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I can’t do this anymore. This is too traumatizing to go through. I feel extremely depressed and don’t know what to do

Hi. I have pocd and I have extreme anxiety that I could be sexually attracted by children. It started several months ago when I saw a child girl and had a bad thought since that time every time I see a child I feel anxious. I never had pedophilic thoughts before except two times when I also had anxiety about if I had been attracted to a child but it quickly went away. Before having pocd I had faith ocd about God's existence (am Christian) and I also have ocd about dirt so I spend 2 hours each day cleaning my butt after pooping until it bleeds. I have also a ridiculous ritual of washing my hands while counting. But none of these thoughts caused me as much anxiety as pocd does. Id hate to be an actual pedophile more than anything and if I listen to my ocd id feel less guilty killing someone or raping a grown woman than being a non offending pedophile which would be awful for me. I regard pedophilia as the most disgusting thing on earth. Moreover I have a strange symptom which is that I feel like my work is dirty (currently writing a thesis) if I had a bad thought while writing. So I hate the work im supposed to enjoy doing caus of this ocd. I always feel guilty, dirty and anxious and as soon as I see a child (on real or on photo and even on painting!) I cant help but checking any sign of sexual attraction. I quitted porn a year ago and now am falling back into it caus of checking processes I do. I start looking a pictures of children on google to check arousal and then I watch normal porn to check that im actually more aroused by that. Ive always liked girls of my age and still do and never was into girls with child like features but rather big boobs and stuffs. Id give almost everything I have to have certainty that im not a pedophile and that i wont ever become one. Hope my story will help pple in same situation to see that they are not alone. Please answer me if you have things to tell me in order to make me see that im not a pedo. Caus when thinking rationally Ik am not but as soon as I see a child I start doubting and the circle starts again.

I need so much help. I’m really spiralling and feeling so anxious and scared. I’m not sure how to sum this all up briefly but basically, my partner and I split up 2 months ago and are in the process of maintaining a friendship. It’s obviously been really difficult but important to both of us. I’ve always had extreme fears about lots of different themes, but the biggest one was always him cheating on me. I would absolutely interrogate him over the tiniest things and analyze EVERYTHING he did or said. I would have intrusive thoughts all the time and it was a constant mess of me asking for reassurance and never being sure whether something was intuition or anxiety. I know he’s done some questionable things over the 4 years of our relationship but has never actually cheated on me (as far as I know- and trust me when I say I’ve asked him a LOT). He has always maintained that he’s been honest with everything, even if it was shitty or it took awhile to get to the truth. Anyway, last week, I found out he did lie about something (while we were broken up, not together). I had a strong, sick anxious feeling and I asked him about it and then a week later, realized he told a huge lie. I’m not even upset about the thing he did- just so upset that he lied to my face about it. When I confronted him, he said he was sorry and he only lied because he was scared of making me upset. But NOW, I’m spiralling out of control because the thing he lied about was literally something that sounded so crazy to me when the thought first popped into my head. I had tried to brush it off as anxious thought because it was so strange to me. I could have never guessed it so now finding out that I was right is making me think I have crazy strong intuition. It’s making me reanalyze and obsess over every single anxious “gut feeling” or thought from our four year relationship. I’m driving myself absolutely crazy. My biggest fear is that what if all my anxious/intrusive thoughts were true and he DID cheat on me at some point and just lied the entire time. Maybe I don’t even have ROCD- just a messed up relationship. I’m freaking out and this is all I’ve thought about for days. I can’t be friends with him if he lied to me for four years, but again I’ve asked him the same question so many times- I just don’t trust the answers. Please help

How come people without ocd can be certain about things? Like for example a person without pocd is probably sure they’re not a p. A person without harm ocd is sure that they’re not going to harm anyone, etc etc. Like why can’t we be sure?

Has anyone gotten to the point with ROCD whether you question if the relationship is actually want you want anymore ? I can’t tell if this feeling/thought is OCD anymore or if I genuinely need to leave. I really don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know if wanting to be with my partner or wanting to love him is enough. I’ve had all the extreme anxiety before but no longer. It just feels off, numb like something is missing that I can’t put my finger on. My mind is saying that maybe it just is my time to leave and move on. I can’t figure out if this is just another OCD tactic or true 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I have a regular talk therapist and I have a NOCD therapist. My regular talk therapist triggers me a lot. I’ve made a lot of progress with her in the past but I’ve realize that she triggers me and says things that I don’t like. Too philosophical for my OCD. I’m wondering if I should get rid of her or not. My NOCD therapist really understands a lot with me. Any advice from people who understand this?

I've suffered ROCD in the past around my relationship but knew deep down I'm happy and I love my partner so much. However lately my family have been putting doubts in my head and planting seeds about who I should be with, what type of person I should be with. Which has caused a spiral of thoughts and doubts.Is it normal when suffering with OCD to then take these thoughts on board, I felt sick with worry all week and don't know how much longer I can go on feeling this guilty for the thoughts. A few days ago I trusted a friend and opened up to him and he made a pass at me which I said no, I now feel full of guilt and doubting why I put myself in that situation even though it was all innocent from my half. I feel sick with worry and would never hurt my partner. Just want to be happy with him.

so i watched something today that was pretty triggering.. read at your own risk. so i’ve been struggling with ROCD bad lately. (having a hard time even deciphering if it’s OCD or not 😰) i was watching a show and there was a scene where this girl and her boyfriend were getting ready to do the deed and she was thinking about someone else.. my ROCD gives me thoughts about one specific person that i literally am disgusted by, i would even say hate. yes, there’s a past with this person but there’s no contact whatsoever and talking about the person makes me sick.. ew. but i’m so worried that in my future this will happen and ruin the moment. i just want to forget about the person. and every time i do, my brain just reminds me again. any thoughts?? is this ocd?? i don’t want to think about the person. i just want to forget about them.. please helppppp :( it makes me uncomfortable. but then i question myself and ugh i’m so lost.

Discussion Post for b13

Hello I am new to this app and I’m glad I’ve just come across it because I’ve really been needing a group of people that is understanding of OCD. I will have a psych Eval next month to get an official diagnosis but I have been working through harm OCD for the last four months. I didn’t truly understand what it was but through my general counseling and Google it’s clear. I have a fear that I’m going to harm my kids in some way and it’s debilitating. I have been afraid to be home alone it’s them and being really careful with watching my moods around them. I hardly ever chastise them and that was before I started having the intrusive thoughts. Does any one have any tips or anything to help me ease my anxiety as I wait to speak to a specialist?

I’m worried that I don’t actually get intrusive thoughts. I just ruminate about my sexuality all day everyday and try to figure out the answer. I feel like the very first one I ever had was intrusive but not anymore? I worry it’s not OCD. And because of this I don’t know how I’m supposed to address it. Because people say ‘when you get a thought, do this…’ but I just have it on my mind constantly so I don’t know how to approach it.

I’m NOT asking for reassurance... I’m just venting here... It was making me feel like I wasn’t attracted to women my age and above... I hate this so much... I just want to be with a woman my age and above but sadly my lack of confidence in myself and my looks, plus this HOCD and POCD make it so that it feels impossible... I just want to love a woman my age and above and tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am she popped into my life... I want to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me and how much I care about her in my own way... to be able to hug her and tell her She’ll never be alone... l am awake in the late night as I type all of this out... I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the past masturbation to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics and porn comics with young cartoon characters (ex. Marge and Lisa, and I loved marge, the older woman) occasionally when I was younger. (Couple of times when I was 13-14, then occasionally when I just turned 17 till I was in the middle of being 18...) me being a minor at the time, i didn’t know what the content was nor did I realize how horrible the content represented, and while I skipped most of the videos and comics, since some comics and videos had over millions of views, and due to them being on public websites, I had believed that they were both was safe to consume... I stopped two years ago, and l'm 20 now and always loved adult women and wanted to be with a woman around my age range. I had a massive crush on a girl that was my age... I’ve never had any attractions to kids whatsoever and I never want to do anything with kids ever... but 6 months ago, I started getting intrusive memories of doing it in the past and l immensely regretted it and felt panicked and disgusted about it because now I know what a pedo actually is. I didn’t know how illegal or how wrong it was till I did research... I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I'm worthless. I'm a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me... It feels so real now... making me feel like I’m in denial constantly and I hate my life...

I'm freaking out over the fact that i have an online friend all of a sudden. I mean I'm cautious but i am afraid I've said too much or he had bad intentions and i want to look through all of our messages and make sure or do a background check for him or something. I'm anxious about this but i did like talking to this person. Why OCD why? Or am i being rational?

I hate having these harm ocd thoughts pop up randomly it never leaves my head and I have to act normal so no one asles me what's wrong but deep dpwn it's terrible :/ it's hare accepting cause then it feels like its true that I will be a serial killer I literally hate it! I don't een like being mad I sometimes wish I was a good girl with a good attitude and mind!

Does anyone else suffer with existential OCD/mental illness OCD? Feeling like the world isn't real or you're stuck in a dream or schizophrenic? Any tips on how to cope?

TW pocd stuff, 18+, and starvation?? Can stop thinking about something that happened maybe a month ago. All I know is that I was sleeping and in and out of consciousness/dreaming or SOMETHING and waking up feeling guilty. Back then I’m as like “you were sleeping stop feeling bad” but now I’m starting to convince myself I’ve done something horrendous because I was in the same bed as my nephew at the time. Caught between “you ******** him” and “you were sleeping calm down”. I think the more I ruminate the more I’m going to misremember. I know I didn’t hurt him PHYSICALLY but I feel I’ve done something egregious. I haven’t eaten all day mostly because of ruminating but also feeling like I don’t deserve to.

I fucked myself up and looked at something that I thought would be fine but has spiraled me. I’m acting different and I know it takes time to erp through but I just feel so hollow and upset. I need to take time to really walk myself through worst case scenarios and sit with them but in the meantime I’m acting like a bitch and feeling like one. Partners birthday is coming up and we live with their roommate who’s their ex and they haven’t told them we’ve been dating for almost two years next month and I feel like I’m going to fucking snap if the roommate does anything nice for them. I feel so defeated but I can’t bring this to my partner because it just makes our relationship worse when I get like this and the fears 1000xs more intense later. I’m so frustrated I just don’t want to be with them, but I know that’s my ocd tendencies pointing and screaming look at the signs!!!! I want to tear my brain out There is more to the story in which I know and have moved past (multiple times) feeling that they’re cheating on me or are ashamed of me. So it’s just genuinely a case of my brain freaking out because I saw a message from 2017 where they were happy together

i’m so worried that if i hang out with my boyfriend i’m going to think of someone else while i’m with him. is this an intrusive thought?

tw// pocd , nsfw another panic! great! so i used to read miraculous ladybug fanfics when i was younger like 13 maybe and some were nsfw but i liked the plot or angst behind mari and chat blanc. so i read them. the characters in miraculous are 13-15 and i feel like i kinda forgot that bc a few months ago i remembered how much i loved those fanfics and i looked for some but i don’t think i really read any. but now i’m horrified bc i remembered that i’m 17 and those characters are in fact younger than me and idk if i was directly looking for the nsfw fics but now i find that disgusting and again i know a real pedophile would never rlly find it disgusting like ever but i find it rlly nasty when i realize that those characters are in fact younger than me like that’s so nasty ew, but i’m panicking bc regardless of whether i knew or not i still wanted to find them bc i remember i used to rlly love them but again i think i tried to read a few but nothing rlly grabbed my attention (none were nsfw i think even now i’m not a big fan of reading any nsfw like i rlly don’t like it tbh) so i just forgot about it but i’m panicking bc those characters are younger than me now and i think i forgot that whilst looking a few months ago at least i hope I did bc now i’m like so disgusted by even the idea of reading abt ppl younger than me do anything remotely nsfw that’s so nasty i just ugh idk what to do is this smth i should let go as in it’s just my ocd or is this a legitimate mistake or problem i can’t tell anymore. (also i’m aware it’s just fictional characters but that still grosses me out like tremendously)

My name is Tom. My first intrusive thought was related to sexual orientation. It haunted and traumatized me for 4 weeks until I finally spilled the beans to my wife after she came home from work ti find me in tears from having panic attacks related to my intrusive thought. The relief was immediate but so was my first harm ocd intrusive thought which came as soon as I told her, and it was aimed right at her. I lived with that repetitive violent intrusive thought for 4 years, starting every morning I opened my eyes. It morfed from harm ocd to sexual orientation to pedophile ocd but always came back to harm ocd which manifested itself as a command " kill her ". It just about ruined my life and my marriage which is when I finally reached out for help. I was finally diagnosed with ocd. It was a relief as like many others who have gone threw this, I thought I was schizophrenic or a very bad person... it took several more months for me to accept trying medication. Escitalopram was for me a life saver. I was on 10 mg for about a month and upped it to 20 mg. I was on that dose for 8 years. It made my ocd close to 90% gone. It was gonna for so long that I pretty much forgot why I was on the medication in the first place. About 8 years later, I had an incident at work and tested positive for thc. I was forced into a rehab program. As soon as I wasn't able to medicate with Cannabis, all my ocd intrusive thoughts came back with a vengeance. Left me wondering why I was on this medication in the first place, so I decided to qeen myself off. After doing research on how to successfully tapper off, I started using cbd to eliviate the discontinuation symptoms which totally worked. Unfortunately the ocd didn't go away as I hoped. I did a lot of work on exposure and excepting my intrusive thoughts. It did help with making my intrusive thoughts less potent. I decided 6 weeks ago to go back on the SSRI. Life is too short, and if I can get relief from my ocd then it's worth it. I've only been back on 10 mg, half the dose I used to take and I find it really helps my intrusive thought unlatch. I've also accepted that the thought " kill her " will always be a part of me and that's ok. I'd rather live with it and accept it then live the rest of my life in misery fighting it. Acceptance is defenetly the answer here. I know I'm a good person, a lover, a husband, a father of two wonderful little girls. I'm not ever afraid of following threw with my intrusive thought, I might have been in the beginning as I didn't know what was going on. But now it's more about just having the intrusive thought itself. So I accept that it's gonna be there, it's just a part of me, it doesn't mean anything about me or my wife, it's just OCD. I hope to grow old with my wife and get to meet my grand kids, I have lots of life to live, my girls are 7 and 11 years old, so lots of road ahead. I've stopped wondering why me, why it happened, why that thought, I'm over it. It's OCD and it's as much a part of me as my arms or legs are and for that I accept it for what it is. When my intrusive thought chimes in, usually when I open my eyes, I just agree with it and say totally and go in with my day. I love my life. OCD has been my biggest teacher. I am probably better off with what ocd has taught me over the years. I feel like I wouldn't be as mature as I am today if I hadn't gone threw all this suffering. So to all out there, keep your chin up and be fearless in the eye of anything life can throw at you. Choose to be your best self every minute. Be here now.