Situation

This is not ocd but i tried posting on reddit and no one replied so I am trying here. I am sorry for miss using the app but I really need some insight Im not really sure what i want out of posting this i think I js want some other peoples opinions or something. Please read the FULL story if ur gonna reply im not saying it gets better I just dont want answers if u dont know it all yk. All of the quoted stuff is PARAPHRASING as it was over 5 years ago and I dont recall what was definitely said. When I was 12 (I belive it was 12 but I couldbe been 11 or 13 but I think most probably 12) i was dating a girl and we had a agreed over text we would kiss when she came to my house (no clue why we said over text we would ig its just one of those weird things we used to do lmao). Anyways I asked when she was at my house if she wanted to and she said "im scared" and I said "but u wanted to" and she said "ik but its scary" and i dont remeber if I suggested this at all but i think i did, before or after she said yes at some point I said "we shud kiss eachothers hands and cheeks first so we're less scared" and i think she thought i was funny and odd bur said "ok". I also THINK i said something like "ehat if we just try and almost do it and see how u feel" at some point probably beforr the kissing on hands and cheeks thing i said. and then we did all that and she screamed happily like aahahha when we did it and I thought we were happy and she kept kissing me like on her own accord and smiling at me and then her mum came to pick her up and i said like ''kiss gudbye'' and she seemed a bit like ffs but i THINK she did I cant rmeber. But then that same night she broke up with me and I js keep thinking like did she break up with me bc I made her feel forced into doing that. Im very very aware that no matter what, what I did was wrong and I take 100% acountibbiliyy for not immediately shutting down the idea wjen she said she was nervous. Not an exuse at all but i seriously didnt know what i was doing was wrong and if I had known truly what consent and all that stuff ment I would've never done tbat I dont belive. I think i was under some stupid impression that it needed to happen so I had to find a way that wouldnt make her scared but obviously now I know how crazy that is. I dont deny for a second that what I did was wrong and it replays on my mind everyday. I feel so much regret and i worry everyday if it effects her. I hope (and part of me thinks) it doesn't since we were best friends for 2-3 years after this happened but its jus still like what if. Ig I wanna know if im a bad person for doing that but idek if im ready to hear the answer. I cannot belive how genuinely stupid I was and when I think abt it I cant understand how i couldn't have known to shut down any idea of kissing but I guess I really was that stuoid

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 21h

This does sound like OCD! I can’t diagnose, but if you do have a diagnosis maybe you could talk about it in therapy

Anonymous0047

Date posted: 18h

I think you are being overly hard on yourself based on what you described. You were a child as was she. There could be any number of reasons she broke up with you that have nothing to do with the situation you just described.

spookymoose

Date posted: 17h

I think this does sound like OCD, so not misusing this app, it sounds like you’re in the right place! There is a subset of OCD called Moral OCD, which basically focuses on if you are good person or not. So when you make mistakes (as humans do, and especially children do) you focus on it and ruminate on it. Thinking of it over and over is a good sign it’s OCD. While you may have been disappointed and said “but you wanted to”, and she may have felt pressured into it, she did kiss you. The facts as you have stated is she did kiss you, and she did it on her own accord after. It’s normal for her to have been scared, and because you were a child you didn’t fully think before speaking. Maybe you didn’t mean to pressure her but she could have felt that way anyways, whether it was your intent or not. Or maybe she didn’t. Did you talk with her about this incident after? She could see it totally differently! And you said you were friends for years after, if she was too upset with you it would have most likely come out at some point. If you’re able to, maybe reach out to see how she’s doing. Ultimately, as a human being you’re going to make mistakes. Small ones and big ones. These do not fully define you as good or bad. The person you look up to most in this world has messed up bigger than you can probably imagine. Don’t be too hard on yourself on things you can’t change. You can’t go back and undo what you said. You can reflect on the moment and what it taught you, and move on. If you’re able, try therapy for OCD. Good luck!

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