Hhh idk what to call this

@Anonymous Oh thank god. I have horrible conflict avoidance tendencies and try to run away at the slightest shift in tone, even if it’s nothing serious. I apologize and own up for things more than I should, but I also don’t apologize with genuineness, I think. Just a way to get it over with, and that’s well, not very good. Yeah, that’s kinda how it feels for me too. Like I’m the problem, and nothing else, and maybe I sort of am. I’m doing these things wrong, but I’m not letting myself grow and change, but rather staying stagnant. I have convinced myself I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and therefore, I’m stuck, in a way. And I keep doing these things to hurt them, so much so that letting them go will “save them” from the hurt I will cause, over and over.

@JustDip45 Yeah same, to a t! and it feels like you’re saving them when you’re only hurting yourself. And putting yourself down constantly to prove to yourself why the decision you made was right. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m trying desperately to get out of but I’ve been like this my whole life. I over apologize and over compensate too, such as doing an act of service for the person as a response to make up for my wrong doings

@Anonymous I’m hurting them, and myself. If I run away, I’m doing the exact same thing, and I know that, but right now, it feels like my only choice. Because I know I’ll keep doing this over and over, and making them miserable. They’ve cut contact with me once, they could easily do it again, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I feel like there is something overly wrong with my brain, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to sit down and explain what’s wrong with me, to them. I don’t know how to properly own up to it because that usually consists of me trying to EXPLAIN it and myself, instead of just saying “I’m sorry.” I’m glad someone can understand me though, it means more to me than I can explain. Less like I’m insane, or that I’m beyond fixing. I wish you the best of luck in your life, and all that you do. Have a good one, wherever you are, stranger.

@Hopeful58 You’re right, and I don’t expect answers from anyone on how to “fix it”, but I feel so disconnected. From my emotions, my friends. Nothing I say feels true, like I’m a liar. That’s all I am. I’m just so lost, I don’t know what to expect anymore

@Healing everyday Yeah, i understand that. I just feel like, I’m not listening. I hear them, and what they’re telling me, but I’m not doing anything to truly change it. It seems to simple, to be able to meet their needs. Like ask them to call more, connect with them more, but I never do it, no matter how many times I say “I’ll do better.” It didn’t help that every time I talk about it, people around me portray them as the bad person, and I’m this angel that can do no wrong. I’m unsure of how to start the path of forgiveness and healing of any kind, when I’m so stuck in this loop. Every day it’s the same, I wake up, I think about it, I go to bed, I think about it. It’s really taking its toll, and I obviously don’t expect you to be some saint that will sort out all my problems for me lol, that’s not how it works. I’m just trying to make sense of it all.

@JustDip45 I think from what I’m reading, your brain is definitely treating this situation as a threat. OCD makes you dwell on anything literally. You can’t change, you want to you don’t do it anyways because your brain is telling you it’s not safe to do it. Simple things are harder to do with ocd and it makes you back off for no reason, it creates instant shame and guilt over something you don’t really mean or was intentional or maybe it was for a little bit of time and you regret it, it’s okay ocd can also play with intentions and you can actually think that you can’t change but later change your decision. It’s a whole lot of pressure on your nervous system. I think you need to figure out what the gap is or what the problem that doesn’t let you move on, you need to start with small things that your brain doesn’t treat as a big threat. You can’t change in 24 hours, don’t pressure yourself, you can feel like you’re not changing, nobody knows the battle you’re fighting with your brain, it’s not fair to yourself. All I can say, start off small when you can, don’t put heavy responsibilities on yourself, your health matters first, you will definitely figure it out

@Anonymous Yeah, I get it. I am also stuck in that cycle, to just run, and I don’t know how to stop it because I KNOW it’s toxic. I know what I’m doing is toxic, but I don’t know if I truly care, because I feel so disconnected from reality and my emotions. This relationship I’m referring to is important, to me, but I still understand what you’re referring to. I think all relationships are important, but sometimes you just get caught in that stupid loop that your brain creates and there is no sign of it ending. At least, that’s how it is for me.