Really sad

I have contamination OCD (namely shoes being the trigger) and it’s gotten really bad in the past few months since losing my dog of nearly 17 years and having my first child. I think I always had it but it was very manageable, almost never resulted in hours of cleaning, was just not wearing shoes in the house and would change my clothes when I came home. Now it’s like spiraled into these huge chain connection links that I make that sometimes results in me shampooing all the rugs, moping, washing the covers to the couch (my sofa has washable covers yay). Anyways, I’m just sharing this friend I guess do not feel alone. I feel so sad. I feel like a prisoner. I miss my old self 😭 If you’re reading this, thank you feel free to share anything you feel relevant or even just solidarity ♥️

GratitudeGirl

Date posted: 17h

I also agree that whenever I feel extra anxious, it makes me do more compulsions, and I can understand all the grief that you've been through must have made your anxiety or OCD worse.. you're really brave for starting therapy and I wish you the best of luck

rissab22

Date posted: 17h

@GratitudeGirl 💯 I’m sorry you understand the grief too. Was that trigger for you as well?

GratitudeGirl

Date posted: 19h

Im sorry.. are u in therapy?

rissab22

Date posted: 18h

@GratitudeGirl Hi! Thanks for the reply. I start therapy this week with a therapist on this platform. Up until last week I was in regular talk therapy which I think wasn’t helping much.

GratitudeGirl

Date posted: 18h

@rissab22 Yeah I can relate.. u Indian lol? I think therapy will help you.. it's helping me even though it's not fun

rissab22

Date posted: 18h

@GratitudeGirl Not Indian but I love India 🇮🇳 (been twice). What part of therapy has helped you and what’s been hard? If you don’t mind sharing, and it’s not too much effort for you to share I would love to hear.

GratitudeGirl

Date posted: 17h

@rissab22 I appreciate you thinking about the effort it takes and yes, I can share.. basically in therapy we do exposure and response prevention so I have the need to undo thoughts so it basically lets you deal with uncomfortable feelings.. The thing that has helped me is knowing that I have hope to get better and that the people on this app are trained to help me.. the thing that's difficult is all the work you have to put in after session like actually doing the exposure exercise exercises even after session is over.. it's difficult and uncomfortable but over time the more therapy you do less strongly compulsions become

rissab22

Date posted: 17h

@GratitudeGirl ERP seems necessary but so very scary!! Like just knowing how strong compulsions are, it’s so brave that you’re able to not give into them. It’s really good to hear that they become less strong over time. I keep trying to remind myself how I used to be. Like for example I used to ask any maintenance worker (I live in an apartment) that came in to remove their shoes. And before it wouldn’t send me through a tailspin, knowing that even though they removed their shoes, they stepped on my entry mat, which shoes have come in contact with, and then they walked all over my home. Now, however, in that same scenario, having the maintenance person or actually any person, including me, walk on the entry mat, and then on the floors makes me feel like I need to mop the floors and shampoo the rugs. Like removing the shoes is no longer good enough. It has to be you have to remove your shoes and then jump from your shoes onto clean floor. So about a week ago someone came to do some work and when I opened the door, I said I’m sorry I have a lot of clean phobias can you please remove your shoes on the entry mat and then step onto this clean sheet? He got confused though and instead just walked right onto the clean sheet and then took off his shoes and then he continually walked on the sheet while he was in the apartment so the whole thing got messed up and I had to clean everything after he left. And I actually don’t even think I’m too worried about germs. It’s more so just the general feeling of something from public world from a shoe especially coming into my private world and home just makes me feel disgusting. It started out that I was worried about my dogs belongings being changed/contaminated though. The old me would’ve never done that though. I really hope I can get back to the old me. Really appreciate you responding and sharing your experience and asking questions as well. Its been really nice, so thank you 🥰

clarascarlett9

Date posted: 18h

Shoes are definitely a trigger for me too. I always have to wash my hands after touching them, and because shoes obviously go all over the floor, anything that falls on the floor has to get sanitized or thrown away. I always have to check my shoes too before going into my bedroom too, make sure there’s not anything gross on them, and it makes me so anxious when people walk around the house in shoes. I just share all this in solidarity, and to let you know you’re not alone :) I hope you start feeling better soon! If you have any tips from things you might have learned in the past I’d be very open to hear those too

rissab22

Date posted: 18h

@claraspayne Thank you so much for responding and sharing your experience. It helps know you’re not the only one. As the shoes trigger caused you to have to do all this deep cleaning or have you been able to manage to keep it somewhat under control?

clarascarlett9

Date posted: 17h

@rissab22 I think I’ve been able to keep it somewhat under control, but a big thing for me is having to do things in a specific order. So long as I wash my hands immediately and don’t touch things before I do that, then I can avoid deep cleaning. However, if I touch stuff before I can wash my hands, then I do a lot of cleaning with Clorox wipes. So I don’t think I clean things as deeply as you mentioned in your og post but if I start spiraling I can go through a quarter of a container of Clorox wipes in one sitting.

rissab22

Date posted: 17h

@clarascarlett9 Oh I totally get the order thing. I do that as well. I have ways of avoiding a deep cleaning too, but lately there have been variables that threw me through a loop 😫 like my MIL wearing shoes in our home after we asked her not to.

clarascarlett9

Date posted: 13h

@rissab22 The unpredictable variables are the worst! They cause me so much more anxiety than the stuff that bothers me day to day. That’s kind of where I feel a little frustrated in my progress, because I feel like I’ve started to overcome the obsessions/compulsions that are a part of my daily routine but then when a random one pops up it’s like I haven’t made any progress at all :/

GratitudeGirl

Date posted: 17h

Regarding the shoes, are you basically saying you don't want to track the germs onto your carpets?

rissab22

Date posted: 17h

@GratitudeGirl Yes definitely but it doesn’t stop there - the carpets, the hard floor then my bed

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