pls reply to the vent if you’d like to

for starters i’m not even diagnosed with ocd. i’m diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder — and was told i had emerging borderline personality disorder features. these diagnostic impressions are a mix of what two different psychologists said. one psychologist came from trying to get diagnosed with adhd (bipolar diagnosis); the other psychologist was from when i tried to get diagnosed with autism (ptsd and bpd features). i already knew i likely had ptsd and definitely had anxiety. i found myself relating to bipolar when i was trying to figure out what was “wrong with” me but always felt weird about that label. i suspected i had borderline personality disorder before suspecting that i was autistic and stopped suspecting borderline when i started suspecting autism. none of this is really important im just getting literally everything off my chest in this post. because of the ocd subtypes i have dealt with, i know i have ocd (or im just an awful person) — i just haven’t tried to get diagnosed with it. i didn’t know i had ocd for awhile; i thought i was just a disgusting awful person that should not exist — then i learned about pocd; i was definitely struggling with pocd. i haven’t struggled with that subtype much, if at all, for years at this point but i was never going to talk to a psychologist or anyone about those thoughts especially before i knew about pocd. my most common struggle currently — because i am in a relationship — is rocd. i’m getting stuck on thoughts that he is not the right person, that i am not the right age to be in a monogamous relationship (or any kind of relationship honestly), that i am too young to commit for such a long time, that i have more experiences to have — but that i will have to lose him if i give into these thoughts. i don’t want to lose him but i also want less. i want less having to love someone. i want less commitment. i want less thinking of a future with someone. i want less caring about another person so deeply. i want less emotions over emotions and relationships and everything. everything. i want less of everything. i want less spiraling. i want more fun. i want more freedom. i want stupid noncommittal flirting that actually means nothing to me just makes me feel happy and worth something and entertained. i want my boyfriend, here, with me, when i want him here with me. i want alone time. i want to not be sick of face timing all the time. i want to love him like i used to love him. i want to feel like he loves me like he used to love me. i feel like im going insane and i just can’t stop it. i’m so contradicting and confused and im sad! i’m so sad and i don’t even know why. and ive been having multiple dreams of cheating on him which made me feel weird and i hoped i had not talked in my sleep or anything where he would know but i was not really spiraling out about it. and then i googled having dreams about cheating on your partner and now im spiraling what am i missing from him… im missing a, b, c, d, e, f, g, the whole damn alphabet i could spiral the whole fucking alphabet. how do i address the whole fucking alphabet?!?!? and i fear he can feel the shift and maybe me spiraling about my uncertainty for my love for him is the same thing that’s causing me to spiral about his love for me. and im just so over it and i want it gone. i want the spiral gone. i want it over. i don’t know how to communicate and i feel like im hurting him and i don’t know what i need and i don’t know how to fix anything and im so SAD. and maybe im not hurting him, because why would i assume that when he hasn’t communicated that? but it feels so unfair. so unfair to him to be so sure of me whilst i am spiraling in so many ways and i can’t even tell him that because i feel crazy and i don’t want to lose him over stupid fucking spirals. and i need to shower. i told myself i would.