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the NOCD Community

Hey I just joined, for over 6 months I've been trying to figure out if my subconscious was telling me something when I thought about "my love for certain genres of music being an illusion in a different way" or whether it was just a thought. I haven't been able to get any closure and I'm becoming more depressed. Can your subconscious tell you something like that? Because I've tried looking it up on Google and I haven't gotten a straight answer. I know I'm not dealing with this in a healthy way but I can't help myself. I'm always afraid that every thought I have is true.

Does anyone want to talk about something possibly being sin? I've been struggling with this... And btw I'm not talking about the unforgivable sin or things like that; although, I have had obsessions about those kinds of things.

One of the things I struggle with as a compulsion is skin picking or dermatillomania, I've had it for so long me and my parents really just got used to it I guess. On top of that I have a skin condition which triggers my skin picking habits sometimes. I've had a bunch of infections because of it, most recently a staph infection (again). And my doctor looked at it and said it was self inflicted and I had to explain to her I recently figured out with my psychiatrist that I most likely have OCD. It was embarrassing? It took a lot of me to even make the doctors appointment because I knew it was my own doing that it got that bad. And just sharing it with my mom so that I could go to the doctor was a lot. It's frustrating it doesn't seem like there's much specific treatment for it and I've already had at least 3 serious infections as a result of it. Still can't stop as it's typical of compulsions. Frustrating and not quite sure how to change it. My doctor demanded I cut down my nails though she isn't involved in my mental health network and that in itself made me feel like even more of a child for not being able to stop it myself. At least I had a good conversation with my parents about how it's not like self harm. I don't do it to hurt myself, I do it because my brain tells me to. Wonder if anyone here has any advice to prevent skin picking or know of any specific treatment people do for it? I'm really tired of it

Is anybody else becoming irritated by this narrative that HOCD is the result of ‘internalised homophobia’? I initially saw a few people who didn’t have HOCD question whether this theme was the result of homophobia, but I just brushed that off as ignorance on their behalf because they don’t understand what it’s like to have the theme. But, then it started to shift over into the therapy world, where I’d see therapists posting on Instagram & writing blog posts about how this theme has links to homophobia. I understand and appreciate that there will be select individuals who have this theme, possibly because of underlying toxic religious beliefs for example, who have internalised, or even externalised homophobia, but they make up such a tiny portion of the entire population of HOCD sufferers, that it actually angers me that even PROFESSIONALS are generalising that narrative to the whole community. In these blog posts and Instagram posts, I’d read that the ‘media’ may have led to feelings of homophobia… in 2021, I have no clue about what media is explicitly condemning homosexuality… but okay. To me, it’s less activism as it’s just a desire to turn mental health political, and from professionals, that upsets me. I’ve noticed that a lot of the clinical psychologists have said that individuals with HOCD TEND to be very current in their political beliefs, & do not believe it’s at all wrong to be homosexual, bi sexual, transsexual. Any thoughts on this?

i spoke to a psychiatrist and she told me i just have generalized anxiety. i'm not sure though i keep obsessing over these thoughts but she's saying they're just worries. i don't know maybe i am just having worries but and i'm just being dramatic but i'm really not sure. i relate a lot to ocd posts and anything related to ocd which makes me kind of confused. but again, i also could just be overdramatizing things. i don't know

OCD doesn't just affect the person who has it. It has the potential to really affect (or, as I say, INFECT) the entire household. It can cause arguments, disagreements, general distress, and so many other difficulties that complicate things for everyone involved. In what ways have your OCD affected your loved ones/household?

harm ocd TW i’m usually quite an empathetic person i’d say. especially with physical pain. like if a friend told me they fell over, i can almost feel that? i’ve never been someone who enjoys those ‘funny’ videos of people getting hurt etc. and i’m a bit queasy with pain and blood. but i remember a few years ago being told that evil is defined as ‘suffering for the sake of suffering’. and i was just watching a tv show where they were basically torturing people for the fun of it, and i felt excited? i think it might have been adrenaline and nerves (because i feel that when i’m anxious, so i felt their anxiety and then felt ‘excited’). but i’m just super worried that i would find doing cruel things exciting or pleasurable. i’ve worried this for a while now. even though i’m the kind of person who moves snails on the road so they don’t get squashed. like as a kid whenever i did something rebellious or sneaky, i’d feel this wave of excitement and adrenaline. or with chaos or drama i feel excited. and i’m ultimately scared i’m a psychopath who would feel that excitement torturing people! it’s causing me a lot of distress. i know i can’t be a psychopath because there are so many parts of me that don’t fit with the description of one. and i hope what i described above isn’t actually sadistic. i hope it’s just adrenaline.

I'm worried that I don't love my girlfriend as much as she loves me, i just feel like numb or disconnected. I don't which it is ig, it just worries me because i'm scared it means I don't love her. Earlier she told me I ment the world to her and it made a but uncomfortable because it's like I couldn't reciprocate the same thing back. I just want to feel happy again and love her. Does anyone else experience this? I'm at a loss.

(Warning for my fellow contamination sufferers)My anxiety has recently rapidly become so intense that I don't even go to the washroom enough, miss meals and am dehydrated... My biggest fears have always been related to the toilet, yet have recently snowballed so fast I cannot keep up. My longest lasting compulsions are more intense, more wasteful (I waste more rags/facecloths cleaning myself and waste sometimes an entire pack of alcohol wipes a day). The only change in my meds somewhat recently has been upping my clomipramine by 25mg, last month or so... but that shouldn't make my anxiety rise so much depite me knowing last time I heightened my dose above 50mg I was more agitated (to the point I was almost violent, hit some things like my bedroom door...) I worry about every little thing in the bathroom, from toilet paper bits (the teeny tiny pieces that fly off into the air and sometimes onto me) to whether dirty hairs are in my pants and might go through and end up in my bed or somewhere else. I still wipe my clothes every time I use the washroom, same thing for my exposed skin, which I clean using facecloths/rags with water and soap multiple times. I fear bugs (+ dirty hair) so much I take like 30mins to check my sheets every morning and night to ensure there are none there. I have literally peed no more than 2 times a day the last week or two that much of my pee is literally mucusy in texture by forcing myself to hold it in as much as possible and drinking less than I ever should be limiting myself to... I'm just so scared that I'm the closest ever to being actually suicidal... I've never been truky suicidal to the point of considering picking up anything deadly or googling how to die because I', so afraid of pain and sharp objects + overdose etc but I just feel like the world is trying to push me to that edge... I keep finding bugs at the worst of times, for example, when I'm most echaysted and hoping to quickly get to sleep... it's exhausting. I've literally slept at least half the day away most days this week while also staying up late on my tablet reading to try and calm down enough to sleep. I was relatively stable for over a year until the end of last year I noticed I was dipping down a bit emotionally and now I'm just so scared that even if I get a bit better again, i'll just end up falling back down into this hellish amount of terror I feel every day :"'"( It has been 4 years since I first severely suffered from y OCD, which came out of nowhere in 2017. I have not attended school in person since a few weeks of september or so in 2017. I have already lost nearly all my years of adolescence to this despicable disorder. I love my family who have always been the most supportive they could ever be and have friends I wish to see more alongside family that recently moved closer but its just so tiring I'm afraid while waiting to see specialists for help I might just truly crash and burn...

My attraction to women is so low but they still excite me and want to pursue them. I have a date Sunday but afraid I won't feel anything 😕

DON'T read if you're paranoid. I need opinions on whether or not to confront a friend. I am so upset! A friend of mine and her then boyfriend had a habit of recording conversations (without my knowledge) years ago. He would record her and her friend's convos, sometimes she even knew about it and didn't tell us. I remember at the time that I was very uncomfortable about it, but I was too "kind (naive)" to make a fuss about it. This went on for years, on and off. They even recorded me and another friend's conversation (about 3 hours) while none of them were even there and listened to it the day after! Wtf. One time I was at her house (this was years after the beginning of this), it was just me and her, talking about all kinds of stuff, as friends do. I had an ongoing joke (a disgusting joke that went all over the place, that I regret more than anything) and I made some weird impulsive comments. Later that night I felt my foot touch something under the couch. I looked under and yet again the recorder was on! This was years after she was with that other guy, so there was no excuse for her to still be doing something that deceitful against one of her closest friends. She sent some parts to her ex boyfriend, but later claimed to have thrown her own copy away. It's been 7 years since that episode (have seen her under 10 times since), but we are still good friends.🤷‍♀️ Suddenly this whole thing came back to me and I am so mad about this completely unacceptable behavior that she was never really confronted about. At the time she was 28 years old, no one that age does stuff like that. Now I'm thinking about the disgusting jokes and feeling sick to my stomach. I am feeling extremely traumatized by this whole thing, and paranoid. Should I bring this up 7 years later and ask her what happened to our convos?? Sorry, so long! I am just so pissed☹️

When I do sexual things with my girlfriend and I climax, for a split second an intrusive thought of doing it with someone else pops in and I never want them to pop in so I quickly get them out of try to focus on my girlfriend but sometimes it might not work so I feel like I’ve cheated when I know I haven’t, and when I try to expose the thought I get scared that I don’t love her and don’t care for her and just be another one of them boyfriends that don’t care about their girlfriends and just cheat, but that’s literally the opposite of what I want

Hello everyone, I was wondering if anyone had some tips on morning anxiety/OCD. I have Harm OCD In particularly I’m scared I’m going to commit suicide and these thoughts fluster me in the morning. But after a while they calm down and I’m not as nervous about it and I don’t think I’m even going to hurt myself at all. It’s so crazy how it feels so real and then doesn’t. Please help me out with anything you guys may be doing to assist with this. Best, Fran

it makes me a little sad because maybe if i had gotten the help when i recognized the issue at 12-13 then i would’ve been far better off than how i am now. it kinda makes me wanna cry bc i don’t feel like it’s reversible now

Hi, I'm new to having an OCD diagnosis. I've experienced symptoms for most of my life, but it was usually written off as me being "particular" or generally anxious.  I have other diagnoses as well and one doctor thought my OCD symptoms were a result of mania because of my bipolar diagnosis. Another practitioner thought it was just an extension of my PTSD. Recently, however, I've been able to talk more about my OCD symptoms in therapy due to some alleviation of my other mental health issues. It's still very difficult to distinguish what symptoms are OCD and what symptoms are something else.  I have a tendency to intellectualize most of the issues I experience with my mental health and it's been frustrating, because my OCD seems very random like a puzzle that's missing pieces and that's in the wrong box altogether. I have these graphic and disturbing intrusive images of harming animals and occasionally people I love and I know that this is not who I am, but I start to feel so guilty and sick when I have these thoughts that I'm going to do something terrible. I sometimes get so lost in these thoughts that I'll have convinced myself it's already happened until I'm able to ground myself. I often dissociate during these times and have occasionally had episodes of derealization where if feels like I'm stuck in some sort of dream or nightmare with this ever-present feeling of dread or guilt that I'm going to do something violent or even sexual. Something weird is that these Obsessions aren't really connected with the compulsions I experience which are more focused on things just being done the "right" way. In the car, I don't let my teeth touch if I'm driving over shadows. I struggle to walk over lines/cracks. When I'm at a desk or table, things have to be arranged a certain way or I become very anxious. Every food I eat has a ritual and I count a lot of things that I do, but the behaviors are subtle and go unnoticed unless someone is paying close attention. Does anyone else have seemingly unconnected subtypes? I deal I have Pure O Harm OCD (with pretty much exclusively mental compulsions) and Perfectionism/Symmetry OCD (with outward compulsions).

how is everyone doing?!

NEED ADVICE/HELP. my boyfriend is very respectful of me and treats me well but i'm overthinking our sexual life. he's my first and we've only done it a couple of times. all of which were consensual btw. the first time we did it, he was very gentle and patient with me (it hurt the first time) though i overthought something after. before penetration, we had our first kiss and he undressed me right away. i wanted it as well because we've been sexting and exchanging nudes months before but i guess it just felt a bit fast. i didn't pace myself right but i understood since it was all pent up sexual energy. it was my first time too but when i told him to take it slowly, he listened well. also respected my wishes to wear a condom. the second time, days before we met up he has been expressing wanting to do if raw and i had expressed i wanted to as well but we had to wait and see if its safe and also assess the risks. i told him it was a safe day but i was still a bit hesitant to do it raw. well the day came, we made out did foreplay and in the moment, he penetrated me (gently) without a condom. i knew i wanted it too (was a bit hesitant doing it raw cos its my first time) and it was all probably cause its in the moment but it got me overthink should he have asked first? like consent to do it raw? BUT I KNOW 100% That if I told him to stop and wrap up, he will. He's very respectful and doesn't want me feeling pressured or forced. In fact, days before this he had told me he wanted to try raw but no pressure on it. He was just expressing but if I wasn't comfortable, it's fine. The sex was great, I don't regret doing it btw. I never stopped him too and he took care of me during and after. This is just making me overthink if he should've verbalized consent by asking and if its wrong he didn't but I know not all couples do this. In no way am I painting my bf as someone careless or doesn't care about me bc he's the opposite of it so this is also making me feel guilty. He does find me extremely irresistible which makes him wanna go fast and skip foreplay n stuff but whenever I tell him to slow down, he does. He also takes care of me and makes sure I feel pleasure and check to see if he's hurting me. So why am I overthinking this? I keep seeing online about what consent is and what isn't. Which is making me overthink more,

Long ago I used to flirt with a friend while horny (yes I know that’s bad) and I’d lead him on to think I was into him by accident twice. (Again I’m horrible) One time I couldn’t take it anymore and I fully admitted I didn’t mean to do that and that I won’t do it again, although I knew he very much liked me. I felt guilty but then I started dating other people and stopped talking to him. Only saw him as a friend completely afterward Now I’m with a longtime boyfriend and I’m having these “stop and go” type thoughts. One day I am really happy with him but when we fight or something drama related happens I go completely the opposite way and threaten to leave a lot constantly and then I stick around and I’m like “wait don’t go.” And I’m left wondering “am I being the same way I was with my friend I lead on?” “Do I actually love my partner? Or am I just horny?” Because I’m usually happiest when I’m ovulating. Everything stops bothering me like a house could collapse or a fire could burn it down and I’d just not give a shit. That’s how happy I sometimes get on my second or third day of my period. I start to wonder “is this feeling gonna last or am I gonna be miserable with my boyfriend next week. I’m hoping this lasts” Yesterday I was looking online for the types of wedding dresses I’d want for me and I remember thinking “what if this feeling doesn’t last and I’m back to doubting the relationship next week and start thinking about my old colleague or hot coworker again? Also, what does this all mean?” I’m really confused and wondering if I only see my current boyfriend as a friend secretly like I did with my guy friend I sadly messed with a while back before we dated, but don’t wanna admit it since i don’t wanna be alone or if I truly love him and actually want this to work so I say “wait don’t go” Please help. Today seemed like a really good day with my boyfriend. I was really happy and felt alive. But I’m worried it’s my hormone levels that’s making me happy and not my true self But I’m not sure

As someone who suffers from OCD, particularly intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions, I understand the debilitating experiences others go through because of OCD. I've been there. Before I had the tools to combat OCD, every time I had an intrusive thought, I'd spend the entire day in mental analysis, logically deciphering a thought in the hopes that it would eventually disappear. Of course, that never worked. If this sounds familiar to you, I can tell you firsthand that you don’t have to endure life in despair. Even if you’re paralyzed by intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions right now, your days can be so much better. You can stop ruminating and live mentally free, but it takes a change in perspective. Life is short with no time to waste. Read more about how I stopped ruminating and started living. I hope that what I learned on my journey can help you live a good life and overcome OCD.

Has anyone used any kind of cannabis for ocd. I tried it a couple of times and it just made my anxiety worse (I'm told it's the thc). Any info will be appreciated.