joining a church and becoming religious, maybe that will give me meaning? I hate that I don't find the meaning anymore from my 2 kids and wife, what is wrong with me? Been battling this disorder for 10 years now, but I feel it has come to the point where it has given me the ultimate insight, one that has shown me that I can never get out of it again because getting out of my current state is just something we as a society seem to think is normal. Who knows what is really normal? What if being anxious and passive and nihilistic is actually what we should be like? Another problem I'm facing is that I feel I've reached a point where I've tried everything and exhausted all knowledge, making it impossible to return to my unknowing self. I also have the idea or feeling that I've reached a state where I can no longer get enough motivation to make something of myself. I don't even know why I'm posting this message or doing anything at all. I think somewhere I hope that it can still go away or that things will get better. Even as I'm writing this right now, those doubtful thoughts are immediately surfacing again. Then I immediately feel feelings but also thoughts, and also just a kind of presence that says it doesn't matter and that everything is meaningless anyway, and that I know the truth of the universe and where the universe is just that nothing matters and that everything is flat, tasteless, and has no added value. All these thoughts keep going through my head.

I had intense scrupulosity this weekend. I am triggered by any sermons or scriptures relating to judgment, punishment or hell. I went to church today and the Pastor preached a strong meat sermon regarding God's judgement and sovereignty and remaining in the protection of God. This set my OCD off and made me mental review for past and current sins. I feel like I can never meet the cut and guilty. I fear that I love the devil and that I am hardened to sin. I fear going to hell and dying in my sleep. These thoughts have gotten increasingly harsh lately and I don't kbow how to counteract them. I really need some suggestions.

Where is your God? “My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’” (Psalm 42:3) There is something about this verse that explains grief and mental health so well. Battling with bipolar, anxiety, depression, or another mental illness can make the days feel so long. It’s as if each passing moment is full of more and more exhaustion. And then, the tears fall endlessly again and again. Or perhaps, you feel so numb to it all that the tears don’t even fall at all. So instead, you are just walking around looking fine on the outside while caving in on the inside. Again, as we step into today’s devotional, we ask that you take a moment to breathe in and know that we are not suggesting that scripture will immediately fix what you are going through. Sometimes therapy & medication are necessary. God created those things and they are good gifts! But, we want to focus on how scripture and the presence of the Lord can be your companion along this journey - never leaving your side once. As we dive into Psalm 42 - the truth is we don’t know exactly who wrote this Psalm or what they may have been going through. However, we can see that they were suffering in a very personal way. Their sorrow ran deep and they could not control it. What’s interesting about Psalm 42:3 is the phrase “Where is your God?” - and the implication. It’s not super often that we face hardship today and there are enemies surrounding us asking about “our God”. However, the Enemy does plant a seed of doubt in our minds. And then suddenly, we are asking ourselves those questions. You’re in the middle of a panic attack with the lies whispering, “God doesn’t care. He won’t save you.” You’re deeply walking in grief and you feel this little voice saying, “God could have fixed it, but He didn’t care enough.” Your OCD is flaring up and every thought in your mind is, “I am going crazy and God won’t make it stop”. “Where is your God?”, we hear the Enemy say. But - in the middle of this mental battle, the author of Psalm 42 shifts their focus to another thought. They say, “My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.” (‭‭Psalm‬ ‭42‬:‭6‬) Remembrance. Your soul is downcast. You feel heavy. Life just feels unfair. Your tears keep falling. Anxiety keeps flaring. Nothing feels right. The author is honest. They admit that their soul is still downcast. They aren’t invalidating the hurt or pain that they have gone through & feel - but they are shifting their focus. Have you heard of the word “Ebenezer” before? It’s considered a “stone of help” and comes from 1 Samuel. Samuel sets up in commemoration of God's help to the Israelites in their victory over the Philistines at Mizpah. It’s a picture of God’s faithfulness for the Israelites to look back on whenever they lose hope. What is your Ebenezer? What is one event that God has shown up in so faithfully that you knew He was real? What has God rescued you from before? We want to challenge you at this moment to write that down. Even if it’s just on a notes app in your phone. Write it down and read it back to yourself. No - your Ebenezer cannot solve the current sorrow and pain that you feel. But - it can remind you that there is a God who cares about you. It can remind you that there is a God who is working despite the invisibility of it. And it can remind you that if God was faithful before, He will be faithful again. “My soul is downcast within me, therefore I will remember…” You can be honest with Him about how you feel & still remember His goodness. Take heart, Child. He loves you, despite how it feels. He loves you. *Essential Worship