Having OCD about having OCD

Lately I feel like I’m having OCD about having OCD. Since getting diagnosed, I’ve felt like I’m grieving my whole life. I’ve always been proud of how deeply I think and feel. I thought it was part of what made me special. Looking back, I can also see how often I’d spend so many hours of my day ruminating over the same thing because I felt like I couldn’t let it go. Those spirals left me feeling stuck and annoyed and sometimes I’d sink into depression afterward. Now I catch myself replaying old memories, trying to figure out how much of what felt like “just me” was OCD. Before I know it, I’m spiraling about what having OCD says about me. I was already in therapy for anxiety and depression, and I wish someone had recognized the OCD sooner so I could’ve gotten help for that more specifically. I wonder how much I learned to hide or explain away without even realizing it. Some days I’m grateful I finally have words for what I’ve been experiencing. Other days I just wish it would go away. I see it show up in my every day life, too. When I’m late or miss plans because I’m struggling, feeling judged can send me right back into a spiral. I go from What do they think of me? to Why is showing up so hard for me sometimes? Why do I even have OCD? I’m starting to see how often I assume people are picking me apart the way I pick myself apart. The more I expect criticism, the more sensitive I am to it, and the quicker I can be to judge myself or someone else. I’ve always felt strongly that you never really know what someone is going through. I mean that, and I can still forget it when I’m hurt or embarrassed. I want to get better at saying, “I’m sorry I missed it. I know it mattered,” without spending the rest of the day picking myself apart. And I want to give other people some of the room I wish they’d give me when there’s more going on than they can see. Has anyone else felt this kind of grief after getting diagnosed? I’d love to hear what it’s been like for you. 🤍

CarinaW

Date posted: Yesterday

I feel like I can relate to so much of this. Especially the part about feeling like you were such a deep thinker your whole life and then wondering how much to attribute that to having a mental illness.

Anonymous

Date posted: 9h

@CarinaW It's been a real identity shift for me recently😂 maybe it's a little bit of both?

CarinaW

Date posted: 9h

@Anonymous Probably both! :)

rubyb2

Date posted: Yesterday

This is something i struggle with to. It’s like i spend ages sitting thinking of things in the past that i thought and trying to decide if it was ocd or not. It’s weird cause i always find myself at the same situation trying to figure it out again

Anonymous

Date posted: 9h

@rubyb2 I guess sitting with the discomfort that we won't know for sure whether certain instances in the past were ocd or just our personality is a good erp exercise

Diana Rachel

Date posted: Yesterday

Yes meta-ocd common theme

Anonymous

Date posted: 9h

@Diana Rachel Ah I didn't know there was a word for it! Thank you

Nicole T

Date posted: 21h

I can definitely relate. Some days I can't help but think "why me? Why do I have to have OCD?". I also struggle with being on time and doing everyday tasks. Like you, I tend to be very critical of myself and worry that others are just as critical of me. I think sometimes about what my life would have been like if I didn't have OCD. When this happens, I try to think about the good things that have happened in my life. Like the amazing children I got to meet when I was a teacher and the cool things I got to witness during my nursing school clinicals at the hospitals. I try to remind myself that it's not all bad.

Anonymous

Date posted: 9h

Wow I love this! Thank you for making me feel less alone. I also really appreciated what you said about taking time to reflect on the good things that have happened in our lives. One silver lining of living with OCD is that it’s helped me sit with people in their grief and everyday struggles, especially my patients, and know how to make them feel a little less alone in what they’re going through.

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